What would the world be without the penis? It would be a world of Ken dolls, which is terrifying.
Well, dear human beings, you did not, I repeat, you did not invent sex. You may think you have the market cornered on it, at least when it comes to technique and maybe even positions, too, but you were not the first to think that, perhaps, conjoining genitals might be a good idea. No, the medal for that accomplishment goes to a species of fish, called placoderms, and they first got it on 385 million years ago. Humans were really late to the party on this one.
A new study has found that contrary to the belief that internal fertilization happened later on in the world of evolution, the placoderms have proved otherwise. According to the findings, the male fish had "L-shaped genital limbs called claspers," which would release their sperm into the lady fish after they "locked the male organs in place in order to copulate." Sounds pretty romantic to me.
But why is this so important? Because these fish, a mere eight centimeters in length, are our ancestors. For 70 million years the placoderms were the head honchos of all the world's water sources, but for reasons scientists have yet to discover, they disappeared around 360 million years ago, causing researchers to believe that they were "an evolutionary branch that failed." However, that is indeed not the case; they're our great-grandparents, sort of.
As our ancestors, we have many things to thank the placoderms for, our jaws, teeth, and limbs for starters, and, of course, the claspers. It may have taken over a 100 million years to get to where it is today, but the claspers evolved into the penis. And what would the world be without the penis? It would be a world of Ken dolls, which is both adorable and terrifying.
So, the next time you're about to have sex, take into consideration that you're performing a sacred act that has existed for 385 million years. It is not something to be taken lightly and should be given the respect it deserves. One should never go into the sexy times half heartedly, because you're trying to make your ancestors proud by doing the great and wonderful thing they invented for you.
Sure, their reasons for having intercourse may be a bit different from your own, but that doesn't make it any less important. It's up to you to keep the tradition alive, for the sake of the future and our past. That's what the placoderms would want.