Sorry sweetie ... I'm just not not into it.
One of the best stories I've ever heard was from a friend of a friend who tried sexting her husband a picture of her boobs while he was at work — and accidentally sent her cleavage to a random group message that actually included a priest. Honestly, I'm still laughing over that one.
Her unfortunate example of sexting gone wrong only reconfirmed what I already know about sexting in my own marriage: it's not for me.
Say what you will about how it spices up your sex life or how it can keep a spark alive throughout the long and boring work day; I'm just not into it. For me, my lack of affection for the act of sexting basically boils down to a few simple logistics:
1. I suck at it.
Maybe it's a skill that I'm just lacking as a modern-day woman, but I just don't have it in me to snap Kim Kardashian-selfie-worthy pics of myself during the day. I can barely take a picture of my lunch and make it look appetizing, so how on earth will I do the same to my rather lackluster booty? Nope, it's not happening.
2. I have no time for it.
Look, my days mostly consist of wiping fecal matter off of small human beings (I have four kids and work from home with them here, hooray!), so the last thing I feel like doing is conjuring up some sexy-time while I'm dashing for the next diaper. The other day, I actually took a picture of some unidentified crap growing in my bathroom and sent that to my husband (which is about the most action I saw all that week).
3. I don't think my husband cares.
I confess: one time I did try to send a sexy picture. Granted, I may have made the mistake of trying to snap a sexy selfie while also breastfeeding the baby, but hey, I like to multi-task, OK? The girls were already on display.
My husband was in the room next door, putting the big kids to bed, and texted back, "WTH?" Mortified, party of one.
The combination of the fact that I'm obviously not very good at sexting and I never do it led my husband to laugh at me when I did attempt it, which definitely put a damper on any further attempts.
4. My kids constantly steal my phone.
I don't care how many locks or passwords we put on our phones, our kids have the uncanny ability to break into them or somehow reset the password so we can't get into them. (Yes, kids can be the worst.)
But the last thing I need is my kid asking, "Mommy? What's this a picture of?" or accidentally tweeting out a picture of my husband's butt. And then there's the fact that they have, on more than occasion, sent pictures to my mom from my camera roll.
5. I have forget-to-text-back syndrome.
I generally have one hand holding a baby when I'm reading my texts, so I'm totally that super annoying person who only texts you back after 48 hours have passed and you've forgotten what you even wanted to talk about in the first place.
With this special skill, I can only imagine how any sexting convos would go down: "Hey honey, what you wearing?" 24 hours later: "Yoga pants. You saw them this morning. Why?" Fail.
6. I worry about other people seeing them.
My husband is a teacher and because of that, I've always been extra cautious about taking any racy pictures on our phones. I once found him trending on Twitter for #thingsmyteachersays and that was not fun at all.
If his students are cool with putting him out in the Twitterverse, can you just imagine what would happen if a sext somehow got leaked? Thanks, but no thanks.