Sorry, He's Tired Of Having Sex With You
Relationships built on sex don't last.
I've learned a few things about love in my time here on Earth, and one of them is that relationships built on sex usually don't last. First, no matter how cool she is, no matter how good-looking she is and no matter how much you dig her, there is someone out there who is sick of her sh*t. (This probably applies to guys as well.) Second, there is a very good chance that when a guy begins drifting away from a lady, he's just sick of boning her. (Again, it's possible that ladies stray for the same reason, but being a guy, I really can't be sure.) Read: Why Powerful Men Cheat
Shocking, no? But it happens. Oftentimes, a relationship will begin on the concept of mutual attraction, loneliness or general horniness. A couple of kooky kids will decide they really like making sweet lust to each other even though they don't have that much in common. After a while, the sex will go stale and there's only so many times you can say, "Did you read what Thomas Friedman said today about the economy/environment/Middle East peace process?"
The film Speed ends with the Keanu character telling the Sandra Bullock character that a relationship can't survive if it's based on a traumatic moment, so she proposes to make it about sex…and he's replaced by Jason Patric in the sequel. Coincidence? Contract dispute? Or was his character just sick of sexing up her character? Read: The Real Reasons Men Break Up With Women
Many people advocate waiting a bit before hopping into bed with someone. The conventional wisdom is that this prevents disease and makes men stick around longer. My friends Matt & Tamsen suggest holding off 90 days before working on the night moves. While that may seem a bit extreme, even three months of bed-breakingly love-jonesing courtship doesn't guarantee you won't drift apart when the sex goes bland. But it does keep you from adding another notch to your belt from someone who won't work out. Read: The Smoking-Hot Reason To Avoid First-Date Sex
One of my best homeys thinks that the point in a relationship when you're not having it off a dozen times per week or regularly sneaking into public washrooms together is when you really get to know each other. True though that may be, the Lycanthropic lust that drove you together might have been the only glue that bound you. At some point, curiosity and opportunity can overwhelm oxytocin, and someone will stray. And it's not just sex addicts.
I can't ever imagine getting tired of having sex with my hubby, and he seems just as obcessed with me as ever. (We've had sex 3 times in the last 24 hours btw.)
I thought this sentence was right on the money.
"the former nanny isn't as interesting now that she, ironically, is caring for kids that they made together."
I was just having a discussion with the hubby about Tiger Woods, and he said that those women probably did all sorts of naughty things that he wife wouldn't and that's why Tiger cheated. While he might be right, I pointed out that cheating is a huge problem for men because they either don't marry the right woman or lose interest sexually when they have children.
When looking for a wife, they look for someone who's pretty and nice and seems like a good mom. They do not think of "naughty" girls as wife material, but they really do like that naughty sex! The alternative is that they marry a girl who they are very sexually compatible with, but once they have kids they no longer see her in that light. They think that you just can't do certain things with the mother of your children!
I guess what I'm saying is that men cheat because they are unable to see their partners as mothers and sex-goddesses at the same time. Obviously society plays a big part in this. Thank goodness my hubby realizes that moms are as sexy as and in need of good lovin' as much as anyone!
Obviously I don't know what is true in Tiger's case. The fact that there were so many women involved definitely points to some sort of narcisism.
I was just pointing out that there is this idea among some people (including my hubby!) that men cheat because they aren't getting what they want at home. A lot of the reason men aren't getting what they want from their wives has more to do with how they pick out a spouse or how they think of and treat their spouse. When a man isn't satisfied by his wife, it probably has more to do with the his own failings.
I think a lot of people believe that men cheat because they aren't getting what they want at home. I don't buy that, but my reasoning is a little different from yours.
I think that in any long-term relationship there will be times when your partner does not meet your needs. I would include your need for affection and appreciation, not just your need for sex. In a good relationship, this is not something that goes on for years and year or is one-sided, but it will happen sometimes to everyone. You need to be ready to deal with that.
Sometimes the way to deal with not getting your needs \met is to wait until your partner has more time and energy. Sometimes you need to do more to work with them to improve your relationship - that isn't necessarily unpleasant. It could be something as simple as adjusting your schedule so you both go to bed at the same time and get enough sleep.
I do not think, however, that when a man or woman is not being sexually satisfied by their partner it is their own fault. It might be, but I think a lot of the time it about other things that may be nobody's fault.
We don't know why exactly Tiger Woods cheated, but it's not fair to assume it had anything to do with Elin. There are guys who cheat even though their wives give them plenty of sex and are willing to experiment.
To me the fact that Woods had so many mistresses suggests that he could have some kind of problem that makes him cheat. If not, he is amazingly callous about other people's feelings.
Here's an interesting article that may give some insight into Tiger Woods. His behavior does seem different from most cheaters, anyhow.
http://www.momlogic.com/2009/12/serial_cheaters_narcissists_and_sex_addi...
I've always believed that even relationships about sex aren't about sex, they are about fulfilling some need at some moment. And if that need gets filled and there is nothing else, then the relationship falls apart. The trick is finding someone who offers more than just one thing.
I don't think Elin Woods is just a pretty face, I don't think anyone is, but that can be the role they are subjected to by people.
Tiger doesn't make sense and in a way this reminds me of Charles Lindberg a famous american hero, an icon really, but who has a real deep dark side. Charles Lindberg had a second family and some of his associations were less than admirable. But I think we should all be careful in castigating Tiger. He is a person, plain and simple. We all have our dark sides.
It's just that America seems to demand perfection of everyone but themselves.
agreed, Lyz. in fact good story on monogamy at hufpo
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jay-michaelson/monogamous-marriage-is-an_b...
re lindbergh, make that multiple families!!
I didn't really like the huffpo article. I don't think the ideal of monogamous marriage is an aberration at all. For one thing, women have always been expected to be faithful to their husbands. The idea that men should be faithful to their wives has been around for at least a few thousand years when Paul said you should marry to avoid sin.
In any case, the alternative to mutual monogamy has almost always been bad for women. Most women were supposed to be chaste until marriage and then monogamous, so if men were cheating, there had to be a class of women outside the system. Life wasn't so great for them. The women being cheated on risked losing resources to the other woman and her kids. Powerful men got to do what they wanted, even though the women might be left with a baby they couldn't care for.
Most people don't ever cheat on their spouse. At any given time, only a very small percentage of people are cheating. On the other hand, most of us have lied at some point in our lives, and not just polite lies. We still believe that we should be honest. We don't say that honesty is unnatural.
For my money, Lindbergh's suspected Nazi sympathies were a bit of a darker corner than a second family in Germany. Though I can only imagine if it was discovered that a modern celebrity had a second family floating around somewhere.
Frankly, I'm not trying to judge anyone. In fact, I think we should declare a moratorium on being shocked when a celebrity, even if he seems like a dork, is creeping on his wife and family. Let's save our appalled reactions for celebrities with spectacularly weird predilections or second families in Butte, Montana.
I don't know. A lot of people had Nazi sympathies at the time and let's not talk about the people who had Stalin sympathies. I think the difference between the ideal and the reality wasn't evident to those people who sympathized with both regimes and they refused to see the truth, because they wanted to believe in the ideal. But a second family?
Really?
You're right. We need to lay off people. People are people. They are human. They screw up. And we all act shocked and horrified and then go back to our own imperfect lives. No one of us could stand the scrutiny that Tiger is facing. We'd all fail.
I don't think you could have had Nazi sympathies without being racist. So to me it's more than just not seeing the reality of what they were doing. Of course, he wasn't the only racist in America at that time, but that doesn't make me like him.
Ha! I love how we went from Tiger Woods to American Nazi sympathizers. Great conversation. I guess what I meant was the racism wasn't as apparent during the time as it was in hindsight, both with Stalin and with Hitler and historical hindsight is always clear. So is morality, when it isn't you you are talking about.
People are people. No one is perfect. And in America we tend to throw our heroes out with the bathwater. One glimmer of imperfection and we tear them apart like hungry vampires. Either that or we live in denial. We venerate Gandhi, but he was a notorious sexist. I don't say that to bismirch him, really, its just that we are all limited by history, pathology, selfishness and our own failings. But that shouldn't be our legacy. Like our president said, "know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy." Let's hope that in the end, all of our legacies are judged on what we built.
It usually takes me about a month to get to this stage. However, of late I've decided it's better to wait a bit - as you suggested here. This has more to do with them not seeing my small nipples than any desire NOT to build a relationship around sex, mind.
Anyway, loving your work. Check out my dating efforts if you get a minute: http://www.plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com
Sometimes can't it just be because of the genetic differences between men and women, we all certainly know they view these things from totally different perspectives. Men, right or wrong think sometimes with that other head, and it has no conscience. It just needs what it needs, and that is fed, or attention. Beyond that look at how much time he must spend away from home. That equates to being lonely, needing sex & that is where men different form most women, men NEED sex. It is the wiring women have sex to fulfill their companionship and to have children. Men on the other hand have a drive to have sex and relieve tensions. This builds up until the need t do something anything about it. When Tiger, or any man goes home he still has this need. Families take his wife away from him, and lesson the wife's desires because she usually has her hands full of children and household chores, thoughts, etc. Men, can turn these things off in a heartbeat, women never forget them and bring them to bed. That is why women notice the ceiling needs painted, or the house is dusty, she cannot let go of those things, and men just want full uninterrupted passionate sex. When schedules, that vary greatly, and normal life stops sex for days or weeks on end the male has a need to get the job done. He gets tired of madam palm and her five virgin sisters every day! Even Playboy, or sex videos do not relieve the need to be close to someone. Not saying it is right or wrong, but there are major differences between men and women. Not that he ever intended to cheat or stray, or what ever you want to call it, it does happen. Yes, I have seen it in many women, many women married ones. Some can hide the facts and decide not to admit it is there, but as many married women have sex outside of their marriages as men do. Is it because he hasn't been there, or paid enough attention to his wife, or her needs and desires are not met when she has time because he is at work? Who knows, but it is a fact. Tiger has been away from home for weeks or even a month or two at a time, he needs companionship like any person. People find ways to meet their needs, and they are needs one way or another. Wouldn't it be a shocker if Tiger's wife had a fling with the pool guy? Could happen too, maybe it did? I am not trying to turn this around, but sex is a basic human and animal need. That's all there is to it.
Sorry, Tedebare, but you are just full of crap.
First of all, I, a woman NEED sex. I need it. As much as any man. I need it to relieve tensions. I need it for companionship and intimacy.
Secondly, if a man's wife can't stop thinking that the house needs dusting when they are having sex, then the man seriously needs to step it up. There is absolutely NO WAY I could be thinking about those things while having sex with my husband. It's impossible when you are having a mind-blowing orgasm to think about how the ceiling needs painted.
Third, take a look at my other comment below! It is such a stereotype that women lose interest in sex because they have other things to do. Maybe some wives are so uptight because their husbands don't treat them like they want and deserve! Most men need to do a better job of making their wives feel desired and sexy, and then those women would start wanting a lot more sex.
If you treat your wife like a mom, yeah, she's going keep thinking about how the laundry really needs to get done. Treat her like your sexy lover, and she'll forget all about it.
I think I have to defend Tedebare for a minute here. Wives wanting less sex after they have babies is a very real phenomenon. It has nothing to do with the guys being bad. It is not because the guy suddenly forgets how to make love. Nor does it mean he stopped thinking of his wife as sexual, although sometimes that happens.
Not wanting sex after babies is caused by a bunch of things. New moms are tired. Giving birth is exhausting and then you have to get up every few hours to take care of the baby. It is hard to get across what it is like to live that way. Breastfeeding takes as much energy as going out running. There are hormonal changes, too. It may take a few months or more for a woman to feel horny again, especially if she is breastfeeding. Babies and small children need to be held a lot and being touched all the time may make a mother just want to be by herself with no one touching her.
On top of that, even when you both are in the mood at the same time, you may not have time for sex. Babies and children and work are very time consuming. You may only have time for quick sex, and sometimes you may not have time for that.
Does that mean men need to go to another women for sex? NO!!!! We're human beings, we evolved the ability to use our intelligence and empathy to make moral decisions. Husbands need to have some understanding of what their wives are going though and be patient.
There are things a couple can do, though. They can take the time to date each other. They can move the baby out of the bedroom once it doesn't need to eat all the time. They can cuddle and touch and be intimate. They can try to go to bed at the same time. They can help each other with child care and housework or listen to each other's problems. They can try to help each other get enough rest. They can massage each other. They can make older children go to bed. They can try to make themselves happier so they'll be in the mood - things like exercising or relaxing or taking a bath.
Husbands should also try to be careful not to pressure the wife. If she starts to feel resentful, she may get into the idea that she's not in the mood and make the cycle worse. On the other hand, you can't assume a new mother won't be in the mood. Some are and they get frustrated if their husband isn't anymore.
I think there is a tendency to exaggerate the differences between men and women and use them as an excuse for men behaving badly.
I remember reading something once that said most couples had roughly equal sex drives. Of the couples where one person has a higher sex drive, it is more common for the high sex drive person to be male. There are, however, couples where the person with a higher sex drive is female.
People seem to use biology and evolution to justify what we believe as a culture. One of the interesting things biologists have been saying is that females cheat and males often raise some offspring that aren't there own. Why? The theory is that having babies with different genes increases the female's chance of having at least one of her kids survive. I suspect that it also makes sense that some females are going to have mates who aren't the fittest, most fertile ones. So they have a better chance of getting pregnant and raising healthy children if they cheat with males who are more fit.
From a biological point of view, what makes sense if for women to want to have sex. More sex, more chances of getting pregnant. Cuddling isn't going to do it. Just having men want it isn't enough.
I have sympathy for anyone who is away from their spouse a lot for their job. I am sure that makes it much harder to be faithful. I once read a Mormon guy who advised men to take their wives with them on business travel to avoid temptation! I think Tiger's behavior goes way beyond that, though. He actively sought out mistresses. He maintained some kind of relationship with more than one of them. Something was really wrong there.
Why don't women cheat as much as men? For most of history, very few women have had the power to act like a Tiger Woods without being killed or expelled from society. Even now, most women would lose a lot financially and socially if they misbehaved that badly.
I don't think it would be a good thing if women started acting badly. Maybe we should try to figure out what keeps women faithful and try to expand it.
If my memory serves correct, I think the saying goes, "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of being with her"
I agree that many affairs (and I might have read it somewhere) actually are more about self-esteem and compatibility than physical attraction. Yet, sex drive could actually be a compatible trait. Just saying.
