Write these down.
For all of us out there who dote on love, whether we've found it or are still waiting for it to rear its head, there are many things we have yet to learn. Truth is, we probably haven't learned them yet. But here is what everyone should know about love by the time they're 35. You'll be glad you did.
1. No answer IS the answer.
If you call/email/text someone and leave a message asking them out and they don't reply, they're not interested. That lack of a response is their response. They're avoiding possible hurt feelings and drama. Trying to force them to respond to you or making up an excuse for contacting them again makes you look obsessive and desperate.
2. There's no such thing as closure.
Stewing over a breakup or unceremonious dumping? Find a way to let it go that doesn't require contact from the guilty party. Once someone is done, they're done. If you feel compelled to tell them off or speak your mind, send it in an email.
But know this: They're not going to respond to you. Nothing you can say will change their mind. If they think you have anger issues or just aren't their type, they aren't going to feel inclined to give you a second chance. It's done. Move on.
3. Monogamy and exclusivity should never be assumed.
Until a man tells you himself verbally that he's no longer going to sleep with someone else, assume that he is. And learn the difference between, "I'm not sleeping with anyone else" and "I don't plan on sleeping with anyone else." The former means, at that specific point in time he's not sleeping with anyone else, but he could. The latter means "I've considered it and I don't have any intentions of sleeping with anyone else but you."
4. If they disinterested, they are.
By 35, you shouldn't be trying to decipher why someone you met online refuses to get on the phone and only text messages you, or why it takes them one to three days to respond to an email. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's a duck.
5. Men have more options, so deal with it.
That means you can't get away with being bitchy, rude, cold, demanding or otherwise difficult. They'll dump your ass in a heartbeat for someone younger because they can and because younger women bring less baggage to the relationship. Guys will date women their age up until about 35 or so. That's when they instinctively seek out younger mates.
6. But men also need to clean themselves up.
Women spend a lot of money and time on creams, waxes, working out and makeup. So put down the beer and iron your shirt for once. That slacker look was kind of passable at 32. By 35, even if you refuse to sell out, you need to clean up your act and stop walking around looking like you just rolled out of bed or haven't seen a barber in years. It's not cute anymore.
7. Relationships and commitment are two different things.
Just because you initiated the "where is this going" talk and he didn't immediately commit to you doesn't mean he won't or fears commitment. It means he doesn't want to commit right at that moment, and certainly not after being coerced. T
here's a big difference between a guy saying he doesn't want a relationship and saying he's not ready for a commitment. Men are never truly ready for a commitment. They usually find themselves committing to a woman unbeknownst to them. For guys, it has to happen organically.
If you do have "the talk" with him and he does express hesitation to commit, the best way to get him to commit is to drop the subject and keep on going the way you've been going. By not pressuring him or getting upset, you're actually showing him that you trust that he's not some selfish guy out to use you.
8. Trust your intuition.
If someone only calls you during the day or only gives a work number or can only seem to make plans last minute, something is up. After 20 or so years of dating, your brain knows how to detect deception in many of its forms. If someone is keeping something from you, unless they're a complete sociopath, their own anxiety about being caught will come through in their behavior. You'll know it, too.
9. You're not single by choice.
I hate this excuse. Sure, we'll take a sabbatical from dating every once in awhile. But if you truly enjoy being single, and are dating regularly, you're not OK with being single. Stop lying to yourself; by doing so, you're attracting people who are equally confused and afraid.
Stop with the excuses about refusing to conform to societal norms. Your career and ambition has nothing to do with why, at 35, you're still single. Stop using it as a shield to hide behind.
10. There is such thing a dating caste system.
We were told from a very early age that people should love us for who we are on the inside. Adorable, and totally, utterly pointless after the age of 16. The hot people date the hot people, the average people date the average people. Determine your league and you'll avoid a lot of frustration and heartache.
How do you determine your league? Well, if you date online, take the responses that you get to your profile (not responses to emails you send out) then go up about two notches. If you're overweight or just haven't taken care of yourself or don't have a sense of style, you're not getting those cuties you keep crushing on.
11. Just because they ask you out doesn't mean they're interested.
Sadly, people will accept or make a date with no intention of ever pursuing anything. Maybe they want a free meal, maybe they want to get laid. Who knows. As many men attest, even if a guy isn't all that attracted to a woman, he still might act that way just to get his ROI (return on investment).
Since boys say that with such aplomb, let me say this: Sometimes we want the same thing. Which is why we might get you to buy us dinner and drinks without ever planning on seeing you again. Works both ways. Don't like us using or misleading you? Don't do it to us.
12. If you're still single, you probably have issues or are too picky.
There are a lot of excuses we use to justify our single status and most of them are bunk. Issues abound in those over 35 and single include anger issues, entitlement issues, fears of commitment, emotional issues. Whatever the reason, you are where you are because you chose to be there.
Determine what those choices were and why you made them, and get your life back. People use the "I'm not going to settle now" excuse out of fear, or because they have this really distorted sense of what they bring to the table. Ask your closest friends if they think you're too picky and see what they say. They'll tell you as long as they truly believe you want to hear the truth.