Much has already been said about Duke University graduate Karen Owen's senior sex "thesis," a 43-page masterpiece rating her 13 athlete conquests while attending the university. Owen rates each guy on a scale from 1-10, using genital size, overall bedroom skill, situation, personality, along with before and after bedside manners as factors. Some argue the PowerPoint presentation (yes, really) is a major victory for women—indeed men can be objectified with the same kind of piggish fervor as women!—others, the less shadenfreud-y of the bunch, think the whole thing is rather heartless. It isn't right, they argue, for men or women to spread intimate sexual details in such a tactless manner.
Regardless, Owen's Horizontal Academic document submitted to the school of Late Night Entertainment is unequivocably female. First off and foremost, we can hardly imagine a locker room full of bros going so in-depth about this stuff. Would they even remember? Surely there's ESPN on or something, right? So here it is fellas, the five things you can learn from Owen's manifesto. Spoken from a true woman.
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1.) Size matters, but isn't everything: Karen was particularly adept at picking men who were either "very large" or "quite well-endowed." There's either a growth hormone in the Duke water or Karen O.'s got a good eye. Seriously. However, penis size aside, there were was only one perfect score. What gives? As Karen says herself, one guy with an "enormous" package scored a 4 out of 10 due to having a dull personality and not knowing how to move. Other gifted applicants were boring or came too quickly.
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2.) Manners. Get some: Karen left a pair of earrings at a conquest's place by mistake and wanted them back. While many men are wary of this "forgetfulness" and think it's a not-so-clever way to see them again, it still behooves you to return the item in a gentlemanly fashion. After a text to conquest #2 about retrieving the earrings she received a flippant response that he'd leave them "outside the building."
3.) Kissing is important: Even hunks of six-pack abs, megawatt smiles and bravado oozing out of their lacrosse sticks were downgraded for skimping on the foreplay. Her only "1" (the lowest rating) out of the batch was a guy who foolishly only kissed her a few times before getting it on. What did he do after that? "Just simply walked out of the room and didn't return." Is Steamy Text Messaging The New Foreplay?