Should You Tell A Friend Her Husband Is Cheating?
Right thing to do or none of your business? When to spill the beans about a wayward partner.
The first time I met my now-close friend Gina, she was rhapsodizing about her awesome boyfriend, Eugene. After a few minutes, I realized I'd already met him. But he wasn’t the sweetheart she was describing.
I was familiar with Eugene because the weekend before he had propositioned me in a particularly crude manner. I realized I had two choices: tell her what kind of loathsome dirtbag she was dating or keep my mouth shut in the hopes that she'd someday figure it out on her own.
I went with Option A. I told Gina that she could do much better than that jerk and blurted out the whole tacky tale. She was understandably upset, but appreciated my candor. I was lucky—she dumped him, but kept me as a friend. The Frisky: The 10 Friends You Need To Make Before You Turn 30
I barely knew Gina when I spilled my guts. If she'd been a close friend I would've been on the phone as soon as it happened. But not everyone agrees you should tattle on a wayward partner. My buddy Erin didn't find out until years later that her husband had been hitting on her close friend, Susan. And that was only after another mutual friend spilled the beans, long after Erin and her husband had split up.
Most of the people I spoke with said they were reluctant to tell because they felt it was none of their business. I asked my good pal Debra if she would let me know if she saw my boyfriend making out with some other broad.
"No way," she said firmly. "That’s between you, your man, and the tramp." Debra! Bad friend! The Frisky: Mind Of Man: The Types Of Women That Really Turn Us On
Others said they'd zip their lips because they were wary of falling victim to "shoot-the-messenger" syndrome. Author Michael Malice knew that was a concern when he discovered a friend's boyfriend's secret blog, dedicated to all the other women he was schtupping. "She thought they were in a long-term monogamous relationship," Michael explained. "I told her to go check out his blog." As a precaution against the inevitable reprisal, he made her swear to leave his name out of it.
Predictably, she didn't. So instead of writing about the women he was lusting after, the boyfriend shifted the focus of his blog to smack-talking Michael Malice. As for the friend? She never spoke to Michael again.
I like to think I'd react differently, but when you have a lot invested in a partnership it's sometimes easier to blame the person who's smashing your rose-tinted glasses than the one who's breaking your heart. I remember how enraged my ex-friend Jill was when I suggested she might not be the first sliver of side action her married boyfriend had enjoyed. She yelled at me and hung up in a fury.
Discussion
I would tell. People have a tendency to make their lives more complicated than they need to be. One fella in the comments here, wrote that "it's more important for you to shoot straight with good friends, unfortunately, it's more difficult too."
This to me, is backwards. If you have a friend - a person whom you'd actually call "friend" and in my life, that means someone who is loyal, honest and "has your back." In turn, they would get those qualities from me. How in the world anyone could believe that it is more difficult to be straight with one's friends than with strangers?
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would expect me to lie to them or to withhold information that I know will eventually hurt them.
If there is a risk of losing that "friendship" then that alone tells one that the friendship isn't worth keeping anyway. Sure, people may have to part ways to allow wounds to heal but if someone has such a deep desire to lie to themselves, ie; blinding themselves to their partners cheating, even when they have the evidence in front of them, then they would have little issues with lying to you.
Now, is that really a friend of quality? It is excusable when you're young, silly - maybe a teenager and you have all the time in the world but if you accept those types of people into your life, then YOU are creating too much conflict in your own life.
Life is simple, really. What you concentrate on, you attract.
I would want to know, so I would probably tell. But that's really difficult territory. You may think that you know someone well enough that by telling them, you're helping them, but we all know that love can change (and sometimes twist) our thinking.
What do you do about someone who has been in a slump lateyly? For example, if a woman hasn't had a solid relationship (or even dated anyone) in awhile, and she meets a guy. She falls head over heels for him. If you find out that the guy is a player, don you take into account the fact that by telling her, you may open yourself up to the "you don't want to see me happy" tirade? if her self esteem has been shot because of not being in a relationship (or if she has a track record of getting played-bad choices on her part), then do you still go ahead and tell her, even though you would ask the same of her?
I on line with JulieSpira's thinking. I would want to know. I have a whole lot of aquaintances, and very few friends. Those friends are very dear and very close to me, so disbeliveing what they say is not an option. I would seriously want to know, and I definitely would see no reason to shoot the messenger...but that is also just me.
This is a sticky wicket. There is a good chance that the cheating party is going to deny the whole thing. There is a pretty good chance that the cuckold (or cuckquean) is going to believe (or choose to believe) the stray if you cannot produce proof other than "why would I lie about that?" That leaves you in an incredibly awkward position, especially if you've had something negative to say about this person in the past. Be prepared to be read the riot act.
I feel like, providing you don't use the word "slut", guys would be somewhat less likely to kill the messenger in this situation. I could just be biased.
Either way, if you're sure you saw what you thought you saw, you should unleash the truth, it's only going to be more painful later (unless it was an isolated incident like the one time grampa slept with a prostitute during the war and grandma suspects him of whoremongering to this day). It's more important for you to shoot straight with good friends, unfortunately, it's more difficult too.
9 out of 10 Helens agree: Cheaters never win.
I am a woman of integrity and I expect the people in my life to live up to this same standard. If I know my friend's man is cheating on her, I expect him to tell her. If he does not, I will bring it up when both of them are around. If you are truely someone's friend, you will not withhold information pertinent to her life, what she chooses to do with the information is her business, and if she is truely your friend, she won't throw the friendship away over a little bad news. I've never had a friend leave me because I've spilled the beans on her lousy man, and when they think something is going on, they usually call me so I can find out for them. Besides, I wouldn't want a "friend" who prefers to be ignorant and look at the world through rose colored glasses, handling the truth is a part of being a grown-up, even if the truth is horrible.
This actually happened to me once (except they were dating, not married.) I confronted the guy (who I was better friends with than the girl), told him I knew. Told him I was conflicted and that I felt that if he hadn't told his GF by a certain day I would tell her. So he told her and never spoke to me again. But you know what, the loss of that friendship hasn't hurt the quality of my life any. I would do that again, because frankly, it's what I would want someone to do for me.
The saying goes: "It takes two to tango." If your friend's husband (or wife) cheats it's none of your business, their marriage belong to them and only them and if cheating there is, odds are that their marriage is dysfunctional in the first place, before the cheating began. So it's up to them to figure that out and sort it out (or not).
Now if we're talking about a relationship that's just starting and one of them is cheating already, it's another story, it's only fair to warn the victim to cut the losses and move on, but NEVER interfere in a married couple's affairs, unless there's violence involved, and even then be as careful as you can.
Your comment is one of the saddest things about betrayal. The cuckold is twice victimized by the common belief that cheating does not happen in good, happy and sexually fulfilled marriages. The dysfunction is in the cheater and not the relationship. Or the marriage and cheating are unrelated; as in my marriage. That is a belief that is an illusion and the cause for much betrayal, keeping those of us in loving marriages feeling safe and blindly, totally trusting, and then broken hearted. There are predators out there and married people are their target. And yes, it takes 2 to cheat!
I TOLD A FRIND OF MINE HER HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON HER. THEY BOTH STOP SPEAKING TO ME. IS IT REALLY WORTH LOSING A FRIENDSHIP? THEY STILL DONT SPEAK TO ME! I SAY STAY OUT OF IT DONT TELL.
Maybe stay out of it if you don't know & care about the person....but if it's a dear friend, or relative, I would tell if I had enough evidence to convince myself he or she is cheating, and if they didn't speak to me agin...SO BE IT....then they weren't your friends to start with ! And they will eventually look back & probably call you up & thank you for telling them.....they should have the truth, so that they can decide to waste their precious time on this earth with a cheater.....cheater, is not trustworthy....how can you have a relationship without trust ?? YOU CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!
You need to treat people the way that you want to be treated, even if it hurts. In other words, I'd want to know. A friend of mine alerted me to the fact that a boyfriend was "fishing" online after I thought we had an exclusive relationship. He ended up getting dumped by both me and another woman. Friends typically don't want to get involved for fear of losing their friendship.
As much as it would hurt, I'd want to know the truth.
