"Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I'm still not sure if I would want to hang out with me."— @JohnCMAyer
10. On masturbation, he plays coy and then goes on at length...
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"I don't like that question, because it seeks to make me sound strange if I say 'Yes, but of course I do.' I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes..."
9. ... pausing to give Tiger Woods Advice...
If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off."
8. before continuing on with the never-ending masturbation rant...
It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself."
7. ... that concludes with his apparent butt hole fetish.
"I am the new generation of masturbator. I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week."
6. On the paparazzi: expresses angst, manages to sexualize it.
I have some presence of psychological damage from the past 36 months. I have not had a woman appear in my dreams sexually without a paparazzi in the dream too. I can't even have a wet dream without having to explain to someone who's grinding on me, 'We can't do this right now, because there's a guy over there taking pictures."
(For context, let's not forget this Twitter update: "Trying to procure as many red lipstick kisses on my face a I can. Trying to gag photogs and make a joke.")
5. Employs reverse psychology to feel better about recent string of romantic rejections.
"Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!"
4. The Vagina/Soul Mate Quotient
"But isn't it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren't we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? …I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a **** about it."
3. The difficulties of finding a girlfriend:
"Do you think it's going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself?
2. Backhanded compliment to Jennifer Aniston
Part I: "I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I've had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is ****ing fantastic, if I said to her, I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well..."
Part II: ...But I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny."
1. And the winner is...
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"All I want to do now is **** the girls I've already****ed, because I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I'd be interested in them, and they're going, But you're John Mayer! So I'm going backwards to move forward. I'm too freaked out to meet anybody else."
Photo via Bauer-Griffin.