My girlfriend turned out the bedroom lights, kissed me, and rolled over. A minute later, an unmistakable sound broke the silence.
Jane had farted. We'd been together for two years and this was the first peep I had heard from her derrière. She was mortified, but I was relieved. Forgive the pun, but the gas actually cleared the air, and in a roundabout way it opened the door to our engagement.
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These days, few topics between men and women are truly taboo; passing gas is one of them. Whether we're too polite, just plain grossed out, or obsessed with keeping up appearances (I'm talking to you, Ms. I Don't Toot, Ever), we seem bent on pretending that women don't have this normal bodily function. Dating Disaster: A Guy, A Girl, Her Gas
Women insist that it's "not lady-like" and that therefore it doesn't happen. Men (some men anyway) believe this fib, bury their heads in the sand, and then ridicule their girlfriends when nature sounds off. But everyone farts, even if we refuse to admit it. And that's what gives the humble toot a strange power in the course of a relationship.
Before she farted (BSF), a lot of fears ran through my head about Jane and the future of our relationship. I knew that I loved her and that she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But aside from knowing those two things, I had my doubts about, well, just about everything.
Here's just a small sample of my BSF fears:
• Do her friends like me?
• Does she really like my friends? If she doesn't, will I ever see them again?
• Does her family like me?
• What if the sex gets boring?
• How many more pillows does she plan to buy for our bed?
• Will we ever stop going to big box stores, or will this be my Saturday routine for the rest of my life?
I can assure you that nowhere on this list was the question, What if she farts? In fact, I hadn't thought about it until she actually farted. After the toot and a brief, uncomfortable silence, we spoke.
Me: Did you fart?
Me: Why do you sound embarrassed?
Her: Because it's disgusting.
Her: So, it's not sexy.
She was right. Farting is not sexy. Of course, assessing a fart for sexiness makes as much sense as criticizing water for having zero alcohol content. I decided to fight embarrassment with sarcasm.
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