My Son Found My "Special Toy"
How my sixth grader called me out on using sex toys.
I store my secret and satisfying lover in the hidden compartment of an ottoman in my bathroom. Towels are piled high over it, and inside I store all my overflow of beauty and hair products. Deep within that pile is a compartment I stash my "toys." For the past month, I've been finding my vibrator with the batteries dead and always left in the "on" position. I like to conserve energy, so I know I NEVER would have wasted a AA battery in a recession with an amateur move like that. I didn't have the guts to confront my husband, so instead I've spent the past thirty days bitching to my girlfriends about my husband's alleged jealousy over my affair with "Buzz Light My Year on Fire."Read: What Do Men Think About Vibrators?
This week we grounded our sixth grader for poor grades. My husband sat him down, told him what the grounding entailed and just when he was about to leave his bedroom our defiant little guy decided to get in the last word... "Yeah, well mom has a dildo!" Insert the sound effect of a loud record or chalkboard scratch here. I was checking email when I heard him belt it out and I buried my face in my hands and burst out laughing while in shock. I give my husband a ton of credit. The first words out of his mouth were "What does that have to do with your grounding?" With those simple words the conversation ended, my husband went to Home Depot and bought a new doorknob for our bedroom that requires a key, had a duplicate key made for me and handed it over sweetly the next morning. Well done honey...
I felt so guilty about the false accusation I concocted about my husband. Here I was thinking my husband was secretly draining the batteries out of jealousy, when in reality my sixth grader was busy wasting valuable battery power trying to figure out what the hell it did. I was equally mortified when my son asked to talk to me in his room about my "disturbing sex toys." Does is get any worse than this people? I couldn't believe he actually had the balls to call me out on it and use those exact words. Reliving it makes me cringe. Read: 6 Sex Toys That Scare Us
So here I was left to say something—I was forced to respond. The first words out of my mouth were "Yeah...well...older women use these and there is nothing wrong with that. I meet my obligations at work, home and church and it is none of your business." I walked away, closed his door and thought to myself "What the hell did you just say to him?" I didn't want to overreact because hey—it isn't illegal. I can't believe I referred to myself as an older woman ... I'm in my early thirties! And what did meeting my obligations have to do with using a vibrator? I have never been more caught off guard as a parent and quite honestly I didn't know what the hell to say. Read: Sex Toys In Disguise
Discussion
First off. The sex toy isn't important, its that the kid was snooping around in his parents stuff. In every home there have to be boundaries, after all he wouldn't want his parents in his stuff. But ultimately, kids get their cues from how parents respond to the situation. Sadly, I think this kid got the cue that when it comes to sex, people should be embarrassed.
In defense of the mom, it's hard to think of the right thing to say when you're put on the spot like that. I guess it pays to be prepared - so what is the right thing to say?
The kid was already embarrassed by the sex toy - that may be a message he'd gotten before, but it could also be the old your parents aren't supposed to do that stuff.
I'm not sure what to think about the boundaries. Our kids go wherever they want in the house. The younger one would be sure to want to open a secret compartment. I've been puzzling over this issue and using a variation of the purloined letter strategy and not making it obvious that anything is hidden. I'm not sure this will work forever, though.
Oh no! My worst fear! (Well, not my worst fear, not even on the top ten, but definitely a fear.)
The problem with locking the bedroom door is that then you have to explain why it's locked. Our kids go in and out of our bedroom when they want to.
I would really like to hear how other parents hide these things.
