Dear Holidays: I Hate You


boxing santa
What sucks about the holidays… are expectations.

OK, I know how that headline sounds (especially to those of you who love Christmas). But the truth is, my thoughts on the holidays are not so finite and/or rooted in hatred.

And … I'm not talking about the consumer-side nor the religious aspects of the holiday season. So let's just pause and clear a few things up here:


No matter what your religious beliefs, here's an important update—As of the time of this writing, there are just a handful of shopping days left in this consumer-driven holiday known as Christmas, symbolized by an obese man (sorry... is that non-PC?) wearing a red suit created by Coca-Cola in 1931 as an advertising campaign (who breaks into your house to leave gifts and steal cookies left for him).

Add this to the fact that he's named after the Christian/Catholic/Protestant/Baptist/Mormon/etc. Savior's birthday (even though religious scholars believe He was born in September —wait — no — sometime in the Spring), and is, according to religious history, the King of the Jews (who only believe he was a prophet, not the Son of God).

This all, of course, totally ignoring the fact that the original celebration is actually rooted in Pagan traditions.

*brain explodes*

Maybe some people are upset about trees being cut down. Or feel angry at the perceived wastefulness. Or the blatant, rampant commercialism. Or (like me) that Starbucks becomes the most obnoxiously festive, Ode-To-Joy/Joy-To-The-World place on the planet. Yup. I get it. But for now, let's simply acknowledge all of this … stuff, and silently agree to put it aside for the time it takes you to read the rest of this article.

Instead, let's talk about the subject that affects your everyday life: your relationships.

First, please allow me to admit that I actually love the holiday season. And by that, I mean what it stands for: the spirit of the holidays. Although filled with joy and music and gift-giving, the holiday season sends many-a-chill down many-a-person's spine.

The pressure of the season is enormous, both externally and internally, for a multitude of reasons.

Studies show that external influences—friends, family, jobs, commutes, living arrangements—can often cause the most turmoil for an otherwise happy couple. Like so:

  • Seeing the in-laws/significant other's parents. Pressure mounts about saying, doing and wearing the right thing. The silent judgement from family is often deafening on both sides of this relationship, and can also lend themselves to arguments that usually don't exist.
  • Family drama. Family you usually don't see (or don’t get along with) bring with them a host of social dynamics that many don't want to deal with, even for a short visit. If you haven't seen them or spoken to them since the last family get-together, chances are there is either no connection… or else there's tension. To have to sit nicely and make small talk with people you don't necessarily care for (or with whom you have unresolved issues) can not only create an atmosphere of tension while present in the situation, but the time before and after the holidays can also feel incredibly stressful.
  • Friends who don't mix. You know them individually, but they don't know each other, and everyone is going to cross paths. The mixed personalities, unknown dynamics, and silent jealousies can make things awkward, before and after the holidays.
  • The awkwardness of "blended" families. Divorce, stepkids, new girlfriends and boyfriends, exes invited by your friends (and they didn't tell you!)… these examples and more come with their own set of communication challenges. Too many unspoken and unresolved situations can create a bad vibe for everyone.
  • Lord help us—office parties. How do you act? Who should you bring with you? How many drinks should you consume? These are but the warm-up questions, because the real challenge is unspoken, yet ever-present for so many: office politics.
  • "When are you going to get married?" conversations. With family and friends present, who's single and who’s taken is very apparent. If you're not in a committed relationship — or you don't bring someone to the gathering/party — you know the question's coming.
  • The hell that is holiday shopping. Parking spot fights, missing that last sale item, pushing past people in aisle three. Everyone's patience is a little thinner, their tone a little more curt, and their nerves a little more frazzled. And keep in mind, this is all to portray you as giving, thoughtful, and kind in the eyes of those you love. (Anyone else see a disconnect here)?
  • Gift-giving competitiveness. What should I get them? Is it enough? Is it even with what they are getting me? What if they get me something and I don't get them something? And social media only create a deeper sense of "I didn't get enough" or "I didn't give enough". You'll see what everyone else gave and got on Facebook… but did you?
  • Being single. The holiday season is especially hard for those who are not in a relationship. Feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or bitterness can creep up, distancing the single from the otherwise festive festivities.

And two of the worst (and related) issues for couples:

  • Unspoken expectations. If you don't tell them what you want/expect during this time (not just with gifts, but with family relations, time management, events, to-do lists, finances, etc.), you will create tension where their was none—simply because you didn't speak up honestly.
  • How they receive love. We're told at a young age to treat others the way we wish to be treated … but that often doesn't always work. People crave love and recognition in different ways. But we often give love and recognition as we hope to receive it, thinking that makes others feel loved, too (when it definitely does not). 

    If one person values time, they'll want (or expect) lots of time spent together during the holiday season. But if someone else values effort, they don't want time together, they want a thoughtful gift (homemade or carefully shopped for) that reflects that their wants, needs and interests were noticed all year. These two people treat others as they themselves wish to receive love, yet neither will actually feel cared for in the end because neither received love how they want it.

Can we solve all these issues? Of course not. And THAT is the point! 

The holiday season might have its good moments, but it creates an atmosphere of Get-It-Right-Through-Luck-And-Mind-Reading if people aren't paying really close attention to everything.

Bottom line: Remember that people don't receive love exactly the way you do. Being single isn't a crime. Be open and honest with those you love, and not just through the holiday season, but always. And communicate — which means to listen without judgement. Maybe it sounds trite, but it shouldn't take a religious/Pagan/commercial holiday to have us just be kind to one another? Life is too short not to do these things daily.

Just a couple of days to go. The big Ho-Ho-Ho Showdown is almost here.

Yes, you'll still find me waiting for Saint Nick. But not with cookies. Nope, this year, I'm going with tequila.

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