On Women Behaving “Manly”

So much talk seems to dominate popular women’s magazines about the importance of being feminine. Many a dating or relationship coach emphasizes that it is a woman’s feminine essence which attracts the strong protective man who will want to take care of her. There is much truth in this. I’ve seen “masculine” women attract weak men who want her to be more mother than lover. However, human beings are more complex than being reduced to their gender.

Author David Deida writes about the nature of feminine or masculine essence and how this plays into polarity. It is in polarity that attraction arises or falls. Love, or namely, romantic or physical attraction is the result of physics. If only it were that simple. When it comes to masculine or feminine essences, there is a spectrum, and not every woman ca become as womanly as Sophia Loren even if she really tried. Same can be said for men. It’s not appropriate that every single man make it his aim in life to become as alpha male as Gerard Butler’s character in 300.

What’s more important is to be our genuine selves and navigate the worlds as mature, responsible, emotionally healthy and balanced adults. The economics of the day demands most women to be working even if they have a well earning spouse. Other things to consider are the cultural notions of feminine and masculine which can vary greatly from culture to culture. Some females are born tomboys and others are Southern Belles. Unfortunately, as we grow up, the environment can program women to be more “masculine” than need be.

So in the spirit of becoming more feminine it’s not uncommon for women to hear some rather 1950’s inspired ideas of what it means. We are not meant to be anyone other than ourselves. As much as Sophia Loren is the epitome of feminine for me, believe it or not, I don’t want to be like her. I can appreciate that aspect of Loren without seeking to emulate it. If anything, Madonna and Cameron Diaz, are more my kind of gal. Ironically, Sophia Loren grew up fatherless and became involved with a married 40-year-old Carlo Ponti when she was 15. The pair later married.

What Madonna and Cameron Diaz seem to have in common is a strong affiliation with their fathers. Madonna talks about her father’s influence on her development of discipline. Diaz has spoken in interviews about how her late father had wanted sons so he encouraged her and her sister to be assertive. As a result of the paternal guidance of their fathers, my amateur hypothesis is that it’s the masculine that is a major factor in cultivating female confidence. This is a confidence to be oneself with men and women. In that, in being comfortable in one’s own skin, is where a truly attractive person emerges.

Growing up, I had two alpha males raising me, and by the time I hit puberty their words to “take it like a man” formed in my psyche. My grandfathers and father were formidable figures to me as a little girl. My dad ruled with an iron fist. To this day I would be too scared to answer him back for fear of reprisal. How I learned to read happened in a six hour power drill session on the alphabet with my dad. He scrambled letters and had me practice the sounds and recognize the characters until I could read. Overnight I went from borderline illiterate to reading an advanced reader.

Socially, I was much younger than my peer group, and almost a year younger than the kids in my grade. On the inside I felt socially awkward and self-conscious. On the outside, my peers and other people described me as having too much bravado for a girl. Truth is, I had to be a bit of a rough and tumble type, because bullies were all around me. Sometimes faking it is a survival tactic. Few saw the extent of my sensitivity or how much I wore my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I would act out in defiance with a temper tantrum and it clued some people in to how emotionally porous I was. When I was on my own after High School and far from home, being streetwise seemed like a mandatory strategy to survive the big bad world.

Truth is, masculine energy can make the difference between being harassed on the street or not. I learned early on that how I dressed combined with certain body language kept creeps away. Over time, I liked being left alone, but by then I was pushing all men away. Masculine energy is assertive, forthright, penetrating, and goes after one goal after another. Those qualities felt empowering while female energy felt weak, needy, and too prone to hormonal changes. There was a consistency being in masculine energy that felt grounding.

On the outside I had the short hair and severe make-up. That look only lasted a few years. Eventually I had to soften my look for professional reasons. My hair was grown out, layered, and styled to allow its natural beach waves to be shown. The clothing had to change too. A more professional and feminine wardrobe was to my advantage working in public relations. The motivation was what was good for business. Even with the more womanly appearance the inner masculine energy remained. I relished in it. As a result I attracted men who either wanted to knock me off my throne or needed a domanatrix who ordered them around.

I was having fun playing at being girly like the transformation of Nikita in La Femme Nikita from streetwise thug to a French Mata Hari. The fun was in the costume and styling but feeling feminine didn’t take hold as an enjoyable experience until a surprise pregnancy. When I was 26 the Investment Banker I had been with for two years got transferred to Hong Kong. We didn’t break-up per se but I knew I was never going to marry him. Less than a month after he relocated I woke up to very bad cramping that preceded an early term miscarriage.

The doctors estimated that I was nine weeks along when I lost the baby. Then it made sense. For the past two months the chemical changes had affected my brain and body with female hormones. My emotions were stronger, deeper, and my body was more sensitive to changes in scent and temperature. Losing a baby was the start of bringing the masculine and feminine inside me to balance.

Embodying the feminine, the fertile energy only a woman can have, and sensing the world as a female form, prompted a movement towards balance. A month after the miscarriage I attended a health talk at an integrated health clinic in Chicago. The talk happened to be targeted to women so I asked the speaker about recommended well-being practices after a miscarriage. Before she went through a list of remedies, the speaker said something poignant. She said that if there is no tangible medical explanation for what caused a miscarriage it could be a result of the mother lacking enough “yin” to carry a baby to term.

Those words struck me deeply. To think that I lost the baby because I lacked the nurturing and comforting energy needed for a fetus to thrive. My heart sank but it was a chance to cultivate the aspects of being feminine that I loved. The motherly essences. Taking it like a man may help compartmentalize and cope with disappointment at the office. It also made my body unwelcome for a baby.