The new '50 Shades Of Grey' trailer is supposed to get us hot, but mostly just got us bothered.
The new 50 Shades Of Grey trailer is out, and, well, we're here to save you the potentially NSFW trouble of actually watching it:
0:09-0:11 Christian Grey has a better closet than I do and life isn't fair.
0:12-0:14 Woman, you're a college graduate. Get better hangers.
0:15-0:17 All his ties are grey, get it? Get it? Do you get it? Because if you don't, you probably need a lobotomy.
0:17-0:19 I know Ana Steele is supposed to be homely and have a pH of about 14, but Jesus Christ. That ponytail bump. Those greasy roots. You're meeting up with a billionaire, at least spring for some goddamn dry shampoo.
0:19-0:29 What a fancy car and a fancy building and a fancy elevator and a fancy receptionist. Why isn't Iggy Azalea playing right now?
0:30-0:40 Ana Steele has to be the least engaging interviewer since Bethenny Frankel. Seriously, a Whoopee cushion has more charisma than this.
0:41-0:44 Ana Steele and Christian Grey recite one another's first names, inexplicably sounding somewhat frantic. I need a nap.
0:45-0:46 Ana Steele stands and takes in some rain. She's all wet. Do you get it? I hope you get it, because this is the most elementary imagery ever at this point.
0:46-0:54 Ana Steele and Christian Grey are like, so distracted by one another's blandness that they just can't focus on being bland themselves. Also, Christian Grey can't stop staring at Ana Steele during a photo shoot, which means he's an amateur at this whole modeling thing. This was probably the most difficult scene, in terms of acting and suspending disbelief, for onetime Calvin Klein underwear model and Golden Torso Jamie Dornan to shoot.
0:55-0:57 Christian Grey visits Ana Steele at her job at a hardware store. She looks terrified. She should be. This is basically stalking, isn't it?
0:58-0:59 Oh, so a guy stalked you and you followed him into the woods, Ana Steele? Really? I swear to God, this needs to be a Lifetime PSA about white women who go missing more than a seductive Valentine's Day movie.
1:00-1:01 Christian Grey tells Ana Steele, "I want to see your face. It gives me some clue what you might be thinking." Which would be fine, except it really doesn't, because Dakota Johnson just stares around blankly. At best, her face says, "I'm thinking of glue."
1:02-1:07 Christian Grey tells Ana Steele that he exercises control in all things, which she thinks sounds lame. But relinquishing control isn't that much fun, either, Ana. Look at your hair. You're letting it be controlled by sleep and the elements and oil. It's not cute. Please fix it. He's rich. He can take you to an upscale salon. Or to CVS. Just please, do something. Like, I can't even with this. I want to go home.
1:08-1:15 Christian Grey and Ana Steele make out in an elevator. It's weird that Muzak gets them so aroused, but hey, everybody has their something.
1:16-1:22 Ana Steele hops into a plane with Christian Grey, who straps her in. She says, "You're not playing fair." What choice does the man have? He has an airplane and you don't even have Alberto VO5. Why must he handicap himself?
1:23-1:26 Christian Grey yanks down Ana Steele's pants and kisses her thigh. They also dance and twirl and smile at each other. Okay.
1:27-1:35 Apparently, Christian Grey and Ana Steele do the sex. He tells her he's not the man for her because he had a rough start in life. He basically breaks up with her, and she keeps having sex with him. Ladies: That. Never. Works.
1:36-1:43 Christian Grey takes off his shirt, which is nice. He and Ana Steele make out in bed and she asks him to enlighten her on his "singular tastes." I can relate to that. I'm a really picky eater and if a restaurant doesn't serve chicken fingers I sometimes have a silent anxiety attack while I spit out fancy, expensive but horrible-tasting food into my napkin or wash it down with a lot of gin. Maybe this isn't so bad.
1:44-1:48 Christian Grey takes Ana Steele into his play room. She neither looks shocked nor impressed, because, again, she just looks blank all the time. I'd say she was trying to play it cool, but I don't have enough faith in the acting nor directing of this project to think that way.
1:49-1:52 Ana Steele reads up on her contract to be a submissive and asks Christian Grey why he's trying to change her. He says he isn't. Apparently neither of them understands how contract law works. Although maybe if the change he wanted to make was to have a face that conveys emotion or hair that doesn't look like it hasn't been washed in five days, that's a change she ought to be willing to make. Also, Christian Grey took off his shirt again, which still doesn't make up for all of this.
1:54-1:58 Ana Steele almost gets hit by a car because even her crosswalk skills are basic. Christian Grey tells her she's actually the one changing him. This will end well.
1:59-2:02 Christian Grey takes Ana Steele for an airplane flight and introduces her to his family. Rita Ora wears a weird wig as his sister, Mia Grey. Ana Steele is unsure about all this, just like I am. Actually, no. I'm pretty sure.
2:03-2:10 Christian Grey fights off a guy who makes a pass at Ana Steele. They do the sex, this time with blindfolds and an ice cube. Which reminds me, my office is cold as balls right now. Seriously, was a study published somewhere that says employees are more productive when their nipples can cut glass? This is bulls*it.
2:11-2:18 They do the sex some more. Ana Steele wonders what will happen if she stays. I wonder how people will restrain their laughter and/or snores in the theater when this mess comes out.