Good Dad And Loving Husband: Can I Be Both?
Becoming a father and stay-at-home dad puts a strain on a couple's marriage.
As with all couples, the birth of our son, Emerson, on April 15, 2008, changed our family forever. For my wife and I, it ushered in an era of marital strife that we'd never experienced. Before Emerson's arrival we'd been able to focus exclusively on each other. Even without kids, our marriage required hard work, and we were only balancing the needs of each other. Now we had to consider him as well.
I had grown up in a service-oriented house, where actions were our way of showing love; my parents appreciated and rewarded obedience. As the middle child of three boys, I was always motivated to please. My approach to love was a challenge in our marriage from the start—I expressed my love by doing things. Instead of sitting down and connecting with my wife by telling her about my day, I would spend my time doing the dishes, even if that's not what she wanted from me. I put my need to express love the way I was used to above my wife's need to be loved in a way she understood.
As a teacher, I was home during the summer to care for our son full time. It was quite an adjustment, and balancing my time was a challenge. As a newborn, my son required so much attention—bottles every three hours, fresh diapers, comforting him back to sleep. While my wife was home on maternity leave for six weeks, we split those chores. After she went back to work they were mine alone for the rest of the summer.
Even though we split many of the chores involved in caring for our son, my best energy, both physically and mentally, was going to our baby; my wife was getting the leftovers. She was understandably frustrated, but we both assumed it was just the natural process for a newborn. After a while, though, the position became untenable.
The fall of 2008 was one of the most difficult periods in our marriage. All the little cracks that existed before our son arrived were magnified. The time we took for ourselves became more and more scarce. Neither of us was thrilled with giving up our "me" time, so we ended up giving up our "we" time instead. Miscommunications and frustrations became frequent. Read: Why Having Children May Wreck A Marriage
My wife would request a time for us to just sit and talk, but I would say that the baby needed me, or that I had to complete the other household tasks (cleaning the kitchen, mowing the yard, doing laundry) that I couldn't do when he was awake. It was an intensification of the problem we had before the baby: I wanted to love my wife by doing things for her, but she wanted to be loved through our genuine conversation and connection.
Discussion
BookMama, I love that book. It was such a help to me when I had a baby last summer. Great offer for advice.
As a mom I LOVE this piece. It's so rare to see the bulk of the responsibility on the male foot (so to speak) and while he's talking from his perspective, it might as well be my own. My son is the best thing that's EVER happened to me... right next to my marriage. And neither one works well if I'm neglecting the other. I need to attend to both equally, know that equality has a way of evening itself out over time. Talk about interrelatedness.
Thanks for this post Mark, it helped me to remember just how my husband tries to show his love though doing... and sometimes I'm guilty of forgetting that he shows love differently than I do. Not that my way is better; it's just different. So thanks.
As a child, I can say one of the best things you can do as a parent is to love your spouse and model that kind of love to your children. It gives kids such a sense of stability to see their parents taking time for each other and loving one another. No child will ever grow up and say "my parents loved each other too much!". Well done. Someone once told me that all the problems you have before a baby just get magnified with a baby.
I've been reading a book I wish I'd had when my first child was born, "And Baby Makes Three." You can read more about it on the community blog at http://www.yourtango.com/200924241/love-life-after-baby.
I also found that having children really changed our relationship. In many ways it was one of the most stressful things that happened to us as a couple. We love each other much more because we love our kids, but we have had to work harder than ever at being husband and wife. You two seem to have done some of the most important things - acknowledging that you need to work to be lovers still and making dates to spend time together.
