Make sure the only "F" words this season are "Fa la la" and "Fruitcake"
With families to visit, jingle bells to ring, and halls to deck, the holidays can be stressful. They're even more stressful if you're the type of person (like me) who SUCKS at holidays. But even if you're not Martha Stewart, there are ways to make sure the only F-words muttered this holiday season are "Fa la la" and "fruitcake" and that the "D" in "DIY" doesn't stand for "divorce" or "destruction." So put on your ugly sweater and pour yourself a cup of alcoholic pancake batter (also known as eggnog) and let's begin!
When it comes to the inside décor, I suggest it's done in stages:
1. Find the fragile decorations... in the box labeled "Don't Set Anything On Top Of" at the bottom of a stack of boxes, along with a dozen pulverized candy canes. Sit on the couch with your holiday beverage of choice and stare aimlessly at the boxes for hours in hopes for a holiday miracle.
2. Hang old socks by the fireplace...and then tie "foliage" a.k.a. mistletoe above a doorway to encourage awkward displays of affection between people who accidentally stop to ask where you keep the good wine.
3. Procrastibake. Make a batch of cookies instead of doing something else you should be doing, like stashing away the good wine.
4. If you're not into baking, do not despair. Simply throw flour on your clothes, spend hours scouring Pinterest for desserts you "might" make, light a sugar cookie candle and call it good.
5. Run out of tinsel for your tree? Thread aluminum foil through a shredder.
6. Need a few quick ornaments? Cut coffee filters into snowflakes, put hooks in used wine corks and throw some pinecones from the yard on Good Ole Tannenbaum.
7. If your tree is fake, consider leaving it up all year to avoid having to haul it back out and decorate it for various holidays. Use the branches to dry out your socks and bras.
8. Still have those cheap foam pool noodles hanging around from the summer? Grab a red one, twist in the shape of a candy cane and tie a piece of fishing line around the two parts of the bend to keep it in place. Wrap white ribbon or electric tape around it to create stripes. Fun and functional décor!
9. Sure, it's lovely to have sparkling seasonal wrapping paper, but sometimes you get stuck in a pinch. In those instances, I suggest using "Happy Birthday" paper and writing "Jesus" after it. If you're not religious, write "Rudolph." After being ostracized for the whole year, let the poor little red-nosed guy catch a break.
10. No wrapping paper at all? Grab an empty bag of chips and scour your house for items you think could work as a gift; I recommend shampoos, hand wipes, coffee packets and soaps you swiped from a hotel room. Clean the chip bag and turn it inside out to reveal the silver part, carefully place your gift inside, twist the bag at the top, find a ribbon and you're set.
Done! Christmas spirit is half in the bag, just like you will be at your in-law's house after a few glasses of alcoholic pancake batter and questions about when you're going to have kids. Fa-la-la!