Here's what the guests are REALLY thinking.
Whether you're there for the party, the romance or the open bar, weddings are — generally speaking — a blast. Yes, bridesmaids grumble about shelling out Louboutin prices for pastel taffeta, and the mother of the groom might have beef with the mother of the bride, but you wouldn't know it by looking at their beaming faces.
Weddings are inspirational: they rouse us to meditate on our own love stories, to feel our hearts swell as our friends find their life partners, and to wonder "When do we start drinking?" If thought bubbles could appear above the heads of wedding guests, here's what they might say:
1. Isn't this whole "giving the bride away" idea somewhat archaic?
2. Is that a baby bump or has she just gained weight?
3. I love how happy they look. Do they feel the way they imagined they'd feel?
4. Are they going to have an open bar?
5. Damn, my heels are sinking into the grass.
6. I'm so happy I'm not a bridesmaid.
7. Wow, the best man is cute. I wish I were a bridesmaid.
8. It's so weird that I slept with him in college.
9. Is the groom drunk?
10. And here comes Corinthians...
11. Hmm, love really is blind, isn't it?
12. Will I ever be the one up there getting married?
13. Yes, yes. Love. Yadda yadda yadda. Bring on the cake.
14. T-minus five years till divorce.
15. How many weddings have I been to where they quoted Kahlil Gibran?
16. I wonder if there's cocktail hour before dinner.
17. Please don't let them play the Macarena.
18. Do I really have to try to catch the wedding bouquet?
19. I WILL catch this bouquet. None of you bitches better get in my way.
20. I wonder how late the bar stays open.
21. I love her dress but I could never wear it—it would be all wrong for my boobs.
22. I hope they have good sex tonight. Do couples even remember wedding night sex?
23. Please don't let the best man give an incredibly awkward and inappropriate speech. And... there it is.
24. I spent $100 on a gift and I get fried chicken for dinner?
25. Thank goodness protocol gives me a year to get them a gift.
26. I loved my wedding!
27. I wonder if she told him about the bachelorette party "mishap."
28. This must be costing them a fortune.
29. Why did I order the fish? Stupid.
30. Why did I agree to split a hotel room?
31. I love the hora!
32. Are the center pieces for the taking?
33. I'll be damned. They played "Wonderful Tonight."
34. Maybe if I give the band $20 they'll play "Sexual Healing."