Mom's Narcissism Could Be Ruining Your Love Life
Why your mother's narcissism could be ruining your chances for a healthy love life.
I was raised in a household that revolved around my mother. She was a narcissist, someone who, according to Wendy Behary, director of the Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed is "often self-absorbed and preoccupied with a need to achieve the perfect image (recognition, status, or being envied) and have little or no capacity for listening, caring, or understanding the needs of others." My mom hasn't been formally diagnosed—few narcissists seek treatment or even recognize that they have a problem—but growing up, the signs were all around me.
For women, narcissism is often expressed through the status of their children and their "success" as a parent (think Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment, and all those hovering pageant moms). Narcissism ranges from a personality trait, like extroversion or self-esteem, to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Narcissists, says Keith Campbell, Ph.D., author of The Narcissism Epidemic, have levels of self-absorption, entitlement, distrust, perfection, grandiosity and emotional detachment that affect their functioning and last an extended period of time. Even as a child, I sensed that my mother's behavior was inappropriate. I remember cringing when she'd put a hand on my shoulder and announced to friends that the reason she had kids was so she could have grandchildren.
I knew my mother was pretty far along on the narcissism spectrum, but I wasn't sure that I'd been all that damaged as a result. Until, that is, I reached page 118 of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. There it was, all laid out in front of me: the exact retelling of how my last relationship devolved and fell apart. According to McBride, when times get tough, the daughter of a narcissistic mother may get codependent and "end up stifling [her boyfriend or husband] with her overwhelming demands, jealousy, and insecurities. She will want him to be with her at all times and expect him to meet all her needs, particularly her emotional needs…[When he can't] she will feel the same disappointment and emptiness she did as a child and blame her spouse." As I continued to read, humbled, I thought: the good news is that I can get better; the bad news is that I'm not the only one who comes from a narcissistic parent and heads ill-equipped into love and dating.
Discussion
Oddly, I have similar problems with relationships (the feelings of inadequacy, the fear of never being loved for oneself, the increasing jealousy and stifling dependence when anything goes remotely wrong), but my family was a very loving and supportive one. I have wondered if my mother's death when I was eleven contributed to this, causing me now to have an unusually great fear and even expectation of losing people I love. Nevertheless, my parents' love has left me a good foundation to build on as I work on these issues, and I know how lucky I've been to have that.
My mother was a classic narcissist, and believe me, it's leaves a mark !
She is dead now, so there is "closure" for me. I tried all the helpful hints; explain why what she says hurts... never worked. She could turn it around make it all my fault that she was hateful and mean to me. She never apologized because she never believed she did anything wrong. Her comment was always "kids don't come with an instruction book"... which is same as saying that her mistakes were our fault. I have 3 siblings and we're all damaged, in varying degrees and different ways. She was a master of manipulation and used it to her full advantage. I used to tell myself that she didn't say or do those things intentionally, but I don't do it anymore. She was abusive and there is no excuse for it.
I'm in therapy now trying to sort it all out and make some sense of my life. It's hard to re-program someone who has believed for 48 years that they are worthless and have no value.
But I'm working on it everyday.
Oh boy RowdyGirl.... I can relate to every single word you typed out. My mother is the same. I finally had to e-mail (yes e-mail) her a letter to tell her to leave me alone. I had come to the conclusion that she was too toxic to have in my life.
Of course, I got the response that she was going to send me the same letter (it was HER idea) and that "our paths will never cross again" and that I "needed to let go of any hope of ever having any sort of relationship" with her. In a way, reading that gave me great relief, but it also left behind a wake of crap that I have been trying to sift through. I too am in therapy and just turned 36. I have had 36 years of trying to live up to someone expectations that were too far out and completely unreachable.
I was always introduced as "the kid who kept her father in the states" (my father was a Norwegian pilot, she got prego with me to get him to stay in the states). That always sucked. One of my aunts even has letters from my mother when I was 1-2yrs old explaining to my aunt that I was "just a little b**ch who ruined her modeling career". I grew up in a house, not with family portraits, but with pictures and 8x10s of my mother smothering the walls. UGH.
I too am working on it everyday. Good luck sweetie, I KNOW how hard it is.
My brother has somehow blocked out everything. He remembers some of the times, but not all of them. As he has become older, and married now, he does see what and how she has always been and will always be. It saddens him quite considerably. I am going to e-mail the link to this atricle to him, and his wife too. Like I said in my first post, it's almost like this article was written just for me.
I even e-mailed the link to my BF. He now understands (as do I) of how my thinking is sometimes, why I am always trying to please him with even the most mundane things and get really down on myself if it's not perfect. Stuff like, if I forget to polish out the sink after doing dishes, or if I forgot to dust the basebourds after mopping the house, or if I forget to dust off the top of the fridge or stove hood. If I make the bed and his side happens to have maybe an inch or two more of sheet than mine because I was in a hurry, I get really down on myself.
