After years and years of awkward dates and not-so-great luck with free online dating sites, I finally decided to get serious about meeting Mr. Right. Yes, I joined “the paid dating site we shall not name”. While I'd grown accustomed to the "three messages and meet" rule (you know, to help avoid spending too much time communicating with an excellent writer who happens to be beastly in person), I was not as prepared for the hilariously rude, pre-programmed questions the site wanted me to send to potential love interests to see if we'd make a great match. Check out the ones that made me literally laugh out loud (since crying might be a tad too dramatic). You’ll find the actual (yes, real life) questions along with what I consider to be the, ahem, appropriate answers.
1. HOW OFTEN DO YOU EXERCISE?
Riddle me this: Would anyone in their right mind communicate with a person on an online dating site who didn't have a photo? Right. So, this question is actually asking, "What do you look like naked?"
Hey, my eyes are up here, buddy.
2. IF YOU WERE TO MARRY, HOW MANY CHILDREN WOULD BE IDEAL?
This seems like a conversation you should have on, like, at least the 10th date. I'm not a baby factory, sir.
3. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE LOTS OF: RESPECT, MONEY, FAME, POWER?
The thing is, there's only one "correct" answer to this question. If you choose anything other than respect, you're selfish and questionable. But we all know the answer here is obviously "all of the above," and if you say otherwise, you're lying.
4. WHAT KIND OF WORKOUTS DO YOU PREFER?
Again with the workouts? Does running to the bathroom during commercial breaks count?
5. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES?
If a girl sends this question, she's seeing if the guy knows the right answer. If a guy sends it, run, quickly. Do not pass go.
6. IN A MARRIAGE, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE WOMAN MADE SIGNIFICANTLY MORE MONEY THAN THE MAN?
The guy who sends this question is clearly telling you something. He's saying "I need a sugar mama. Interested?"
7. IF I HAD A BAD DAY, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO FOR ME?
Jeez, selfish much? This question should be rephrased to say "If YOU had a bad day, what is the first thing you would want ME to do for YOU?" Otherwise, we're starting off on the wrong foot all together. (And yes, I have received it more than once.)
8. WHAT ARE YOUR BODY-TYPE PREFERENCES FOR YOUR MATE?
Waste of a question. Anything other than "whatever you look like is totally my type," is the wrong answer.
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