Don't Reveal Your Sexual Past Or Your Income!
Women have an urgent need to blab every thought in their head and share every sexual experience they've ever had in their quest to "be honest" with men. This uncensored sharing is a big mistake. Men neither want nor need to know every detail of your life or your past. In most instances, they don't want to know and should never be told, because they can't handle hearing the truth about the number of men you've made love to!
There are two topics which women should never discuss in a new dating situation: (1) the exact number of men on your list of former lovers; and (2) your salary.
Young women especially should take heed to this advice. If you reveal to your new man that he isn't your first love or that you make more money than he does, your name is MUD. Young guys tend to flip out and go crazy when they hear this wonderful accomplishment; older guys don't handle it especially well either, but they are more realistic. Some guys just can't resist asking a question when they know full well they don't really want to hear the answer. Two cases in point:
Case #1: "I heard that my girlfriend hooked up with this random guy before and that she was supposed to hook up with my best friend. This all happened before she met me. She never did hook up with my friend, but it is disturbing to me to picture her and him together. I am kind of stuck on it. I don't think I could break up with her, but it would just make it easier for me if I could stop picturing her with my friend or anyone else. I just want to get over it. Please help!"
Case #2: "I am engaged to a 27-year-old woman that refuses to tell me how many men she has been with. The only thing she will say is that it is between 15 and 20 men. I don't know why, but I am upset about this. I mean, I really want to know how many men she has been with. I have told her everything about my life, including the women I've slept with. I want to know the same about her. What should I do?"
How about you stop asking? Why a man would even entertain the thought of asking such a question? Obviously the answer is perilous to his self-esteem and mental stability, so the need to know the answer in this situation is beyond my understanding.
Men are very competitive by nature. They want to win and be the best at everything. This somewhat explains why the average man would attempt to size himself up by comparing his prowess to your past loves. But to do this well, he has to know how many men he is besting…therefore he asks how many men you've had. If it turns out that he's not your first or at most second lover, he's likely to feel insecure. Instead of focusing on optimizing each other's loving style, some men become fixated on comparing their loving styles with that of former lovers. Major tension, fights and eye-rolling repeated questioning follow. If you make the mistake of responding to his first question with even a tidbit of information, he will never stop running mental tapes or comparing himself to other guys. Watch: Sexual History: Does it Matter?
Paradoxically, women have been socialized to highly value a "manly" man of great romantic and sexual experience. This man has been around the bedpost a time or two and can boast honestly about the number of women he's seduced, becoming the admirer of less successful men and other female conquests. Think of Sean Connery as James Bond for a perfect example!
Discussion
I ask of my boy as to how many women he'd been with and I celebrate of him having so many wonderful women around a beautiful him. I tease him, sometimes it is annoying too, I know but it never goes to an end wherein that would be disappointing or should sound harassing. I am cautious and conscious and caring too. He explains, I interrupt and he tries to set things right again and he's being bit embarrassed in the middle and suddenly holds me close tight and kisses me deep! What? I don't understand this! Where from this kiss emanate from? Is it exclusively for me or the thought of some ex of his. Oh! Is him missing someone? Where am I? But Kiss feels good . Great ;) but still. I am rewarded for what? Taunting and teasing and interrogating him. I still don't understand him good. But I think I like him the way his and would continue doing so. I love him anyway.
There are some things best left unsaid. Some information shouldn't be disclosed at all, and some only when asked. When my fiancee and I started talking, I instinctively knew that she made more than me, but that wasn't (and still isn't) an issue. I don't have that insecurity issue, or that thing of having to make more than she does. She makes what she makes because she's earned it. And, that subject didn't come up until we started talking marriage and finances. So, it came up at what I believe was the proper time.
As for past partners, please! Why ask? No matter what a woman says, some guys are going to have an issue with it. If she says two, then comes: how big were they? Were they better than me? Even if that's not the case, some guys will wonder if that number is really true. Just be glad that you're with her now. That's all that matters.
I'm basically cut and dry when it comes to this subject. If they ask, I tell. If they don't ask, I don't make an issue out of it. I really don't care how many people my partner has been with as long as he is disease free.
I asked my ex, and he responded, "do you want an estimate?" And honestly, I think his "number" is somewhere between 10-15, and that's giving leverage. In all actuality, I think he'd be between 7-10.
There used to be a saying that went something along the lines of the # a guy tells you, subtract 3-5 and the # a woman tells you, multiply by 3-5...lol
As far as finances are concerned...I want to know. Now, of course I don't think it's something you should discuss until you've been dating for a while. However, my ex hid his financial situation from me and when I found out everything it was a huge mess. i'm comfortable discussing my financial situation as long as I'm comfortable with whom I'm sharing the information. If I feel as if it's none of his business (yet) I won't tell him.
This seems very sensible to me. Your ex brings up a question I always wonder about though - if his number is under 20, I'm not sure why he'd need to make an estimate. So is there more than one way people define their mysterious "number"? What counts as sex?
How do you all out there decide what counts as a sexual partner?
I have a different reaction to this from most of the comments. I think I would want to know a partner's number, particularly if I were serious about them. It's not that the exact number matters, but I would feel funny about a high number, after factoring in the person's age, etc. This may be unfair of me, but I don't see sex as something hugely casual. I might hesitate to get involved with someone if I thought they did. Maybe that would be for the best, even for the other person.
In terms of marriage, I think it's nice to share with each other about your past relationships/experiences. Not just a number, but names and feelings, etc.
Let me explain why you don't need to waste your time asking a man that question.
#1 He tells you a low number. Do you believe him or do you think he is lying? You have no way to prove that he is telling you the truth. He seems so flirtatious and confident to you, though he says he only had a couple of girlfriends and was very selective with his women. You don't know anyone from his past. You accept it as true, but in the back of your mind you are always wondering if he has lied to you in order to spare your feelings and not let you know how much of a 'ho you suspect he really was.
#2 He tells you a higher number. He has no way of knowing what your "acceptable range" of lovers is, so he picks a number out of thin air that makes him look (in his eyes) wordly, loverlicious, a hot playboy with the ladies. Do you believe him or do you think he is lying? You have no way to prove that he is telling you the truth. He seems kinda quiet and nerdy to you, but you don't know anyone from his past. You accept it as true, but in the back of your mind you are always wondering if he lied to you in order to not let you know how much of a loser he was with women before you came along he really was.
See, you ask the question but in the end, you don't have any more information than you did before you did. So why bother? You also don't need to know names or feelings. Doesn't matter. You are here now so what difference does it make? Just something to clog your mind and get all bent out of shape over in the future.
Well, you could take the complete opposite mind set to this...Tell the idiot how many and how much!
Okay, I know we've got the author, newcomer Symian who has been giving some good advice here and there, and MsHeartBeat who is also great with the words of experience and wisdom all saying don't say anything about any of it. I agree, both items are very personaly bits of info, both of which I actually don't ask.
I slept with a virgin once, and not out of some macho ideal to be the first to "break ground on undiscovered territory." Sexually it wasn't the greatest of experiences, and of I course I don't blame her. Anywho, its given me a far greater appreciation for a woman with experience. I couldn't care if your number was 5 or 45 (yes, I dated someone who was that high up there). What matters to me is their approach to dating, how much of that was just hooking up versus serious relationship, etc. Basically the things that help you gauge if that is someone that can fit in your idea of what type of relationship you want with them.
Money is money. I earn what I need to pay my bills, save towards future dreams, and have some fun. I've dated several women who make more money than me (or were trust fund babies), so the concern over who has more has never been an issue for me.
Now, I realize I definitely don't speak for all men, or even for all men my age (early 30s), but here is my thinking on it:
1) Its not the best of signs if he is asking about your finances and sexual history right away. Its a tactic men use to try and feel more superior, more in control. If we have more partners than you or earn more than you then we are obviously superior to you and the men of your past (as stated in the above article). This puts the man at ease because now he feels he has some sort of real worth to you. Whether that worth is of value to you or not is up to you.
2) Tell him and see if his ego is crushed. Yeah, may seem kinda heartless, but do you really want to tip toe through the relationship trying to act like you aren't more successful or experienced that the guy you are dating? Any person that is truly confident knows that its not rooted in their bank account or in the bedroom but something more than that.
3) If the ego is crushed then you can really guage the type of guy he is. Some men will bounce back...these ones have potential. Some will just become whiny little cry babies about or get all passive aggressive about it...these are the ones that if you stay I'd say you're wasting your time.
I understand its hard to find a decent guy, let alone one that can handle your background, but they are out there. I understand that it gets harder to find a decent guy as you get older, and the type that could handle all your background info is even rarer at those older ages. My point is, do you want to settle for someone that can only accept certain parts of you, or do you want someone that loves the whole picture?
Qverb could not have said it better. I agree very much...for me personally, I am not interested in a woman's past sexual life and if she is interested in mine, I would see her as very insecure and therefore jealous and possessive. On the other hand, the subject of finances may come up, although I never ask nor am particularly interested. You see, what matters are not particular numbers, but whether the person has learned something of value that she can apply to our relationship. A person who has had a lot of sexual experience would be expected to be very comfortable with the subject and with her body, and that's a positive. Note that the comfort is what I am interested in, not how she got that way. Similarly, a person who is financially well off would be expected to not act like someone who is financially insecure. Again, her attitudes about money are what are important, not how she acquired them. I think looking at things this way, we can appreciate not only the importance of how a person is NOW, but also the relevance of her past or her income-but the latter doesn't have to be spelled out and it's not relevant directly...only insofar as it has made the person a more empowered and well-adjusted or more self-assured person...To me, inconsistency or outright deception are far more interesting than any particular fact about a person, be it success with men or with money in the past.
I agree with this article. I'm entirely uninterested in my partner's previous sexual experience, yet he's very interested in mine. He's asked how many people, who's the biggest, who's the best at his or that, whatever. He's also tried sharing his experiences with me and I let him know that this is the reason he has a best friend, I'm sure he cares more than I do. It seems more important to know that he's been tested and cleared of any infections, that he isn't violent and knows how to deal with his anger, and that he is honest and brimming with integrity.
When it comes to income, it's impolite to ask anyone how much they make unless it's a close friend/family or someone with whom you will have financial dealings. Again, my guy brought this up. The problem was that before this conversation everything felt pretty equal. After finding out that he is a former professional althlete with plenty of investments, houses, and such on top of his current job that pulls 5x my salary I felt (feel) very inadequate. I feel even worse when I offer to pay and he won't let me, I feel like a charity case, but I'm sure this is my issue and not his. Possibly a subject better left alone until there is a good reason to share this info.
Sooooo true. Like I said, the best time is when the couple are talking marriage. Then its appropriate to lay on the table your assets and debts/obligations (such as paying for your grandmother's nursing home stay every month). Truly, men just cannot deal with hearing the truth about all the men that may have sweated over your body before they got there. Women really need to learn to shut up sometimes.
