Is Cheating An Addiction?
Or is calling infidelity an addiction letting cheaters off the hook?
After Governor Mark Sanford abandoned his state and his family to be with his mistress in Argentina, people applauded his long-suffering wife Jenny for kicking his lying butt to the curb. Yet even as she denounced his affair, she gave him a big gift … she called his cheating "an addiction." These days, people love characterizing everything as an addiction, from the frivolous to the frightening. In pop culture parlance, you can be a rage-aholic, a shop-aholic, and a choc-aholic. Addictions are serious things, but is cheating seriously an addiction?
Addicted to … Everything
Addiction is the inability to discontinue reckless or harmful behavior. Addicts can't stop themselves from self-destructing, whatever their choice of poison may be. We don't fully understand addiction yet, but we do know that there are genetic components, as well as social factors, that can contribute to addiction. When people think about addictions, the most common ones are usually drugs and alcohol. We know that physical addictions to alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes can literally change a person's brain chemistry, shutting down certain areas of functioning. Physical addictions also alter nerve pathways to the brain's pleasure centers, causing horrible withdrawal symptoms if people try to quit. Inside The Mind Of A Sex Addict
Even though people also claim addictions to the internet, junk food, and sex, the American Psychiatric Association's chief reference guide, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), does not officially recognize these as legitimate mental conditions. Mental health experts realize that many people struggle with these issues, so they classify them as impulse control disorders, a category that also contains pyromania (fire starting), kleptomania (compulsive stealing), pathological gambling, and shopping. Impulse control disorders are considered to be part of the spectrum of obsessive-compulsive disorders, and they are marked by sufferers seeking a short-term gain, even at the expense of a long-term loss. For example, pathological gamblers and compulsive shoppers are psychologically attached to the endorphin rush of rolling the dice or making a big purchase, and even though they know that their actions have negative consequences, they can't help themselves.
Discussion
I have wound up counseling many people who cheat, as a member of the clergy.
Some people cheat due to a fixable reason; this can be prevented by keeping the lines of communication open in a marriage and working to fix issues as they come up.
Some people cheat because they like the thrill of crossing the line. These people also push limits and break laws for the thrill of it in other ways.
I do not consider jointly agreed upon non-monogamy as cheating, incidentally. In cases where sexual drives or fetishes are widely different, it can provide a pressure valve to deal with the stress and keep the primary relationship together. I do, however, always counsel people that there is always work to be done to keep everything running smoothly, and everyone involved has to do their own share.
Yup. Justifies nothing... however ziti made some really good points. Things I'd never considered in depth, because as far as I know I haven't been cheated on (I'm 22, haven't experienced all there is to experience relationship-wise) I've never confirmed that I've been cheated on, but there are two times I'm suspicious of in my past. Still never confirmed.
i believe that cheating is a symptom of other issues, not an addiction. Some people cheat because it can give them a false sense of control when they feel life is out of control, for others it gives them a place to escape reality when they feel they can't cope with it, and for others it is a way to deal with insecurities about themselves. For example, women who have husbands in careers that keep them away from home for long periods of time and feel insecure about themselves might cheat. Men who are feeling unable to provide for their families might escape through cheating and so on. So, NO, I don't believe it to be an addiction.
I believe it is possible that some people have addictions to sex, but I think it is overused as an excuse. Sanford seems like a particularly unlikely candidate for an addiction.
I think the reason sex addiction sounds so strange is that unlike gambling or alcohol, almost everyone craves sex. Most people control themselves most of the time.
I have to agree with the comments cheating is more about impuse control at least it seems so to me. My husband was abused as a child sexually and he did use the thrill of cheating to punish himself and to ease anxiety but it was still an impulse he could deny if he chose to.
Addiction is a way of lieing to yourself and to other. Who can control your mind better than yourself.
One cheat because one want to. cheating is not an addiction.
I agree with the premise that serial cheating is obsessive behavior rather than an addiction for some people. IMO it is usually psychological and emotional in origin rather than physical.
I know two men who have been married and divorced three times; one recently married again for the fourth time. The scenario guys is always the same: He's married with kids. He get restless about 6-7 years in and start looking around. He falls madly in love with a new woman and overwhelms her with attention while neglecting his wife and children. His wife finds out about the affair and dumps him when he refuses to end it; he marries the OW within weeks or months of the divorce. He's blissfully happy until he gets bored -- and the cycle begins anew.
What do these men have in common? Four things. One is childhood sexual abuse. One guy was used by a teenaged babysitter; the other had sex as a teen with his younger sister. They are attracted to women who also have been victimized and/or need rescuing. The second thing is alcohol abuse. Both are binge drinkers who are sober during the week but spend weekends in a drunken haze. The third commonality is that they are incredibly charming, handsome and well-educated people -- so many serial cheaters are -- but they are oblivious to the damage they do and the wreckage they leave behind. The fourth thing is that each has refused to get any counseling. My guess is that they are afraid to face their past history and present behavior, or be thought less than perfectly in control.
Thus, these two men are clueless as to why their lives are a mess, why they trust no one and cannot form lasting relationships with either sex in any age group. What a tragedy for them and anyone who gets involved with them.
The point I'm making is that there is no one thing that will stand out as the root cause of a person's serial cheating. IMO there are many different reasons for that behavior that get packed into a bag full of lies and deceit. Every cheater's bag is different, but basically it is psychological. IMO it takes more than one professional to help him unpack that bag and fill it with the things they need to build a healthy new life.
I can see how one can be addicted to cheating. I think people with addiction problems can get addicted to anything. I've seen it with my BIL. But I think its rare and there are underlying factors and addictions and issues and of course, it justifies nothing.
