What My First Time Taught Me About Sex

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smiling girl thinking in bed
What did you learn the first time you had sex?

It is an indisputable fact that I'm a perfectionist. I obsess over the most minute and tangential details. I ruminate on the inane. I become so preoccupied with the particulars that I lose sight of the big picture. Whoever coined the phrase, "You can't see the forest for the trees" was definitely referring to someone like me.

My first time having sex, however, caught me more than a little off guard. Despite my best laid plans—plans that involved losing my virginity in a suite at the Ritz to someone of Jared Leto caliber—it happened spontaneously, and I had no control over the details. When my crush whipped out the condom he'd been trying to use on me for the last six months, I surprised both of us when, this time, I didn't say no. Lose Your Virginity Kit

The imperfections quickly became apparent as I began my characteristic, stream-of-consciousness obsessing. This hurts. Is it too late to enter a convent? Can Jews enter convents? I'm going to need stitches. If I have to get stitches, then my mom is going to find out. If my mom finds out, I am totally going to be grounded. Why is he still wearing that stupid hat? I am going to rip that dumb thing off his head. That's better. Wait‚ what the heck is this music? Is this Cypress Hill? I'm losing my virginity to Cypress Hill?!

Very few times in life have I been blessed with the momentary ability to see past small flaws and appreciate a larger experience. Fortunately for me, probably due to the sheer magnitude of the event, losing my virginity was one of those rare moments.

You've waited years to do this, the voice in my head said.

This is supposed to be fun. Stop over-thinking it, the voice continued.

Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco? Oh, wait. That wasn't the voice in my head. That was Cypress Hill rapper B-Real.

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