Have you ever wanted to be the best at sex? You're in luck! Below, you'll find a tried-and-true list of techniques and maneuvers guaranteed to blow her mind, or your money back. And if you're a woman, Buzzfeed has a version for you.
Right now, millions of men are learning these legendary secret tricks to wowing the missus in the sack. You don't want to be the only one who doesn't possess this forbidden knowledge, do you?
Trust me. You can't afford NOT to read this list:
1. Pull her hair.
Women love it when you take on a slightly dominant role in the bedroom. Just don't go too HAM or you might hurt her.
2. Schedule a board meeting.
It's a scientific fact that women are attracted to power. Demonstrate yours by vigorously micro-managing your employees.
3. Leave a knife on the bed and disappear for a few hours.
She'll feel so safe under your protection, as she assumes you're stalking the perimeter for intruders with the rest of your weapons cache.
4. Don't forget foreplay! Leave a fresh deer carcass at her doorstep.
Nothing arouses a woman like the scent of a fresh kill from her hunter mate after a long day of gathering on the savannah.
5. Bust a move.
Women often associate dancing ability with sexual performance, so be sure to treat her to an entire three-hour performance of Riverdance to really get the juices flowing.
6. Achieve alpha male status amongst a pack of wolves.
Like power, women love leaders. The first episode of Game of Thrones provides more than enough instruction on how to accomplish this feat.
7. Surprise her with a thong of your own.
Let the poetry of Sisqo be your guide.
8. Bake your penis into a fresh calzone.
It's not just quickest way to a man's heart. After she's done ploughing through a solid pound of mozzarella, grease and pepperoni, she'll be more than ready to pounce on your charred manhood.
9. Engage in sexual intercourse.
We're talking P in V. Women go bonkers for this stuff, believe me.
10. Leave a couple of $20 bills on the night stand.
Money is an aphrodisiac. Make sure you point out the cash and let it be known there's more where that came from.
11. Open a soup kitchen.
Charitable works are sure to melt her heart and have her eating out of the palm of your hand. Plus, now you have the potential for extra participants who could join you if needed.