Hey, ever wanted a dildo with a dead person inside? You're in luck!
You can find anything on the Internet. For example, somebody on Uproxx.com found a memory box for sale that includes a dildo shaped urn that a lady can fill with her lost loved one’s ashes. You know, one of those things.
The box is called 21 Grams, and it also includes speakers for music and a perfume sprayer. We're assuming that those are to help set the correct mood for a night of passion, sex and remembrance. Really, though, everyone pretty much already owns speakers and spray bottles, so the only reason to buy this thing is for the dildo urn. To reiterate: It's a dildo and an urn. For ashes. Of a dead person. It's a dildo urn.
The fact that a dildo urn exists raises a lot of questions that we'd otherwise never have had to ponder, but since we're here:
1. How exactly does something like this work?
If somebody dies, they take care of the body immediately. They don't leave it sitting around, you know? Typically, you don’t have time to wait around for shipping and handling.
2. What if you find yourself needing a dildo urn and it's out of stock?
Or it gets lost in the mail? You can't really be like "Hey, we have to hold up on the funeral services until my dildo urn shows up." It’s also the sort of thing that would be weird to buy ahead of time.
3. How would a guy (say a future boyfriend) react to finding a dildo urn in your home?
If I were dating a girl and I found this tucked away somewhere, I’d disappear before she got a chance to use it. There’s nothing less romantic than finding a sex toy meant to hold your ashes. I might also call the police.
4. What if your boyfriend or husband doesn’t want to be cremated?
Or, what if they want to be cremated, but then have their ashes spread over the ocean? You can’t just ignore someone’s final wishes. You can’t be like, "I know you wanted to be buried in the family plot, but I get super horny sometimes, so too bad for you." For this to be useful, you're going to have the "Can I fill a sex toy with your ashes?" talk. Another name for that talk is "Hey, I’m breaking up with you, because you’re a sociopath."
5. How many steps away from actual necrophilia is this?
Like, one. Maybe. Maybe just 1/2.
6. How do you clean this?
I feel like a priest should be involved.
7. Who thought there was a market for this?
And who agreed with them? Because these people need to be detained or at least monitored closely. Fox Mulder wouldn't stand for this.
8. Why doesn't it come with a Ouija board?
I mean, if we're going to go there, let's really go there.
9. If you use it with a partner, does it count as a threesome?
Asking for a creep.
10. What happens if it breaks during use?
I ride the New York City subway every day, and this is probably still the most horrifying thought I’ve ever had.