A Shy Girl's Guide To Embracing Her Kinky Side

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handcuffs
Even shy girls have a wild side. Explore it.

Admit it: Even if you're the type of girl who often defaults to missionary, you probably have a dark desire to explore your inner perv.

Well, you can. All you need is a tour guide.

 

Enter sexpert Emily Dubberley, a prolific sex writer and author of Friendly Fetish: A Beginner's Guide to Kink.

Dubberley has tested more than 500 sex toys, worked as a lube taster and engaged in any number of depraved activities in the name of study—think sploshing, working as a dominatrix and attending an orgy. Yes, the lady has experience. Here are her tips for discovering a fetish (or rolling with the one that began when you watched Secretary). 

Finding Your Kink
As it turns out, bookworm types are well-equipped for a fetish-finding mission, which, not surprisingly, starts with research. Dubberley suggests that you first find an erotic story that gets you off. Her site, Cliterati, has free stories for every kink.

As you're reading, look for what excites you and analyze why you're turned on. If you like tales of group sex, is it the thought of sex with lots of people or being watched that gets you off? "Start by exploring stuff in fantasy and discover where your limits lie," Dubberley says.

Testing the Waters
Once you've nailed your fantasy, it's time to introduce the topic to a partner you trust. If you fancy ponyplay but are afraid of what he'll think, leave an erotic story on his bedside table and gauge his reaction. If he's disgusted, Dubberley says you can always backtrack and say, "I thought it was a bit odd, too." But if he's on board, recruit him to research the act with you. 

For those interested in bondage, Dubberley recommends enrolling in a beginner's class. After all, tying knots can even be tricky for boy scouts, and there are all sorts of practical precautions used to avoid cutting off circulation and such. "You'll need to know which bits of the body not to put pressure on," Dubberley says. "These are quite good things to know from a safety standpoint."

The Dirty Details
When making fantasy a reality, there are a few key rules: Don't be drunk, high or without a safe word. Your physical and mental health are at stake—fetish acts can bring many underlying issues to the surface—and you don't want that bottle of wine to mask any danger.

Dubberley also advises talking through the entire act beforehand and going easy with equipment. (Those interested in metal handcuffs might opt for spank ties, which boast foam-covered wire that lets you wriggle free.) And don't be distraught if your fantasy doesn't translate. "You're experimenting," Dubberley says. "That does not mean you know what the result is going to be." 

Then again, you might be a changed woman. "It can be fantastically liberating, and it can be a way to work through lots of issues as well," Dubberley says.

"If you've felt like you've been treated badly by men, you might find it empowering to give a bloke a spanking."

Read the rest on Lemondrop.