Sexual History: What Your Number Says About You
Men care less about your number of sexual partners and more about what you've done with them.
Ed note: Last week we featured a community blog post that warned women not to reveal their "number." Below, a man responds.
Every guy, specifically every comedian (double specifically Chris Rock) knows that a woman's number is a whole lot of hooey. You say ten; (after probably throwing up in his mouth a little) he realizes you meant 17. And it's not that you're lying, it's just dudes consider any "crossing the threshold" to be sex. (We were raised on sports in which "breaking the plane" counts as scoring: football, soccer, hockey, goat racing, etc.) And, per our buds over at The Frisky, gals have some sexual encounters that they just don't count. (By the by, if you're not periodically check out The Frisky, after YourTango, naturally, please do yourself a solid and peruse their articles. They have been serving electric Kool-Aid acid laced with TNT* lately.) Read: Men And Women And Why Their "Counts" Don't Add Up
While the whole "number" issue's been batted about more times than anyone should care to recall (Lisa and Marge Simpson famously decided Lisa could wear white to her wedding because Milhouse "doesn't count"), the fact is the lion's share of guys don't spend a lot of time thinking about your number. But guys do care about sexual history. Here's why.
1. Disease. Guys without junk funk would prefer to keep it that way. While he doesn't want to ask, he's keenly interested in not catching anything that will make him itch, cause pee-related burning, disfigure his mouth, genitalia or anus, give him the cancer or compromise his immune system. If you're clean, he's cool.
2. Famous people. There's a good chance he won't be jealous that you f*cked the lead singer of Arctic Monkeys, but he will wonder if he's actually a cool guy, if you're still in touch and if he'd like to come to his birthday party.
3. Crazy stuff. In an effort to find out what gets you going, eventually he'll want to know the crazy things that you've done in the sack (or a baby pool full of KY). Talking about your past will also galvanize him to ask if you'd do something he finds to be of risqué, kinky interest (hello, threesome).
4. People he knows. Sure it's childish, but a guy doesn't like to be blindsided with "yeah, dude, I hit that," afer proudly telling friends about his new girlfriend. The idea of hearing "Hell, Lumbergh f*cked her," from a third-party, is ten times worse than knowing you slept with 11 guys during a particularly low self-esteem-y junior year in college.
Discussion
I felt my husband knowing about my past relationships (partners) really put a kink in our relationship in the begining. He has not been with that many ppl (from what I understand) so when he found out how many ppl I have been with he kinda looked at me funky. Its not that I have slept with a WHOLE lot of ppl, just more than him. But what I thought was strange is that he wanted the actual names of the ppl I slept with. I never understood why, but I wasn't ashamed or anything. I had purposely left one name out because he was around him quite often (not a friend of his, but a friend of a relative) and I didn't want things to get awkward with him, and he called me out on it. I didnt lie about the number of ppl I was with cause it made no sense to. If he didnt want to be with me because of the number of ppl I slept with, then he wasn't worth being with.
Honestly, the number doesn't really matter. It's more important to know about the STD status and if you've slept with any of the currents friends or family members. Look at it this way, men pretty much always inflate their number (usually in correlation to how many partners their current has had) and women will usually deflate their number (same thing). My current and I have not had that discussion and honestly, I don't really care. Any of the people that he slept with before me were just that - BEFORE me. Ditto for him.
And Dynamike is right. You don't have to have a large number to have gotten an STD - random sh*t happens and it even happens to good people who are safe and THINK they're being told the truth.
We all change and grow - hopefully. This is natural so how relevant is the past? I guess it depends how far in the past it is and all the pertinent facts of the situation. I personally feel that if you are into interrogating your companion / potential sexual partner, maybe something isn't right.
On the other hand, agree that learning shocking things about your companion can be awkward, so maybe some disclosure is appropriate. It's very situation dependent I'd say. Clearly, STD's or anything that is harmful to the other person physically or emotionally is a biggie and should be talked about. Otherwise, I'd expect that in the process of learning about the other everything will come out as the level of security and trust in the relationship develops, if it does.
Don't believe the hype ladies! He claims men "want" to know these things, but they really don't. I repeat, the only things they need to know is if you are disease free (or not as the case may be so he can be properly warned and protect himself), and if you dated a friend or family member in the past. Other than that, no numbers, no details about what you did or who you did it with, nothing about the men of your past and their size, prowess, or your experimentation. He doesn't need to know. None of his business. You do what you want to do with HIM. He needs to enjoy it and be happy, not wondering who else you may have done it with in the past.
See, too much focus on what a woman has done with HER hoo ha in the past is indicative of a very, very insecure man. Since most men are not that confident about themselves and their ability to satisfy sexually, only a foolish woman would give a guy ammunition to be even MORE insecure about himself.
Keep your lips closed.
It's also been my experience that those who REALLY want to know numbers and specifics are VERY insecure. The worst case scenario in my past involved a camping trip and the new guy's revolver under the mattress in the camper during the "discussion". As much as I didn't want to answer the question, it was, needless to say, a STRESSFUL situation for me riddled with potential issues on HIS end. I have no problem with my own past and don't need a discussion to 'work' or hash through any of it with a new relationship or probably anyone else for that matter. But, the man I am referring to, here, in this example, turned out to be very insecure!! If only I could have avoided the discussion altogether! He was damned determined to know despite my protests. Reason only slightly helped the scenario. Give a me a break! And I believe it's not just insecurity, it is also jealousy with some men. Guys/men need to realize that just like it's unfair that women can still make cents to mens' dollars (therefore men can afford more toys, etc.) that sex is more easily attainable to women if they want it and the numbers will not likely be even!
so sorry but you can't say you should or shouldn't because it depends on the guy...my first man..I wish he had never asked and I certainly wished I had never told him...second guy..loved him but so so sex life ...three years in I'm sitting at the computer one night and brought up the fact that I had been in a threesome and how many lovers I had in the past...from that minute on our sex life sky rocketed....it completely changed our relationship...we reliazed we had more sexually in commen than we first thought and not only that but it gave us the freedom to talk about what we really wanted and really enjoyed...since then our sex life has been off the hook...so you need to think about what can this guy handle? What turns this guy on? There is no one right answer
First of all if he doesn't care he won't ask if so don't volunteer the info. Second if that is the case you should only bring up the past if your current surpasses them in some way i.e. size, technique, and/or just the way he makes you feel. Because even if the guy is very secure we still like to hear compliments. And you shouldn't lie about your past if you are asked if the guy can't handle the truth then he shouldn't have asked any guy that is worth it won't care what the number is. Well unless your going for the milion mark :)
Just don't talk about it, Liz. That's exactly what I've been saying, just not as eloquently. If the man is pressing you about it, he's insecure somewhere. You have to ask yourself if you want an insecure man in your life. If you do, then cave and tell him. If not, then move on.
I'm a woman and I would want to know. I don't see it as a sign of insecurity so much as intimacy.
Earlier in a relationship I would be wondering about disease and compatibility. I know that a person with few sexual partners can have a disease, but the chances go up with more partners.
Later on, it just seems like, why wouldn't you share your past? When you become close with someone, you talk about your childhoods and the things that have made you who you are. Why not talk about your romances and sexual experiences? That's not the same thing as telling your number, but if you get close, they should be able to figure it out.
To put this in perspective - I recognize that I am not part of the modern dating scene. I probably stopped dating before the YourTango interns were born. So I don't want to be too definitive about what a girl should do to get a guy. Maybe it's hard to get a guy (or girl) if you've slept with lots of people somewhere in your past. Certainly it would be weird to exchange the information with someone you didn't know that well and then you don't get involved and the information is still out there.
What I do know is that over time, my husband and I have discussed our past experiences. I think I know a bit about all his past girlfriends and experiences. I am glad we're close and would have found it odd if he didn't want me to know about his past. I have shared my experiences with him and it didn't make a difference to what he thought of me - I'm glad I can be open and honest and myself.
And there you have it. You're talking about a life partner where your history comes out naturally over time. I bet you two didn't sit down one day and catalogue your sexual history. We're talking about someone pressing you for information and specifics.
That's true, we didn't sit down one day and have a big talk about it. It's hard to remember exactly when we talked about it, but I think we knew most of what there was to know by the end of the first year. We took a long time to get married, but by the time we did, I think we knew everything, fairly specifically.
We were lucky enough not to be worrying about health issues, though. I think a general sense of that would matter more now.
You know, YourTango staff, an interesting article might be what kinds of sex questions are good examples of sharing your past and what questions are just intrusive and nosy. (What was it like losing your virginity (assuming you did) and where is the most daring place you ever had sex/made out versus is your ex's penis bigger than mine/are your ex's nipples prettier than mine?/did you let him do this/did she know how to do that?) Just thinking.
How cute! You guys are still keeping count. It's like you're in high school.
Seriously, what does a persons sexual past have anything to do with the right now? If a person is a addict, porn star, or prostitute, he or she is going to have issues you'll notice way before you start asking about number of sexual partners. And you can get an STD and still only have had one partner.
Grow up. Seriously!
I'm with Book -- it matters. But men and women rarely give the "real" number.
I thought this article was rather funny, especially the comment about turning hoes into housewives...but I don't care about their number. I appreciate experience and one being STD-free.
I'm not so concerned about the number as the history, and even then its not really details that I want, but appetites, self-awareness of what works and doesn't, the usual STD question, stuff like that.
I've had quite a few partners with numbers WAY higher than mine...its just always been kinda funny to me when they get upset about how many I've been with. I think this is more of a personal preference type of thing. At the very least, people should learn not to get upset about their SO's number. It doesn't have anything to do with you that they had a high or low number, and if they are good to great in the sack then be happy they had the practice!
This is one of those things I can't quite get used to. Maybe it's my age, but I would definitely want to know someone's "number." It would be a weird thing to discuss on a first date, but somewhere before you think about getting married, it seems to me like you'd want to know the details of someone's sexual history.
So, when do you discuss it? Do you wit 'till date 2? Or how about 'till date #(whatever number you have arbitrarily set before you decide to have sex)?
What happens if you decide to ask the guy/gal you've fallen for and *gasp* he/she has had more than you think he/she should have for his/her age? Are you going to leave? Are you going to feel insecure?
Just leave it alone. There's more to that person than a number.
This is a somewhat question issue for me. I don't have a good answer about exactly when in a relationship you'd want to know the number. And while I am way, way out of high school, giving an exact number wasn't something my friends and I did. In any case, I don't think the exact number is as important as knowing what ballpark you're in (under 10 versus over 15 matters, 4 versus 5 doesn't).
This is also a hard question to answer honestly without being rude. If someone has slept with many people, it suggests to me that they have a more casual attitude about sex. Some of my friends fall into this category. I don't worry about it.
Getting involved with someone is different, though. If a relationship is at all serious, you want to know how the other person sees sex. How many people they've slept with in the past says something about the value they put on sex. Without judging anyone, it seems to me that it's a good idea to match people up with people who share their values. If a person has changed, they can discuss that.
Should finding out someone had been wild change your attitude towards them if you find out after you're in love? I don't know, but if there's going to be a problem, maybe it's better to find out early on. Why wait until someone else tells your sweetie about your past?
I agree that I want to know how the other person sees sex; if they've had, say, under 10, they are far too inexperienced and not sexually voracious enough. It says they do not value sex and may not have a high enough opinion of themselves to be having lots of it.
I want a man who is confident sexually, who goes after what he wants, and is good at attracting women, because this is the sort of man whose company I can consistently enjoy.
If they haven't had a lot of partners, what insecurities are they hiding?