How To Break Up With A Man: Don't Be Ambiguous
Break-up advice: five essential tips about the right way to end a relationship with your boyfriend.
From Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry. Copyright © 2009 by Simon Oaks. Reprinted by permission of Adams Media, an F+W Media, Inc. Co. All rights reserved.
You know something is wrong between you and him, so do you just pull the trigger, kill this relationship dead and move on? No, take a moment. Look at what you used to have between the two of you and what you've got now. Make a list of where you two have gone off the rails. Seeing your problems in black and white helps you put things in perspective. Watch: Relationship Red Flags
The next question to ask yourself is do you want to put things back on track? If you think with some tweaking, you can get your relationship running smooth, then it's worth doing, isn't it?
You've assessed how you feel, now for the tough stuff. Talk to him about the way you feel and the changes for the worse you've noticed. Even if he's neglecting you, there may be a relationship worth saving. Guys get wrapped up in their own lives and that makes them dense to everyone around them. They may not even know they're doing you harm. Also guys are not talkers. His turning away from you could be indicative of his fears. He may be worried things are moving too fast and this is his way of slowing things down or it could be something outside of your relationship that's sucking up his energy. Either way, get to the bottom of the problem. But if you've tried getting through to him and you've tried to make changes for the better and it's all failed, then jump ship.Read: Break Up Etiquette: Dividing Your Friends
Hopefully, he'll respond to you pointing out that you two are in trouble, but there's also a chance he's not interested and he doesn't care. Then, whether you like it or not, you have hit the end of the road. If it isn't working for you, then go.
Check your happiness barometer. If the needle is pointing to storm clouds all the time instead of the smiley sunshine face and you can't see a way of swinging it back, then you've got a problem. Happiness is a state of being we all should strive for; after all, life is short and can only be made longer by misery. That's not a great way to attain immortality. If your job sucks and it's bringing you down, then change jobs. If you don't like where you live, move. The same applies to relationships. If you're miserable and you can't see a way around it, break up.
Ending a relationship is never easy and requires though and strength. It's going to leave a wound, but you'll eventually heal.
Make A Clean Break
OK, you've decided it's over. You want to start fresh and meet someone compatible. This is the real tough bit. Actually ending it. It's not going to be fun, but you have to be courageous. You have to actually say the words, "It's over." There can't be any confusion. There's no good way, but some ways are better than others.
Be Direct
If you want to end the relationship, tell him face to face. No post-it notes on the refrigerator for him to find when he comes home to an empty house or letters from lawyers. The only exception to this rule is if you suspect he may become violent. But at least leave a phone message explaining yourself. Read: The #1 Reason Guys Beat Up Their Girlfriends
Don't be ambiguous. I can't stress this enough. Too many women don't want to hurt their man's feelings or try to soften the blow, so they wrap the discussion up in vagaries. They say things like, "Things aren't working out right now, but that doesn't mean I'll always feel that way." He walks away thinking he's still got a chance when there isn't one or wondering whether the relationship is really over. The more humane thing is just to say it straight. Don't disguise what you mean.
Discussion
A very good primer for breaking up. If you need a little more help, or have an especially difficult-to-break-up relationship, go to http://www.LeavingHim.com
As far as the argument of public place vs. private place, I favor private, but that's when you trust the person not to have an explosive -- or even violent -- reaction. In fact, if your partner has ever been inclined towards physical abuse, you should absolutely not extend them the courtesy of doing it in person.
I must have a stone heart. I had only been broken up with (dumped I guess) once. Usually, I'm the one handing out walking papers (4 out of 5 ain't bad). When I do, it's on neutral territory during the day in a public location. I tell him that it's over because *you lied about selling coke all over the state* or whatever it was that brought me to my breaking point , and I hand him a letter saying all the things I just told him. I make sure that I'm in an apathetic mood so I am not swayed by anything he tries to say (like I am gonna listen anyway) and I make it clear to him that I move ahead, not backwards and I don't even want my own leftovers (yes...I say that...to people's faces... stone cold), and then I walk away and go somewhere so I can be alone and experience the grief of losing a relationship. My friends think it's not the best way, but I am a person of closure and when it's over, it has to be over for good. They like rehashing old relationships so they can rediscover why they left in the first place.
This is not even rocket science. Cutting it off abruptly can be very damaging. It's respectful to sit down with people and be honest. Girls and Guys try to cut corners because they care about the person in a lot of situations and they do not want to hurt them. Truth is vague and impersonal break ups can haunt someone for years. It is usually best to be honest and open. I can relate to this because I'm still haunted by a break up that happened 2 years ago. It happened over the phone, unexpectedly (to some extent) and I can speculate pretty accurately why it didn't work out but I'll never really know. It's like a demon I carry on my back. It actually even feels therapeutic to write this.
I have found humor enough to joke about it though which pretty much carries me through it!
you're always so much better telling him/her the truth. sure use your best diplomacy skills as you're probably already breaking their heart but someone you cared about deserves your honesty. so many times it's easier to dodge the tough conversation and try to spare the other's feelings but one knows from being on the receiving end of tough but honest feedback, you're always so appreciative. i say take the high road, muster the courage and be candid with why you're breaking up.
this happened to m,i dated a guy and in 6 months he engaged me but oooops after 3 months he broke up with me,what upsets me is he didnt want to say why hes breaking up the relationship.i have moved on but it stil hurts me coz i dnt knw what was the real reason.
Amen. I couldn't agree more with this. I can't stand a wishy washy breakup, left wondering exactly what it was that went wrong. I can only think of one breakup I've ever had where nothing needed to be said...we just both new it had run its course and was time to move on. Aside from that one, any time I broke up with someone I knew I couldn't be vague about it. Guess I didn't feel it was fair.
Um as far as the place, I have to disagree. Both times I've broken up with someone I did it in a quiet corner of a busy place, because it was crowded and I knew that they would behave themselves in public and I would be spared the fusillade of abuse or tears I might have received had it been in a more private place. Always consider a public place, especially when breaking up with someone who is really emotionally volatile.
