It's not easy being a 23-year-old virgin. Especially when you're a shy man who is into fairy tales. So explains Nicholas Grunke's defense attorney, Suzanne Edwards. You see, Grunke has been accused of trying to dig up the body of a dead woman in order to have sex with her. Virginity, Prostitution & The Long Arm Of The Law
More specifically, he is charged with attempted third-degree sexual assault, attempted criminal damage to a cemetery and attempted misdemeanor theft, according to the Chicago Tribune. Is Your Relationship Dead?
His attorney, however, says that there's been a huge misunderstanding. Grunke, as she explains it, was just a shy virgin who longed for a girlfriend. When a 20-year-old woman in his area (Lancaster, Wisconsin) died in a motorcycle accident in 2006, he decided she'd be the perfect person with whom to "set up a fairy tale scenario" by "posing with her" (the Chicago Tribune's terminology, not ours) in a "non-sexual way."
But prosecutor Tony Pozoski believes there was a lot more to Grunke's plan than mere posing. He argues that Grunke, his twin brother Alexander and their friend Dustin Radke planned on "sexually assaulting" the dead body together. The proof? A van found near the scene with shovels, a wrecking bar and a box of condoms. Condomizing Your Sex
Whether Grunke is found guilty of the charges is still to be determined.
In the meantime, we are left with many questions, including: Why aren't Grunke's brother and friend also facing criminal charges? How does a sexual assault charge work when the "victim" is an inanimate object/dead? What kind of fairy tales involve rolling around naked with dead bodies? And finally, shouldn't Grunke be commended for at least trying to practice safe sex under the circumstances?