In Relationships, Are You A Thinker Or A Feeler?
Thinking vs feeling. What's your approach to relationships?
A funny thing happened on the way to a party recently. It was a work party for my friend Dave's venture capital firm. He was going with Mary, his longtime girlfriend who, just a few weeks earlier, he had asked to marry him.
As the couple was about to enter the party, Mary stopped, turned to her fiancé and asked, "Do you think what I’m wearing is okay?"
Dave gave her an appraising look and said, "You look great. But you probably could have worn different shoes." (Insert collective gasp here.)
This is not the funny thing that happened. The funny thing that happened is what Mary said in response. She took a moment to recover from her disbelief and then said, "Are you having a 'T' moment?"
Dave thought about it then nodded his head and said, "Yes, I'm sorry. You look wonderful."
So, what's a "T" moment? What are these magic words that can stop a bad conversation dead in its tracks?
The words come from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment. It's a personality assessment that gives you four letters as a result, like ENFP or ISTJ. Mary was referring to that third letter, which turned out to be crucial in stopping a potential fight and helping Dave reassess his answer to her question. Discover Your "Type" (It Really Exists)
Touchy-Feely or Logic and Reason?
In the Myers-Briggs model there are two main ways to make a decision—Thinking and Feeling.
Some people prefer to make decisions based on objective data. In the MBTI world, this preference is known as Thinking. Logic and external order are the parameters that rule the day.
Other people prefer to make decisions based on subjective data. This preference is known as Feeling. The harmony of the group and what one personally values are the parameters that rule the day of those in the Feeling group.
It probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that there's a gender bias around this decision making process. Sixty-six percent of men prefer the Thinking process, while 66 percent of women prefer the Feeling proces. Female Vs Male Brain: Is There A Difference?
Let's take the question of which restaurant to go to for a family reunion. Sixty-six percent of men are likely to ask themselves things like which restaurant is centrally located, which has enough room, or maybe even which has a back room. Sixty-six percent of women are likely to ask themselves things like which restaurant will most of the family enjoy, which will be affordable for everyone so no one feels awkward, and which one they'd like to go to.
The disparity works for choosing a restaurant, but oh, the havoc this difference brings to relationships. When Mary asked Dave how she looked, she was looking for a subjective answer. "I know you're a bit nervous going to my office party as my new fiancé so I'll do what I can to put you at ease. I'll tell you, you look wonderful." Her Feeling process wanted another person to offer some support.
Discussion
I am an INFP. That makes me a feeler. But I'm so close to being a thinker it almost fifty fifty. I think it's better this way. I like the results and happy with it. I do to wonder what my boyfriend is. Maybe I can make him take the test when he's around.
I took the Myers Briggs test about a year ago. I turned out to be a T. But when I asked my counselor how close it was, she was glad I asked because, I only made it to the T side by like one point. She said I'm half and half. I'm a thinker and a feeler! She says couples who are BOTH thinks and feelers (half and half) tend to last forever :D
I wonder what my boyfriend is . . . ?
I forget what my four letter Type is, is just vaguely remember it sounding fairly familiar...but as far as thinking goes, I'm largely a T striving to be more F. The work is definitely paying off, but sometimes obstinance can still get in the way!
Facebook has a really good application call myType that finds out what personality type you are, and from there how you react to different people, what your strength and weaknesses are, how you are as a friend, lover, and parent, and what type is most compatible with you. I'd say its pretty dead on, too.
I'm an "ISFP" (ie. Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving), aka "The Artist", which makes me most compatible with ESFJs or ENFJs (basically Extroverted Feeling people), which seems to be true. Anyway, I suggest you try it. It's pretty interesting and neat to see what type you are.
