I'm Always The First To Say "I Love You"
Guys, it appears, tend to say "I love you" first.
Our homeys at Asylum recently referenced a study revealing it takes the average guy seven months to say the three magic words: "Let's eat acid." Kidding, it's "I love you," of course, and the average woman takes eight months to say the same phrase.
This news karate-chops stereotypes about a certain gender getting weak in the knees regarding certain feelings. In theory, both partners could say it at the same time, but in real life someone has to take off his/her proverbial clothes first… and that person is almost always me. Poll: When Do You Say I Love You?
Maybe I have screw loose or I heed too seriously the advice to "love like you've never been hurt," because when I fall, I do it fast and hard—and it doesn't take me seven months to turn those feelings into words. My timetable is fairly truncated. So truncated, in fact, that I'm afraid that if I put it in writing some other guys will show up and tell me to clean out my locker and turn in my testes.
Our friends at The Frisky may miss the point a little bit. They have an article advising ladies to never say "I love you" first—it's 100 percent worth reading, but I think it's wrongheaded. When you say, "I love you," you shouldn't say it just to hear it back. The only reason to say it is because that's how you feel. Sure, some people say it because it might lead to sex, they've consumed some liquor or they're reacting to chemicals released during sex (hola, oxytocin) but none of those really count. If you feel it, say it. The only reason to wait is for safety's sake—it's a good idea to make sure the other person doesn't pepper spray you or take a header out of a third story window by send 143 (the former pager code for "I love you") vibes on a first date.
Gender stereotypes are generally based in reality, but we accept and reenact things like "men are afraid of commitment" and "women have to be convinced to have sex" because they are comfortable and relatable tropes. But success in anything interpersonal means separating a new person from the rest of the people you've known before and exiting your comfort zone, you know? I know it sounds awfully pie-in-the-sky, but stealing second base is borderline impossible with your foot on first (if you'd like more inspirational platitudes, please talk to Dr. Phillip McGraw). Chances are he or she is not "the one" if a relatively early "I love you" sends him/her for the hills. You have to take a few risks here and there.
I don't know much, but I do know that saying it is as important as hearing it, and you're doing yourself a disservice always, in every situation, waiting to say it second.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
Discussion
I wait to say it till after the guy because I want to make sure he loves me too. I dont want to tell a guy I love him if he doesnt feel the same way at the same time I do. I think guys take longer to fall in love than women, or to at least show they are in love.
I would honestly much rather hear "let's eat acid" than "I love you" from a guy right now.
I have to agree with several of these statements but I am still not sure where I am at with my firend. I have know this person for about 7 months on a professional basis and as telephone
friends. We have never "gone out". I has a girlfirend but I don't think it is serious. I get the feeling that she is just filling a place in his life and he needs to work out some things before he moves on. I don't feel like he is "in love" with her. I wrote him a letter telling him we had the potential to have an intimate intellectual relationship like Scully and Mulder and that letter he commented on and really liked. Since then we have talked so much on the phone, late at night and had very initmate "intellectual conversations". He has had me listen to songs on U-Tube - some of which are obvious love songs - but I don't know what to make of it. I sent him another letter telling him he was one of my best freinds and that I liked him /loved him as much as I loved... blah blah blah , but I held back saying things like "I am so totally in love with you" or anything too mushy - like that. I feel like he actually pulled back a little after that letter, so now I ma trying to be very careful not to say anything he might interpret as me trying to get him to commit to anything more than a friendship. It would be worse for me to lose him as a friend than to not have it blossom into something more..
I have tried to extricate myself from what I would like to hear and my fantasy and look at things from a logical and real perspective. I truthfully think that deep down inside he does really like me but there are too many things going on in both of our lives. I am not finished with my divorce for one thing and since he knows my husband, he probably considers it "verboten" to go there. And then there is the girlfriend which rarely comes up in conversation. Like he if really wanted to make it know that he was taken and in a relationship it would seem to me she would come up a lot more in conversation. He talks about his ex-wife and his kids and their problems but rarely ever mentions his girlfriend --except when he has to do something for her. He has never even said her name. So what is love anyway? I think you really have to have some sort of friendship before you can really say you love someone, otherwise it is just lust. There are too many people out there who will pay scads of attention to you and get you hooked and make you feel like they love you more than anyone else in the world, but then once you are hooked and you feel like you love them too, they become total jerks and then you feel like you have all this time invested and you have to stay with them and see if things work out. I think that the longer the relationship takes to establish itself, the beter chance it has of being successful. So I am not looking for my friend to say "I love you". I truly feel that he loves me as a friend, if nothing else and even though I need more than that, I will take that for now.
Even though truthfully, I cannot just wait around to see what he is going to do. I think that is what makes it hard for some people - its the not knowing because you want to hear those words and some people just cannot say them for whatever reason.
I think you need to get away from this guy before you get hurt. He's got a girlfriend. He hasn't said anything to show that he wants you to be his girlfriend. If he does get involved with you, you'll be the other woman.
You need to spend less time with him so that you have time to meet other guys.
Tom, either you get to keep hold of your sack and leave all those pictures posted in your locker, or I'll be right next to you cleaning mine out at the same time. I really like that phrase "truncated timeline." I'm in the same boat and have said the big 3 first in most of my relationships. Like you, I've come to understand and feel that the saying of it is really about expressing how you feel versus wanting to hear it returned. There is real strength in allowing yourself to be that vulnerable with someone, but to also be confident in who you are and in expressing how you feel towards that person.
On the rare occasion that I wasn't first to say it and wasn't there yet...well...its hard to get that person to understand that just because we aren't there yet doesn't mean the relationship is over, that I have no interest in them and never will, and any of the other insecurities that pop up when she doesn't here my parrot imitation. I do accept that love freely, in the spirit it was given, just as I have given it in the past. If a woman can accept that, understand that, and not feel the heebie-jeebies because she isn't there yet but still wants the relationship to continue then she just got some major bonus points!
I applaud you Tom, and the big brass cajones that you got for what it takes to say it first!
as a guy, this tells you when you should be doing what: http://www.scribd.com/doc/21733512/Principles-101
I have been with my man for almost a year and we JUST said our I love you's a few weeks ago. I blurted it out first because I have been feeling this way for a long time. I have no regrets and I feel that a weight has been lifted. : )
I felt love for my honey from the first week of meeting him but I refused to say it first. Funny enough, the first time he didn't even say "I love you". He said "you don't love me the way that I love you." It was so funny cuz I nevr expected to hear that. It became easier for him after that.
My Man said it first to me, but quite a few months before he told me I thought real long and hard about telling him first till he said it would scare him away so I opted NOT to tell him. I even tried not to be in love with him anymore but it didn't work I just fell deeper for him as time went on. I am just glad in the long run he loved me too.
I'm not surprised by this at all. Typically a woman will feel like she is in love with a man but will wait for him to say it first. I see it all the time. Most women are afraid that if they say it, the man won't say those 3 special words back to her and she doesn't want to lose the guy. Does it sound like insecurity? Yes. But between the 6th and 9th month of a relationship, it usually moves forward, or fizzles out. Saying "I love you" more often than not means, "Do you love me too?"
@JulieSpira
My guy said it first and only a few weeks into our relationship. Granted, I felt the same way, but it just seemed to soon to put it out there. Over a year later, we're still going strong and I love him more all the time.
I can relate, I knew in the first week also, and if it weren't for the lemon drops we did that night, I would not have said it....but I did, and I didn't need to hear it back, it was well received !! I didn't plan on saying it, or even feeling it...but in the heat of the moment...there it was, and out of my mouth it came " ...I thought to myself....." you did not just say that ?? " lol.. too funny, I thought I was crazy to feel so much for someone so soon, but it's only been a month, and I haven't been this happy since I was 12 yrs old...and I have had some bad relationships in the past, but this man was sent from heaven !!
