Is Narcissism Keeping You From Finding Love?
Twentysomethings may be too concerned with feeling good to succeed in a relationship.
It's no secret that people are getting married later these days than in previous generations, and in this culture of hook-ups and "modern female dating anxiety," we're at no loss for theories that explain why. Some people say today's twentysomethings are delaying marriage to focus on careers and build close friendships instead, but another explanation paints a less flattering picture of young people: apparently, they're all just a bunch of narcissists. In an article on The Daily Beast this week, writer Hannah Seligson, explores this theory, writing: "narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey." Read: Are You Narcissistic?
But is it true that twentysomethings think more highly of themselves and have greater expectations for their lives than older generations did at their age? And, if so, is that such a bad thing? Seligson cites psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, authors of the book, The Narcissism Epidemic, who "chart the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have a clinical narcissist personality disorder." Surveying a wide representation of 35,000 Americans, they discovered that "nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65." And in an age of confessional blogging, and constant Facebook and Twitter updates, that figure isn't hard to believe. Read: Is Facebook for Narcissists?
Some believe this blatant self-regard is a product of the "Oprah school of thought," or the idea that you have to love yourself before anyone else will.
Finish reading this article at The Frisky:
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Discussion
I have actually gotten to witness this and have been concerned about it when I went back to school for my AA a couple years ago. The majority of students enrolled at the 2 year business college I attended were either just out of highschool or hitting their early 20s and were so full of this mindset that it worried me.
The idea that we deserve more is a positive one, I don't disagree on that. The difference is in how that idea is percieved. A lot of the early to mid-twenties youths that I met not only believed that they deserved more and better, but that it would also "just happen", as if they didn't really have to do the work to get it. As the article states, a lot of my fellow classmates believed that they would get a six-figure salary as soon as they graduated. In the relationship department the expectations were just as unrealistic.
True, this theory has holes, and pretty much every theory dealing with macro social issues will have holes. I like the numbers that you brought up, BookMama. True, the younger generation has a huge crowd of role models that showed them they need to put themselves first, and not in a positive way. Its scary how many young ladies watch the Paris Hilton, Super Sweet 16 reality shows and really think that is how life is "supposed" to be. Young men are getting more and more mixed up, with many thinking that women really are just to be used and that they don't have to really grow up or learn how to co-operate and compromise. As examples of that you can see some of the comments left by other male Tango-ers on the "Male Habits the world can do without" column.
Rasing the bar, aiming for something more, and the "Oprah school of thought" of learning to love yourself before someone else are all truly great things. They are also views that can be easily skewed and made to be self serving views. The issue isn't really that we've raised the bar...its that we haven't taught our youth (on a large scale, I have a feeling BookMama's kids are very well raised) that they still need to do the work to get what they want.
I don't see this as the "give all, end all" reason, but there is enough of it going on out there to take a step back and think about it.
There are so many holes in this theory. Maybe people over 65 are less narcissistic because they've learned something along the way. Heck, maybe some of the worst offenders die young. Besides, thinking you can do anything isn't all bad - that's how people change the world.
As for marrying later, who are you talking about? The median age at first marriage for men hasn't changed that much - 27.7 in 2007, 26.7 in 1997, and 26.1 in 1990. It drops to 24.7 in 1980. Probably somewhere in there couples began living together before marriage. (By the way, at the beginning of the 20th century, men who marrying later than in the middle.)
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005061.html
Women are a little different - the median age at first marriage starts at 22 in 1980, rises to 23.9 in 1990, 25 in 1997, and 26 in 2007. That would fit with living together before marriage and more women getting a higher education. It also makes you wonder if women are marrying men closer to their age than before.
The other thing that irritates me about saying younger people are more self-cented so they don't form relationships, is that younger people probably have a higher rate of divorced parents. That would be enough to make you hesitate to commit - but it might be the older generation that was focused on themselves.
