How To Spot A D-Bag From His Online Dating Profile

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Buzz, Heartbreak

What that online dating profile is really telling you.

I used to write a column for an alternative newsweekly where I'd set a couple up on a blind date, interview them separately afterward, then report. This was before sharing your innermost thoughts with strangers was the norm, before online sites made blind dates the best way to meet people.

The whole thing started as a kind of a joke (blind dates were for losers!), but as I got to know my readers I wanted things to work out for them. Every week I'd scour the applications, trying to find a couple that just might hit it off. Between studying the applications and conducting the post-date interviews, I learned how to translate what people really meant when they said they enjoy "long walks." Read on for red flags your potential online date is a d-bag.  Online Daters Are Big Fat Liars

"I'm Cheap." If he (or she) enjoys "long walks" and "cooking" and "camping," do not be fooled. You are dealing with someone whose idea of a good time involves spending as little money as possible. I don't care how low your salary is, if what you claim to "enjoy" doesn't differ from what you can afford, you've at least got very little imagination (not a good sign either). If you're that financially challenged, you might want to re-think being on that website. It's a dating website. Actual dates should be involved. At least invoked. Click. 

"I'm a Player." Every picture shows a group at a bar, or you can see the hair or fingers of a ladyfriend cropped out of the picture. Or the person is imbibing. Or wearing shades. Or all of the above. If your prospect can't be bothered to post a decent picture, you shouldn't count on that person to pay attention to you. What 'Love Story' Taught Us About Love

"I'm a Narcissist."Again with the pictures. The Narcissist posts the microscopic views. The abs. The torso. The artier the worse. The arch of a foot. An ear lobe. It says, "Look at me! I do. Very closely."

"I'm Lying About My Age." Their screen name ends in a year that would logically make them up to ten years older. They reference music and television shows you only barely know through Nick At Night. Or, and this is my personal fave, they say they look much younger than their age. Look closely at the pic, I bet you'll be able to tell.

"I'm Emotionally Unavailable." Never been married. No kids. Doesn't seem to like pets. Changes jobs all the time. Forget it. This one can't get attached to a plant let alone a living breathing human being. Save yourself now. What *Sign* Are You Wearing? The Truth About First Impressions

And you? What red flags have you learned to spot in online dating profiles? 

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