We need to lighten up about sex, people, and we need to do it now.
By Maya Jordan
I'm a self-proclaimed sex goddess. Pretty darned fearless in bed, comfortable with my body for the most part, multiorgasmic, a squirter of the highest order, and a queen between the sheets.
I get what I need in bed because I ask for it. I'm unafraid of my wants and needs, my proclivities, my taste buds. I know who I am and what I am about, in sexual terms, and this extends into my life. I'm not a mystery unto myself.
This sex goddess status allows me to relate to other human beings much more logically because I'm being led by my head, not by my heart or, god forbid, my p*ssy. Being a sex goddess means I know how to meet my own needs independently and authentically, most of the time.
I wasn't born this way; rather, I came into this knowledge, this skill set of sorts, through adequate mentorship and self-exploration.
Looking for some quick tips as to how to achieve sex goddess status? No problem. Onward...
1. Know Your Body
Get active, get in the gym, and see what it can do.
Working out with my trainer is one of the most productive things I can do three times a week. I also hit the elliptical most of the remaining days in an effort to stay on top of my game physically.
Sex is an endurance sport so you need to practice harnessing your stamina and wherewithal. You need to know what to do with sweat. How to love it yet refuse it. How to brush it off with the flick of your hand while you continue to go for the glory of your current endeavor.
Knowing my body for me means acknowledging my cellulite (yes, it exists), my caesarean scar, the way my upper arms jiggle, my freckles, the way my hair gets wavy when it gets dirty, how my ribs stick out when I arch my back.
A basic knowledge of anatomy serves all of us in the sense that it is helpful to know what you're dealing with and what you're expected to gain mastery over.
2. Learn to Let Go
I used to endow my partner with magical properties because he was capable of making me squirt. I didn't realize until after we broke up that damn near anyone can make me squirt with a very basic knowledge of anatomy. It's my G-spot that is the superstar, not my partner.
Learning to squirt with multiple partners assured me that I was well on my way to being able to let go emotionally of things that hold me back because that's how life works. You can cure something on the inverse without intending to — an emotional blockage clears suddenly due to an earth-shattering orgasm. It's all about letting go and staying honest in your interactions.
I manufacture a tremendous amount of heat on my own so it's even more important for a girl like me to be squirting regularly. I need to be in an environment where I can let go and experience the most complex orgasm a woman can experience. It's vital to my art, my craft, and my livingness.
Life isn't about holding steadfast to things that don't work for us. Life is about movement and going with the flow.
When my marriage disintegrated after seven years together and two children, I watched everything that I cared about most slip through my fingers — the stability of our family unit, the love that I felt for my partner, the spiritual connection that I thought he and I shared. I discovered something far more prescient in the whole ordeal, which some might describe as a bottoming out of sorts, and that was that I was far stronger than I believed myself to be.
I can survive damn near anything — I know this and I don't just have to endure. Enduring is a traditionally female thing to do and totally takes the wind out of your sails. Rather than endure, I can feel the pain and process it and be alive with it. I didn't think I could survive the loss of love, in the end, and how very wrong I was.
3. Release Your Shame
Having an abuse history earmarks you as "damaged goods" to a lot of partners but it wasn't something that I was afraid to navigate. If anything, I wanted to rid myself of the shame that I felt as violently as it had been thrust upon me. I was tired of feeling its corrosiveness and the way that the abuse inhibited me.
When I first discovered BDSM I was very confused but remarkably drawn to it at the same time. I didn't know why I relaxed into the restraints the way that I did other than it was because I was damaged and flawed. I didn't realize that to me, being sexually submissive is a way to demonstrate my core sexuality rather than subscribing to the belief that I was stirring the pot of my abuse history by engaging in a dynamic that mirrored past traumatic experiences but still turned me on.
When I tell people that I'm sexually submissive I get a lot of side-eye because I'm such a dominant person in my day-to-day interactions. It took years of unraveling story to realize that I want to look up to my lover and that I like the power differential.
You don't have to be "damaged" to get turned on in provocative ways or feel "less than" because you happen to be kinky. If anything, you've given yourself the opportunity to be genuine in a world full of people living out other people's fantasies rather than their own.
In releasing your shame you also come face to face with your hard and soft limits — those places where you are willing to budge and those places where you aren't. Your limits help to define you, especially what you are willing to experience and what you will forgo. Limits are gorgeous things.
4. Pleasure Is a Journey, Not a Destination
We are so focused on penis-centered penetrative sex in this country. Erection, penetration, ejaculation, and that's about it insofar as our view of male sexuality. How incredibly limiting to men!
Our view of female sexuality is even more shrouded in mystery. We still don't know about basic female anatomy and it's 2015! We have no idea what female ejaculation is comprised of. We're just now hearing about cervical orgasms. Clits are still being referred to as "the man in the boat" on terrestrial radio. This is crazy to me.
Pleasure is a journey, not a destination. How often does that ring true? We get so centered on penetrative sex that we forget about all of the other options available to us.
For instance — oral sex is a tremendous way to spend some time or the fine art of fingering which results in the even finer product of the big squirt, if you do it right. Or how about penetration with the man on the receiving end, thus getting his prostate some action? The list goes on and on...
5. Get Your Vibe On
Toy shopping can be rejuvenating. Being in an environment full of other pleasure-positive people who encourage you on your journey is definitely a positive.
My first sex toy was a little vibrating egg. Primarily a clit stimulator, the little egg was a game changer for me. The sex toys to follow were varied and equally delicious but I found myself hearkening back to that little egg time and time again and have purchased a dozen different varieties of the same device. I'm a bit of a sex toy purist, I guess.
I'm proud to report that I recently purchased my first Lelo. It's a G-spot stimulator and completely insane. I had to cry "watermelon" on it (my safe word) after about 10 minutes of aggressive play because the sensation was so intense.
Not all toys need to be that intense but the sense of fun and enjoyment and play needs to be present. We need to lighten up about sex, people, and we need to do it now.
6. Be Multiorgasmic
One orgasm is not enough. Go for the glory, Huck, and get going on multiples.
If you've never had multiple orgasms, we need to have a conversation, and we need to have it now. Multiple orgasms are your birthright, as a woman. They are nature's way of making up for childbirth and menstruation.
So get yourself a vibe, honey, and get going already. Make up for some lost time. Figure out what floats your boat and do more of it.
7. Know Your P*ssy
Take pictures of your p*ssy. Get to know what it looks like. Taste your p*ssy, get to know what it tastes like. Become familiar with its idiosyncrasies — every p*ssy has them. Places where there are more nerve bundles and therefore more sensitivity. Places where your brain lights up from the attention.
Pussies are magical f*ck things. The most amazing things on the planet, in my humble opinion. Every p*ssy has a personality that needs to be figured out and mastered.
For instance, my p*ssy can play very coy at times (ooooh, touch me sweetly) only to turn around and really dig on an intense fingering session and really rough sex. I hate coy females, as a general rule, so this was a big shock to discover but it is something that I needed to accept about my lady parts. One of my lovers calls her p*ssy Priscilla which hints at her p*ssy's personality.
They are as varied as penises, trust me, and need to be treated just as respectfully, if not more so.
8. Know Your Ass
Ass sex is some of the most intense sex a person can have. The feeling of being completely penetrated really rivals nothing else — vaginal intercourse doesn't necessarily stuff you to the gills like anal does.
Women don't have prostates, which is a serious loss in the ass sex department (unlike men), but our assh*les can contract and expand and can, I would argue, independently orgasm. I've had ass sex orgasms before and attribute them to being able to be in my body, let go, and allow sensation to take over. It also helps that it's a little raunchy and dirty.
Asses can be a tremendous source of release and newness in the sex department. When you're tired of the straight-up vaginal experience, go south and see what arises.
9. F*ck Being Underf*cked
I share Kim Anami's sentiment that the vast majority of women are underf*cked.
Well f*ck that.
Find someone who you can almost literally f*ck to death. Whose body wakes up in the night to f*ck yours without any conscious thought being involved. Whose c*ck or p*ssy you want to downright worship. Whose cum you want to drink more than effing water in the desert.
When we f*ck in that fashion, our hearts decide to play along. They can't help but get swept away by all of the rigmarole. Hearts are easily led astray by words, deeds, and by simply great sex. Let your heart get involved.
When we f*ck in this fashion, everything in our lives gets better. We can't help it. Our finances improve, our health improves, our joie de vivre shoots through the roof.
10. Have Boundaries
Know what your hard limits are. This can be a tough lesson for many.
When I went into an intense BDSM session without knowing what my hard limits were, I soon discovered them. This was a wake-up call of the highest order and one that I ran back to vanilla-land with.
I'm a bit of a twist — a vanilla girl with a swirl of kink. Even though the really kinky stuff turns me on, I have to stay grounded in what satisfies me in other realms, particularly my emotional world. I need a lover who is respectful and attentive. Who is down with my switchy-ness — my ability to top or bottom depending on my mood. I didn't discover any of this until I got out there and played.
So play until your boundaries become apparent or until you strike gold. You'll know it when it happens. Boundaries are very black and white so if you hit gray, you're not there yet.
This article was originally published at PopSugar Love. Reprinted with permission from the author.