Marrying A Much Older Man Made Me A Better Person
One woman explains what she's learned from her husband, who is 25 years older than she.
Billy Joel and his wife of nearly five years Katie Lee are splitting up. A "friend" of the couple told the New York Daily News that the age difference of 33 years drove the couple apart ( 15 Common Divorce Mistakes). I doubt it. Maybe, like so many couples that end up divorced, they just weren't meant to be. You never hear anyone say "Dick and Jane are the same age—that must have had something to do with their breakup." I call BS on blaming the age difference when it comes to divorce. Though, admittedly, I'm biased. Older men and younger women?
My husband of almost six years is 25 years my senior. Our age difference might influence our choice in music but in no way does it affect our arguments, personal goals, admiration for one another or our love. A marriage is a relationship built on love and I can't imagine sharing my life (I'm 28) with anyone other than my 53-year-old husband—who has been told on numerous occasions he looks like Billy Joel. Go figure.
In celebration of large age-gap relationships, here are five ways my romance with a much older man has made me a better person:
1. I listen more. My husband Tom has had years of crazy life before me (like when he was eight and his house blew up; his time in a band; the tragic death of his four-year-old daughter in a fire), so I've learned to become a dynamite listener. Knowing about his life experiences—positive and negative—has been helpful in my own decision-making.
2. I'm more open-minded. Yes, relationships like mine are more common than the reverse, but that doesn't make it any less taboo. When Tom and I first met, I was only 18—I certainly didn't want my peers judging me, thinking my being with a partner older than some of their parents was "weird" or "disgusting;" or by older women who thought he was only with me for the sex or that I was one manifestation aspect of a mid-life crisis. The old saying "treat others as you would like to be treated" really comes into play here.
3. He's been schooled in sex. Self-consciousness aside, our relationship slowly progressed from sideward glances and intellectual conversation over lunch to long kisses and passionate embraces during afternoons spent in bed. Unlike with younger guys, the experience with Tom was more about the two of us than just him and his desires. Maybe like a fine wine, men too, improve with age. With him, I felt like I went from virgin to vixen in record time.Discuss: Sex Tips that work
Discussion
i am 31 & my fiance is 64 and i know how confusing and difficult making the commitment can be. we hav known each other for over 6yrs. started as friends, then casual lovers, then friends again till where we are today. he was gettin over a bitter divorce, i didnt know what i was looking for. now i hav a child from another relationship that occured within the last 4yrs & yet he remains my best friend, my greatest support and the best lover i have ever had. i know my daughter & i hav 'rejuvenated' & 'blessed' his life. he is more patient, loving and considerate to my daughter & i than any other man, even her father. he is funny as hell & smart. i hate myself for considering the criticisms we face and will continue to face, especially those bout the difficulties. these ppl seem to forget the hell i faced in a relationship with a younger man. shouldnt consideration be given to the person and not the age? we make each other happy, we love each other, we share so much together-heartaches, joys, pains. people laugh when i say i played enough games in my life, say am still young. i am really ready to settle down with the loves of my life-my daughter and the man i love who happens to be 33yrs my senior.
I Have been with someone 16 years older than me for almost 3 years. We are now married. We have had to compromise alot because older men are very set in their ways, and I am stubborn. We have learned from each other. I have taught him to stop and listen to his children and he has taught me to stand up for myself. I am sure there has been more learning from each other than that. The only problem I have is that I worry about being widowed at a young age. That is silly to worry about though because His parents were 15 years apart, and his Mom passed before his father. So you never know where life will take you. You just have to enjoy what you are given.
my husband is 30 years older than me and I love him truely and never have been in love before now i wont ever try for love again i dont know what i'll do if something ever happens to him i don;t want ny one else he is the best lover he is funny he makes me feel good about myself and i love him very much
I'd like to read your boyfriend's point of view in a similar article - has the relationship made HIM a better person too? In what ways? I'm just curious to see what he would say. Like BookMama said, it sounds like you're the child/student/learner in the relationship, and I'm sure your boyfriend knows this - I wonder what he would say about these roles.
I know a lot of these May-December relationships end up working out, but I just don't think they should start as early as age 18 to 25 - ish. You're still growing up during those years and that part of your life is a CRITICAL development stage. And if you're dating someone 20 years older than you - of course it's going to affect you in MANY ways (as we've already read). It's like you're being raised by your much older boyfriend/girlfriend at that point; like another parent. it's almost like you're being molded into who they want you to be. This almost happened to me at age 18, but I realized all this VERY early on and decided against it.
I am 24 and have been in a relationship with a 38 year old man for over a year now. The 14 year age difference only comes into play when my family is concerned - they are worried about the age gap... my boyfriend and I are not. It must his age and experience, however, that have taught him how to treat his partner, and how to appreciate a good relationship. I have never been so fully loved by anyone before, and he is comepletely devoted to me, as I am to him. This may make the long run, and I would be the first to admit that age really isn't much more than a number.
My father was 20yrs older than my mother. Neither of my parents ever really looked their ages, and I'm greatful too that some of that genetic ooze fell my way. My college buddy, a great looking man of 53 recently married his 28 yr old collegue. This girl is one of the best looking women I've seen and my pal is very happy with this choice.For me, I've found that women look their best at around 45. A girl I'd been seeing for some time, my age though, was one of the most stunning beauties around at age 50! With 3 children this girl's body was still amazing and having known her since HS days, she was beautiful then and even more so now!
More to the point, depending on certain criteria, genetics, and good healthy living to name a few, some people look really grand to me now in the mid 50's and I found the Passion in this woman to be far more so than anyone I recall in my 20's or 30's. So, the years one is alive is not always a good indicator of AGE. Besides, one shouldn't count a life based on the number of breathes you take, rather it's the number of times you've had your breath taken away that should matter most!.
While reading this article, i was kinda amazed and course happy for both of them.. they've made it through. As for my situation, I have met a guy 30 years older than me. I was cool about it [because i loved him] but he was so worried about that age thing when in fact, it was supposed to be ME!!!
well, maybe he was also thinking about the short span of time that we knew each other.. it was okay but what made me sad about it was that he never tried to make things work out.
I am 20 and my boyfriend is 51. And I'm carrying his child. I get dirty looks from people all the time but you know what? It's my life not theirs. I've learned that older men have a different respect for life and to me, that is everything. I have this amazing respect for life being that I'm slightly wiccan. My boyfriend has taught me so much in the short amount of life I've spent with him... and those who have a problem with it, are those I don't need in my life. Those who accept it, are those who matter. I've learned that happiness is what matters... and while I dread the day that I'll have to spend without him... life is too short to spend anytime without him while I still can... so to those of you who are in this same situation, you aren't alone... :-)
It really bothers me the way the author talks about listening more to her older husband and learning from his greater life experiences. I hope my children will listen to me and learn from my life - or, if not my own children, at least my nieces and nephews. In a couple it's good to both be learning from each other. This particular relationship doesn't come across as equal.
I don't think relationships across the generations are wrong and I think some people find true love this way. I do think that they face huge challenges because they are at different stages in their lives. As a mom, I would prefer it if my kids found someone closer to them in age for a serious relationship. I know I don't have a choice really, but that is what I would prefer.
I was expecting the author to give different reasons for why inter-generational relationships make you a better person - things like you have to communicate well and clearly about what you want in life (children? retirement?), you have to put another person's needs first (health, family, sex), you have to learn to get along with people who are sort of from a different culture than you (him and his friends).
And although I don't think an age-difference dooms a relationship, I do think it's perfectly believable that it causes stresses that can break up a couple.
Most people strive for an equal relationship (hopefully) but sometimes people do better in a relationship like this, where one is "teacher" and the other is "student". I know it doesn't work for me since I've been in both positions and can only take so much of either, but for some this works out really well.
Thing is she may say she is the student but we don't hear his side of the story. I have learned so much frommy much younger boyfriend (14 years) that it sometimes makes him uncomfortable as even he believes that someone in their 20's has nothing to teach. I highly doubt the author's love is the only one teaching...just because we are older it doesn't mean we have all the answers or that we are incapable of discovering something vital with a younger person.
Very nice article. Very mature sensible thinking for a young lady. Gee, I'm wondering if the reason I was so impressed with this article is because --I'm 54!
Actually had a wonderful time with a young college girl while she was on Christmas break. I enjoyed myself immensely but felt guilty about having ANY intentions beyond the hollidays. Saw her again at spring break. Again I told her we should just enjoy the time we spent together, and she'd meet someone else at college. Maybe I shouldn't have dismissed the idea so easily. It just didn't seem to me to be fair to her or responisble of me to continue persuing it. When I'd be 80, she'd be 46..WOW! Big difference. I'd have felt guilty all my life. That IS TOO MANY YEARS. BUT, it did put some bounce in my step.... she was a lovely girl. Schools' over, It's summer,......I'm alone again.
I think you have a point. I'm in my 40's and the idea of being with a guy in his 70's frightens me. I imagine myself playing nursemaid all day and tying my legs together to be good if I ever left the house.
I have enough problems with mid-life issues, but at least I can look forward to starting a new stage in life.
Um a 70 year old doesn't have to be a cripple or infirm...my boyfriends father is in his middle 70's and he is still quite able to be an ardent lover of his 50 year old wife. My grandparents were still sexually active in their 70's. That is a narrow minded and silly viewpoint!
While it frightens me to be with someone nearly twice my age and what that may bring, it frightens me more to think of wasting my life on someone who does not cherish me in the way I deserve. Been both places, and so happy to be sharing a life with the older man.
Face it. We all roll the dice with whomever we choose. My lover said to me, "Say I have a stroke. How would it be for you to care for someone who is incapacitated?" I said, "Say I am in a horrible accident , incapacitated and you have to help care for me. Could you do it?" He said, "Yes, because I love you and I will do anything I can to make your life wonderful." Because of answers like that, I can push past the fear and live most every day grateful for this beautiful, amazing man.
