Justin Bieber, as we're sure you've heard, was hit with community service, anger management courses, probation and an $80,000 bill for damages after tossing eggs at his former neighbor's home in January.
The formerly cool Bieber eventually sold his crib and avoided jail time by picking up some litter, promising to learn how to control his temper, and debiting his bank account in an amount he will never feel. All this punishment is the result of just one of his bratty exploits in 2014. We'll never forget when he was arrested for allegedly drag racing with traces of pot in his system. Or his oh-so-pretty mug shot. Or how he went nuclear when a lawyer questioned him about his on-off lady love Selena Gomez. And the hits just keep on comin'.
But fear not, Young Biebwalker. We've written the script for your return to prominence to help you win back the hearts of the American public, the Beliebers, and Miss Gomez herself.
Trust us. You're are a talented kid and could step right back into the shiny loafers of the late Michael Jackson if you get your shit together and follow these five simple rules.
You're welcome, JB. And remember, this is not an "intervention." We're here to help.
Stop posting photos of yourself exercising while shirtless. We know you are working hard to earn abs, but posting photos while working out only makes you look like an inmate, not like the formerly cute teen idol we know you can be. We understand wanting to break up with the past, but don't smash it.
Stop dressing like a pimp. We're all for snazzy, stylish ensembles and we appreciate that you can't wear jeans and sneakers all the time, but how about you tone down the pimptactular attire? Hire a new swag coach, maybe?
Stop posting photos with girls, even if they are "just friends." That bums out your first love Selena Gomez and your Beliebers, most of whom are females. Let them have the fantasy that they are your one and only for a little while longer, since we all know the fame clock is a'tickin'. (This will be important to you a few years down the road, promise.)
Stop wearing guido chains. We can deal with the fedoras if you ditch the heavy metal. It's tacky and loud. You're too cute for the Jersey Shore-approved accessories.
Stop with the prison tattoos. Those chest and neck pieces make you look "yard hard" and like an inmate, which we already mentioned in reference to the shirtless workout exploits. Yes, we know they are permanent and you can't erase them, but how about a moratorium on the ink for a minute or two? If you go the ink-the-throat route, we can't help you. Again, you're too cute to have body art that screams "Thug Life!" Besides, haven't you learned anything from Vanilla Ice, who was once on top of the pop world? Just sayin'...
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