A Husband, Three Kids And Two Boyfriends
Meet Robyn: a polyamorist, suburbanite and mother. Could she be your next-door neighbor?
What would you do if you found out that the mom you shared carpool duties with was a dominatrix at night? Or what if that cute couple next door wasn't really a couple—but a threesome or a foursome? How would you react?
Well, you better get used to it, because all across America, in sleepy suburbs just like yours, moms are hiding secrets. In Part 3 of momlogic's "Secrets in the Suburbs" series, we pierce the veil of secrecy surrounding the mysterious and often secret world of polyamory. In Relationships, Does "Normal" Exist?
Meet Robyn. She's a 44-year-old mom of three and a polyamorist who's currently involved in loving, intimate relationships with three men. And she's open to more, time permitting.
ML: What is polyamory?
Robyn: Polyamory is a romantic relationship with more than one person. It is usually a committed relationship, but polyamory can come in all forms. One form is called polyfidelity, it means that there is a committed relationship between the people, and they are sexually faithful with each other. There can be three people in the relationship or more.
What kind of a polyamorist are you?
I am a more open polyamorist. I have a primary partner, Jesus, and we live together with my three kids. He has another partner in Michigan, and I have two other partners who I am in long distance relationships with. One is in New York, and the other one is really long distance—he's in another country. But I'm not tied down to those three people. I always try to remain open. Right now my life is very busy, but that doesn't mean that if I met someone who I was intrigued by that I wouldn't make time for him. 7 Tips for Beginning an Open Relationship
Do you have sex with his other partner as well?
No. I know her and I like her, but I am not sexually involved with her. And Jesus is not sexually involved with my lovers right now. But they do know each other.
How long have you been with Jesus and your other lovers?
I met Jesus in 2005 and have only been with him for three years, but he is my primary partner who I live with. I met one of my lovers in 2003 so I have been with him for five years. He also has a primary partner, and he has several other lovers—he's a very busy guy.
How long have you been polyamorous?
I have always been non-monogamous, and when I was 24 years old I came to terms with myself and realized that I would always be that way. I realized that I would never be monogamous, and I was sick of trying to be. I was sick of falling in love with two people and having to choose between them. I didn't want to lie, and I didn't want to cheat, and I knew that if I kept trying to be monogamous that's what I would end up doing. At the time it was a difficult decision. There were no support groups for this sort of thing back then. I didn't know about polyamory—the term might not have even existed back then. I felt very alone, and it was very challenging. But I knew I had to be true to who I was. Portrait Of An Open Marriage
Discussion
I'm open-minded about other lifestyles (at least I think I am) and if everyone in the relationship is OK with sharing like this, then do your thing. As long as no one is getting hurt! If your lover is suffering emotionally because of your actions, then the sharing needs to stop. I'm just speaking hypothetically, not directing that at anyone mentioned in this article.
So, like I said, I'm open minded. Straight, gay, swinging, triad, whatever... do what seems right if all parties accept the situation. Here's what I don't understand: I've been in a monogamous relationship for 12 years, and one of the most rewarding things about it is being able to give all my love to that one person. Letting your partner know she/he is THE single most special person in the world is very gratifying. Sure, I encounter lots of attractive women and my Id (if you believe in such a thing) whispers in my ear "You want that, don't you?" But when it comes down to it, that's just the desire for conquest talking. I could never experience the love and trust I get from my wife by bringing other women home or keeping girlfriends in other cities.
Not judging, just giving the monogamist (is that a word?) perspective.
Absolutely correct! Giving all your love and attention to one person can be so very rewarding. You have one very lucky, special lady Agent Orange! I, too lived and loved that way for many years though to be honest I wasn't very good at it, I tried to be and I still love my husband as much if not more than I did then.
For us monogamy just wasn't quite a proper fit...we tried, we got counselling, we did all the things suggested by well meaning sites and people who really are rooting for married couples to work out their problems and remain in love. Love and committment were never our problem, we loved being together and we loved being married...and we loved having and sharing lovers. We worked hard to arrive at a place where we are happy and fulfilled and at peace.
Still it makes me feel good to know there are people who have taken different paths and are just as happy, peaceful and fulfilled. Humans are an amazing creation aren't we?
