5 Totally Superficial Things I'm Thankful For (Don't Judge Me.)

superficial thanksgiving

Because everyone's a little superficial.

It's Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday of the year! What other holiday focuses completely on over-eating, drinking heavily, and then repeating the process?

Okay, maybe I just described a normal Tuesday night at my house, but whatever. On Thanksgiving I don't have to hide the fact that I ate an entire box of 100-calorie Hostess packs.

I love Thanksgiving, not only because it encourages us to stuff our faces and then nap, but also because it reminds us to be thankful for things in our lives. So I decided to make a list of some of the things I'm thankful for because isn't that what this holiday is about? Well, that, and drinking heavily to to numb the pain of listening to Aunt Edna talk about her colonoscopy for the 5th time, but you get the point.

So here goes.

1. I'm thankful that Starbucks has a drive-thru.

Duh. This is a no-brainer. I'm addicted to Starbucks. That's no secret. One look at the inside of my car with empty venti cups strewn about will tell you I can't get enough of that place. (There may or may not also be random Fiber One bar wrappers in my car as well, but don't judge. I like to be regular.) I hit up this joyous place nearly every day, and they take a significant portion of my salary each and every year which is fine, as long as they make it up with the pumpkin spice latte.

So I'm thankful they've finally decided to start putting drive-thrus in the Starbucks locations because I mean, I can't actually be expected to actually get out of my car and walk inside to order my 500 calorie drink, heavy on the whip, can I? That's ridiculous! And since I'm very important, I don't have time to park, get out of my car, and walk into the store only to be exposed to blaring tunes of Michael Buble. I can just sit in my car and rock out to him. That doesn't require any physical activity.

So I'm thankful that Starbucks continues to not only contribute to my broke bank account; it also continues to contribute to my expanding waist line and my dedication to a lack of exercise. Cheers!

2. I'm thankful that the house next door to us is vacant.

No, I don't want to use the neighboring house to have a party with my friends where we play Spin the Bottle and chug from a bottle of Apple Pucker, although that does sound like quite a delightful night. Rather, I'm thankful the next door house is vacant because I don't like to get fully clothed to let the dogs in and out for their potty breaks. That's a lot of work, and as you discovered from the point above, I'm extremely lazy.

When there was someone living in the house next door, I would have to throw on a robe (or pants) when I let the dogs out. Now that it's vacant, I don't have to be bothered with fully clothing myself just to let my dogs do their business on the oak tree. I hope that house always remains vacant, because I can't be bothered to fully clothe myself whenever my dogs need to pee, but I also don't want to be arrested for indecent exposure (again).

3. I'm thankful someone invented DVR.

I'm far too important to be bothered with commercials. Don't the networks know I have better things to do than watch Wilford Brimley warn of the dangers of diabetes? I always find it humorous that I watch these commercials with some sort of sugary treat in hand. When I sit down to a good episode of Gossip Girl or America's Next Top Model, I can't be bothered with commercials reminding me I need to clean my house or call my mother. I want to know why Chuck Bass is acting strange. Get on with it! Fortunately, DVR allows me to fast-forward these annoying interruptions so I can get back to making fun of Tyra Banks and her over-dramatic diatribes and her over-active behind.

4. I'm thankful for dog bones.

With three dogs in the house, it can get a little hectic. Sometimes I just want to sit down and relax, and not be bothered by barking dogs and a nagging husband. The bones fix one of those two problems. I realize that giving my dogs bones to stop them from being assholes may not be the best way to handle the situation, but it's the easiest way, and it keeps me from having to do any real work, so I support it.

That way I can get back to eating my brownie and watching reruns of Roseanne without any judgment from the dogs. (And believe me, I'm punished from giving the dogs bones, as the gas that emits from our dogs after eating them will peel the paint right off your walls, or at least burn your nose hair.) It's a vicious cycle, but at least this lazy solution ensures my husband will never have nose hair sticking out. Win-win.

5. I'm thankful that my bank knows my spending habits.

I received a text this morning that my credit card detected unusual activity on my account. I immediately called back, ready to get to the bottom of who was fraudulently using my card. The nice recorded voice asked me to verify some charges, as they didn't seem like the charges I would regularly make.

I listened in anticipation, ready to mount my revenge on the thugs who obviously stole my number. She began listing the charges, which began with a charge to Whole Foods at 8:00 am. That's what drew suspicion. Turns out, my husband got a hold of my card. I was let down, but glad that at least my bank knows I prefer to charge things at the grocery store, the gas station and the liquor store down the street, usually after 10:00 p.m.


This article was originally published at LisaNewlin.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.


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