8 Habits That Destroy Marriage
8 habits married couples sometimes adopt could lead to major problems.
We'll say it straight up: There's no good reason in the world to hang onto these habits. They aren't helping.
1. Nagging, nagging, nagging. We know about the squeaky wheel, but complaining loud and long gets you only short-term gains and builds up powerful discontent on your spouse's side.
2. Blaming, criticizing, and name-calling. These tactics belittle the person you promised to love, honor, and cherish; let you play angel to his or her devil; and don't address the responsibility you both share for your marital happiness.
3. Bullying, rudeness, and selfishness. These ugly power plays tell your partner that he or she doesn't count at all in your eyes.
4. Peacekeeping and passive placating. A "whatever you say, Dear" attitude may keep your home quieter but leaves you in the martyr's role. You'll end up angry, defensive, and a drudge. What fun is that?
5. Deploying logic all the time. Life isn't the starship Enterprise; playing the dispassionate Mr. Spock not only cuts you off from your feelings but also subtly tells your spouse that his or her feelings don't count either.
6. Throwing up distractions. You're just having fun, right? Think again. Being hyperactive, fooling around all the time, and refusing to focus—in conversation or in life—often is an attempt to avoid intimacy or difficult issues, which can be horribly frustrating for your mate.
7. Stonewalling. Another stall maneuver, stonewalling stops arguments and constructive discussions cold. Not much can happen when one spouse just won't talk about it.
8. Making unilateral decisions about the big things. Sometimes you have to pick the bathroom paint color on your own. But if you're making major decisions about your money, your time, your kids, and your family life, you're acting without accountability and cutting off the possibility of joint decision-making and deeper intimacy.
By Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D.
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I can relate to this article about stonewalling & namecalling. My husband (has trust issues about me), will bring up a subject prompting some discourse & when I try to ask him about it (usually it is a sensitive area for me) then he starts "Stonewalling". If I persist, then I am every name in the book including "stupid ......bit@#! Then it escalates! I tell him no woman deserves to be called out of her name. Then he says, "Stop acting like one"?
Blowing up is abusive behavior, especially when one is talking to you calmly. It is just as much bullying as if your husband hits you. Verbal abuse is every bit as destructive as physical abuse.
Book Mama continues to male bash. What the hell is he supposed to do when you blow up at him for talking quietly and calmly?
With that being said, I congratulate the author on an excellent article on peacefully resolving conflicts.
Occasionally blowing up, while not advisable is definitely NOT abusive. Everyone blows up from time to time. Even people who talk calmly. And I get what she says about being too logical. I do that from time to time, my husband calls it my "lawyer talk". I get very calm and too rational. The problem with that is that its an attitude that refuses to listen and understand how the other person feels. It's an attitude that undermines your partners emotions and I know when I do that to my husband it makes him really mad too.
I don't think BookMama is male bashing. She's just talking about something that occasionally happens in her marriage. I appreciate her honesty. It happens in my marriage too.
I agree about the nagging. But its a fine line between asking him to do something and nagging and a bad nights sleep can push you over the edge.
I also think not apologizing is a bad habit. It takes two to argue and if you are arguing you both probably screwed up. Say you are sorry and mean it!
