20 Funniest Joan Rivers Quotes About Love & Sex
By Becky Broderick posted
In celebration of Joan's birthday, we take look back at some of her funniest bits on relationships.
Joan Rivers turns 77 today, so she's certainly been around the block a time or two...hundred. In honor of the comedienne's big day—and the release of her documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (opening June 11)—we thought we'd take a look back at some of her greatest quips on the topics of marriage, sex, love...and even celeb love.
On being single:
- I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: 'Last Girl Before Freeway.'
- A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married—you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married—he's a catch.
- A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.
- I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
On marriage:
- Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.
- When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time.
On gay marriage:
- Gay marriage—I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
On love:
- My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
- Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!
On sex:
- I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
- I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Photo via Diane Cohen/Fame Pictures.
