... and how to get on the same sex schedule as your partner.
Ever feel like you and your guy are on totally different schedules when it comes to having sex? He's always trying to make a move in the morning when all you can think about is coffee? If so, it's not in your head, and you shouldn't feel like something is wrong when you're not on the same sex page. Research has shown that men biologically want it more so in the morning while women are more ready to go at night.
The cause of conflicting sex schedules:
Looks like nature is making it trickier for heterosexual couples to be on the same page, once again. Men wake up with their testosterone level peaking between 25 percent and 50 percent more than any other time of day, thanks to their pituitary gland producing male sex hormones as they sleep. The longer and deeper your guy sleeps, the higher his testosterone level will be. Women, on the other hand, produce only a small amount of the sex hormone, testosterone, at night and so the morning is actually when their testosterone level is at its lowest.
"You may have heard the phrase 'morning wood,' it's the almost across the board male experience of having an erection first thing in the morning. Women, on the other hand, don't start getting revved up until later in the evening. Part of the imbalance in sexual stimulation is due to testosterone, which peaks for men in the morning. But there are several other components that come into play as well," explains YourTango dating expert, Laurel House of Quickie Chick.
Ladies just need time. Studies have found that a woman's testosterone level is more likely to be boosted if she is anticipating sex with her partner. So perhaps she is at work all day, but her mind is wondering to what she wants to do to her man once she gets home. While her sex hormones are rising, her man's all-time morning high is lowering over the course of the day.
"Women are emotional creatures. You can't just snap your fingers and we are turned on. We need the buildup, romance, and anticipation. Sure, sometimes we are turned on from the moment we ease out of sleep, but generally it takes some stimulation — visually, emotionally, or environmentally to ascend to that level of 'ok, now I'm ready for sex," says House. "We also need to be in a relaxed head space, which generally happens at the end of the day when we turn off our brains and turn on our hearts, making us open to the feeling of being turned on."
How to work through it:
So how in world can we get pass conflicting sexy time schedules? Working out is an option, since studies have shown that resistance or endurance exercises raises men and women's testosterone levels after 30 to 40 minutes. YourTango life coach, Debra Smouse, also recommends the most important tool in a relationship — communication.
"While I believe that good communication is key to tackling any relationship issue, including differences in sexual desire, partners can use this research as a way to engage in more frequent sex. First of all, agree that you're both going to work towards more intimacy and a more satisfying sex life."
After this very important step, Smouse calls for action.
"If your husband has a lower sex drive than you, be willing to take advantage of morning sex. Go to bed earlier so that you're more rested. Wear a sexy nightgown that makes YOU feel sexy (or nothing at all). In other words, be open to taking advantage of 'morning wood'."
Men, you're not off the hook. Smouse also has a few things you can do to make it work.
"If your wife has the lower sex drive, take hints from the recent science around sexual desire. Do the dishes while she relaxes with a book and some great music. Tell her she's beautiful. Most importantly, remember that stress hormones are shown to reduce desire for both men and women. Working on a more serene home life can help boost desire for all."