"Honey, Your Husband Is A Jerk"
They argue in public. He calls her names. What does my friend see in her husband?
Recently, one of our readers shared a story about how on a vacation with a group of friends, she witnessed her girlfriend's husband being downright nasty to her: "We were all hanging out and she said that she wanted to go charge her phone and he got so angry at her. 'Forget your phone. You don't need to charge it now.' 'No, I want to go charge it.' He grabbed her phone. 'Enough with the phone,' he said and sort of shoved her. We were all stunned. How could a smart, sweet, successful woman be with such a jerk? At one point over the weekend, he even told her (in front of all of us) to 'eff off!' I love my friend but am starting to hate her husband. Should I say something to her? Should I say something to him? Help! What should I do?!" Sound off: Fighting with your partner during vacation?
Well, we all have one: One friend who we think is in a terrible relationship. Her husband or boyfriend is a complete jerk and treats her terribly. He makes jokes at her expense, calls her names—he even argues with her in front of friends. It's hard for you to understand what it is she sees in him, but it's even harder for you to witness it without wanting to say something to her. What's worse is that you do love your friend, but you feel like you have to avoid social situations—being around the two of them is uncomfortable for everyone (not to mention, you and your husband have your own issues—why do you want witness them arguing?! Read: 4 Tips For Deflating Fights
We contacted Dr. Sheila Forman, clinical psychologist and law expert, and asked her to weigh in on what to do when your friend and her husband argue in public. Here's Dr. Forman's advice on how to deal with sticky social situations like these:
Scenario One: A good friend and her husband are guests at your dinner party. After a few drinks, the couple starts bickering and the husband becomes belligerent. What do you do? Sound Off: Fighting – Good or Bad For The Relationship?
Dr. Sheila's help: This is a tricky situation because you have a couple of concerns here. First, you have your dinner party's other guests. Then, you have the fact that these two people have been drinking to the point of fighting. My suggestion is to take the couple aside and tell them that their behavior is making the other guests uncomfortable and ask them if they would be willing to tone it down. If they say yes, invite them back to the table. If they say no, you have to ask them to leave. Which brings up the second concern: Are they safe to drive home? If they are, hand them coats and send them on their way. If they are not safe to drive, take their car keys (leave them their house keys) and call them a cab. Once the couple has gone, return to your guests and offer a brief apology for the disruption and move on with your party. Don't dwell on the incident or bad mouth the offenders. Simply move on. The next day, call your friend to see if she is okay. Offer your support and assistance if she requires it.
Discussion
I was in a situation much like scenario one. I did almost exactly what the expert suggested and my friend never talked to me again. Just know, even when you are kind and polite and do your best, you could lose a friend. Often, if behavior like this is occurring in public its worse in private and you even mentioning it to your friend makes it impossible for her to ignore it. And sometimes, people would rather live in their denial than have you as a friend.
It's really hard to tell people you don't like their significant other. I had a friend whose boyfriend was somewhat homophobic and misogynistic, and there was no way to tell her. She said she was happy and she loved him (even though she hated sex with him) and there was just nothing to be done.
