Diary Of A 23-Year-Old Mistress
Inside infidelity: how a young woman fell into an adulterous affair with an older, married man.
I was in his office, rug burn forming on my knees as he slid me back and forth on top of him. I could see photos of his wife smiling and laughing on the bookshelf and his desk. I'd thought about escaping when I first saw them that evening. Instead, I stayed, feeling nauseous about the person I'd become. He's just too charming, his presence too intense for me to resist. To be honest, my willpower is nothing to brag about. And it doesn't help that I'm falling in love.
We met at my first business conference when I was 23 and right out of college. He sat down next to me, smiling, burning my left cheek with his gaze. He had dark hair, a goatee and a scar on the side of his face. I shifted around for a position that would avoid the strange, immediate sexual tension. Our body language felt like foreplay.
He was persistent from the start, a quality I find extremely sexy. He shamelessly invited me for a drink in front of my boss. I assumed he was single because he mentioned his ex-wife and I was taken aback by my disappointment when he said he'd remarried. After drinks, he asked whose hotel room we'd end up in that night. I found him slightly ridiculous. "It was nice meeting you," I said, as he dropped me off.
A few days later, the flirting continued as he sent emails to my boss, cc'ing me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about what would happen next. When he asked me again for drinks I wanted to say no, but I trusted myself to do the right thing. Sort of. I thought since I was so anti-cheating I'd have no problem having one drink and going home with the halo still around my head. But deep down I knew this could get me into trouble. Dating a married man would make my previous scandalous date nights look like child's play.
I was relieved when he arrived at the restaurant—the tension from the conference was gone. "Maybe he'll be easy to resist," I thought. But one, two, three drinks later and it was over.
The cab home from our date was intense: the lights outside were blurred, the ride felt faster than usual. We continued the kissing that got us kicked out of the fancy lounge, and when he unzipped my pants and slid his hands underneath me I couldn't believe I was so weak. He doesn't know this, but I cried all that night, kneeling in my bathroom after he dropped me off. I thought about his wife at their house, about how I had lost my self-control. "Is this the type of person I am? Dating married men?" I wondered. I felt so guilty, and moreover, I felt guilty that I enjoyed it.
After the date I wrote to him saying it could never happen again. "If that's what you want," he wrote me. "Let me know if you change your mind." I didn't want to say no, but I knew I should—you're not supposed to date married men. But he'd figured out how my mind worked—leaving the ball in my court put me in control, or so I thought. After our next date at a swanky local jazz club, I went home with him.
Sliding into his bed, slipping under his dark sheets, I watched him follow me, muscular and handsome in the dim light. I knew he was older but not sure by how much. Already in bed together, I asked him his age. "Forty-five," he told me cautiously, as he lowered down on me and I felt the thrill of being with a man twice my age.
Discussion
Guys like this are the reason half the people of the US take valtrex now. Those that cheat don't stop at one, I have a few of those types I'm related to, it's juggling 3-4 if any. The more they scam, the more confident and smoother they get, be warned. I do think the only reason they get married is they know women go after married men more, fewer difficult dumpings as well. It was so bad with them that I married out of state just to be sure.
There seem to be some lessons here. One be really honest If she /he says no kids that is what it means and vice versa. If you have a change of heart the annul the marriage or allow the other the freedom. Loyalty not faithfulness See the movie straw dogs for an example.
So my situation is supposedly over??? Just recently as a matter of fact. This all happened just about 3 years ago. This guy started where I work and I trained him. I noticed he had a wedding ring on, but then he seriously went to the restroom and took it off. I did not say anything. For some reason I liked it. So after a month or so and after IMing a whole a lot, he invited me out to a dance club. During this whole time I was single at first then got back with my daughters father and well now single again. We went out that night and ended up at a hotel. (go figure) After a week or so his wife called me. I was so embarrassed. Him and I sat 2 cubicles apart. So I IMed him and told him his wife just called me asking what was going on. I could not tell her. I felt like that was his doing, and by that time I really did not want to stop with him. We did not see each other all the time but when we did it was surely a physical thing. I feel he is the kind of guy I want in my life. He is so differnt than my daughters father. After a while, he cut me off and said it was for the best. I said it was fine, but that I'm always here. So of course he comes back in the picture after maybe 4 months. So there we go again and at one point we saw each other more than twice in a week. We always text. Never got to the point to "I love you" though. However, the very first night we hooked up he told me "I love you". That was werid. About 2-3 weeks ago I met him at my middle shcool gym. I had no idea he played basketball there. We tried but something did not feel right. (yea gym??) We stopped and I was shocked cause that had never happened. 3 days ago he came over to my house and we did it and all. After doing that he said he can't do this. After he left we texted each other and I told him he can be honest with me and I would stop with him, he says he didn't want to stop with me but he had a heart to heart which messed him up. He said he does not know what is wrong with him and he has issues. I told him to follow his heart and that it was not with me but if he had a heart to heart and is doing this then he will not stop. It was either with me or someone else and that I like being with him. I honestly grew love for him even though it was physical. I enjoyed his company and he made me laugh and feel good. I even brought him over to my house when I was not single. I honestly think that he will end up texting me again, I don't feel that it is over.
I don't knwo what it is that I have someone who really wants to be with me and I end up cheating and for some reason end up with guys that are taken. He is not the first. He is the one that has lasted the longest. I am kinda hurt with this one because I really like him. I have trust issues and feel that all men are the same because all I have had is a 1 married man, boys who have girlfriends, and my daughters father who cheated on me a while back. I really want to tell this "married man" how I feel about him but I know it's worthless in this case of course. Just needing to vent.....lol.
When I was 19 I fell for a man who was 32 yrs of age and had a woman and kids at home. He at first lied to me and said he was single and he was always around so I never thought that he wasnt. We dated for about 3 months and then I decided I was ready so we had sexual intercourse, afterall our kisses were and foreplay was nothing but pure want of each other all this time, .It was only a matter of time before it happened, but we knew it would. Then soon I found out the news. Sure enough, he was married with 2 children. He was my first as i was a virgin until him. I was so hurt and confused and tried to break it off. But he wouldnt give up. He tried and tried until one day he followed me to a neighborhood store where he approached me and held me almost forcefully and I couldnt resist. I gave into passion and love. I was so in love and our passion was so intense that it did turn into I love yous, and I miss yous. All he wanted to do was be with me and I with him. We loved each other so intensly. He was my soul mate and he did break down walls. But i also teared down som eof his. In some sort of wierd way, I made him a better more humble person, he said. I felt guilty at some points, I felt shameful too, I felt jelousy also sometimes... but I couldnt let go and he wasnt going to take that determimnation either. Soon she found out about me and it only intensify our love... Our forbidden love... the hidding and the wanting of each other so bad. The missing and wanting of each other when it became almost impossible to see other. But almost... because he always found that way to make sure he gave me a kiss before the day was through and to tell me how much I meant to him. and those kisses were so deep that I knew he was telling the truth. Some encounters were short and some were long as we escape somewhere and he would tell her he would be on business or fishing. Those days were so short because we couldnt have enough of each other. We would stay up all night. I dont regret those days as the emotions were as strong and undefined but he didnt leave her and things got old after a few years. I was young and I needed to move on to make a family of my own. He loved his children too much he would say. And I know he sure did. and I didnt want to pull him away from his children either. But I have to admit, it was a phase of my life that brought me tears, laughter, love, passion, feelings, confusion.. it made me ALIVE!
I think that this is a brilliant article. I echo Lyz's last post insofar as I am very conflicted as to how I feel towards the author with respect to morals, ethics, and whatnot, but I am very much drawn in by her tone. In stark contrast to Allamess2002's boastful bravado, Rozen seems to be able to occasionally step out of her own shoes and examine her situation with a dose of objectivity and healthy uncertainty. This is EXACTLY the type of article that can give those of us who cannot relate to the situation at hand pause before indicting the 'dirty little mistress'' character. It's easy to either valorize her as the incarnate rationalization of an adulterer or to vilify her as the whorish home wrecker, but Rozen invites you to explore the grey area between these poles. And let’s face it, (wow, I can't believe I'm saying this in light of all the times it's infuriated me) she's just 23; I certainly didn't know my romantic ass from my elbow then. How would we feel if she were 36 or 45? I may be at odds with a number of respondents, but I'm sick to death of reading the same regurgitated 'wisdom' ripped from the pages of "The Rules." I like reading something that stays with me for hours, something I bring up to my friends. I thank Ms. Rozen for giving us her take, but at the same time I thank my lucky stars it's not mine.
Emily-- I would give you a hug if I could for all of this.
I can relate, big time. While I'm still young (I just finally "learned" how to drink) I'm involved in my second relationship with a married man. I've been out on my own for a few years now and am finally enjoying the independence. My line of work puts me in close contacts with a ton of males-- many of whom are extremely attractive, and also (unfortunately) married.
When I first left home, I was extremely old fashioned about a lot of things-- drinking, smoking, and cheating. There was none of the above. Lo and behold, Skippy didn't wind up being as strong as she thought she was. My first was a man in the third year of his marriage. It turned from a close working relationship to a personal friendship that wound up one night in a king-sized bed of a fancy hotel. But as if the act weren't bad enough, there were feelings involved, and one day, the wife found out. He managed to pull his marriage back together but --and against her rules of their staying together-- we never stopped talking, and we never stopped missing each other.
I swore that was the first and last time I'd ever stoop that low.
Then the second man --my boss-- came waltzing in. He puts the stereotype of "tall, dark, and handsome" to shame-- he is absolutely stunning. Hands down. Body of a god, the face of a GQ model, and a personality to match it all. Talk about great eye candy to work with. I had to slap myself on the wrist and tighten my choke collar when I noticed the ring on his finger. I said last time that there wouldn't be a second time. I lied.
Number 2 persued me in a matter of days, and I caved like a little girl. I couldn't resist his charm or his good looks, not to mention he's incredible in bed. But this still being a present issue, I find myself struggling to keep from developing feelings while I damn my luck for coming across another amazing individual who is taken. The guilt crushes me when the phone rings and I find myself listening to his wife's voice on the other hand. They married young and have been together for quite some time-- Lord knows I'm not the first and probably won't be the last. I found myself pondering their marriage and questioning why they're still together, listening to how he speaks to her and trying to figure out if he even loves her. I was criticized by a good friend for doing this. She said I have to right to question their marriage as the other woman. She's right. I do it anyway.
I feel like I'm split into two parts-- who I used to be, who is staunchly against this sort of behavior, and who I am now, who is enjoying it. I know how I am; there would be no remorse for any man of mine who cheated on me. But nothing stops me from sliding inbetween somebody else's marriage and a set of bedsheets. I wonder if it's because that I was taught that what I am doing is wrong that I feel the guilt; but because I myself don't entirely feel wrong for doing it, I continue with these habits. I constantly battle between wondering if I should get a set of standards to questioning if I have them and maybe I'm just too rough on myself about it all. I guess they call this "growing up".
Reading all of these posts offers valuable insight. I love what BigAl had to say about enjoying it all, and wildchild's note of caution about not expecting the person the leave his spouse (a girl can still dream, right?). But reading some of the posts, especially by Mols and Book, bring out that side of me that once put herself about affairs. Regardless of what the opinion is and who it is coming from-- these things tend to be difficult, and the reality of affairs (does he like me? will he leave his wife? will he cheat on me too?) tend to be overwhelming. It's a bad position to be in-- enjoying what you are doing but knowing that everybody around you (and maybe you yourself, too) think that what you are doing is wrong.
But I also believe that things happen for a reason... and either way, it'll turn out as a learning experience. You need to learn what makes you happy in life. You need to learn what's wrong from making mistakes. You need to learn what you truly want from trying out different things. And there's always a ton of mud to sift through before you figure anything out.
I'm definitely not proud of these affairs... like I said, it'd a love-hate relationship I'm sorting out with myself. And I hope I can figure it out one day.
Ladies, I appreciate all of your opinions.
I think when you reject the values you were brought up with, it is hard to know which ones to keep. You need to come up with a new moral compass. That doesn't mean you should do everything the opposite of what you were taught or just follow your feelings. It means thinking through what makes sense, what really harms other people and what is not as bad as you were told.
I think mistresses usually suffer a lot and end up being dumped. That doesn't change the fact that what they do hurts other people who don't deserve it.
You know, it occurred to me that if the guy's wife is his age, she probably CAN'T have babies. I would hope a guy wouldn't suddenly wake up at 45 and say, oh, we forgot to have babies and now you're too old, I better trade you in or at least get a younger, fertile second wife.
I forgot to mention that i was 20 and he was 33 and we'll be celebrating his 40th in a few days and im holding on to my last year of being in my twenties. We have lots of things NOT in common and we have also showed each other some great things of interest that we wouldnt have found out had we been in the same age bracket. So age is only a factor if you let it be :) We party, we go to car shows, we have dinner and a movie and we do things with his kids...we vacation, we go to theme parks, we see museums and zoos and gardens...we camp, we cookout, we go to friends weddings and we wrestle - you wouldnt notice the age difference except looking at our faces!
Started a "fling" with a married man 8 years ago and we are still together (and hes no longer married). However i didnt think for ONE SECOND that they didnt work out because of me. They werent working out before she even found out about me. And after she told him to stop seeing me, and he didnt, and then she told me to stop talking to her husband, and i didnt, she finally got the hint when she got served her papers. Not dont get me wrong, it wasnt supposed to end up like it did, it wasnt supposed to last when it started, he wasnt supposed to leave his wife, and we werent supposed to get "caught", but GOD works in mysterious ways and while in not a home-wrecker, but a home-arranger (as i like to call myself), it just worked out the way it did for the two of us to be soulmates :)
Girl, while your young you do things and learn from your mistakes and of course get judged along the way (my family, my friends, my co-workers), but in the end and when you "season" with age, you know every experience happened for a reason, good or bad, and you know what you will and will not do again :)
Actually, I think you pretty clearly were part of their problem. Yes, they had troubles before she found out about you, but they might have worked them out. In fact, he might have worked harder on his marriage if he didn't have you.
In any case, once she found out, she told you two to stop and you didn't and that was the final straw. It doesn't matter what you thought was supposed to happen, your did certain things and they caused other things.
God does not work by making people do the wrong thing.
Have you read the New Testament? Try "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
Thanks for all the comments, everyone! The good and the bad, truly. It's the back and forth I've went through in my head. For those in similar situations, I have to say isn't it amazing how impossible it is to remove ourselves? Despite it's circumstances, I hope every woman gets to experience an intensity and irresistibly like this at least once in their life.
In the meantime, a new chapter is unfolding in this relationship. Perhaps I will have an opportunity to follow up. Stay tuned and keep the comments coming. I feel like I have girlfriends now who can give me advice or encouragement (as some of you so sweetly have).
Live lively ~
Emily
I could honestly say that i am now 21yrs of age and i am falling for someone who is also married. When i'm with this guy, we do have our ups and downs being that yes we do consider ourselves as a couple and he is as well half my age but i don't give a s**t cause if you fall for someone u can't help but wanna be with them no matter what u have to put up with. Whether if their married or if they are dating someone else.And everytime i turn around it seems like his wife find more s**t on me everytime. I love being around him because i know him and his wife don't like the same things.He smokes she doesn't, he drinks she doesn't. I love to do/be everything she's not.Like sex, i know he been tired of f*****g the same woman for 20yrs. I dont know that may get boring for some men. And when they get exposed to something different in their lives, they began loving every bit of it! Which causes them to fall out of love with their marital spouse! May God see both of us through girl.
He may have fallen out of love with her. But the honest way to handle it is by getting a divorce, not by sneaking around with another woman. That just shows you that he's not that into you and has no plans of leaving his wife, no matter what you say about her.
Hi Lyz:. I disagree people getting their needs met is as old as time. Sometime what is needed is the feeling of being alive!!! Since we will never know what the relationship that people write about really are. We do not know what the dynamics will bring out.
The "sneaking" perhaps is an element of excitement lacking in their life!
so uh anyway...
mistresses, cheating, open relationships and guilt are things that aren't often talked about. This author was sharing her story, letting readers read about something they may not often read about .
I thought it was interesting. I didn't feel any need to judge. It's someone sharing her story. People cheat on other people all the time, but no one is allowed to talk about it without being shut down. Why are only people who do "good" things allowed to talk about their life?
Here's one thing I can't understand.
If you're having an affair with a married man there are two things you know for sure about him:
1) He lies to people he loves in order to get what he wants for himself
2) He breaks really important promises to people he loves, again, to get what he wants for himself.
So why do mistresses believe the guy about anything?
Your choices are disgusting and selfish. And the guy you're dating isn't doing you any services either, if he's cheating on the woman whom he vowed to be faithful to there is no reason for him to be committed to you either. If he wanted to be with you for more than an easy ride he would have done something about it by now. The fact that you have no feelings for the woman whose life you are crippling is devastating, don't you think that if she had no desire to be with her husband she would have asked for a divorce? She must have some kind of attachment to him, which you have just blatantly overlooked so you could enjoy your cheap thrills without remorse. It's repulsive that you have no guilt.
The fact that you posted a blog about this as if to justify and excuse your actions, blows my mind. Even I bought into your story enough to waste my time reading it. You have no excuse, love does not ruin other people’s lives, if it does then you are only in love with yourself and what makes you happy, not what matters to anyone else. I am glad I am not you and I will never make the same selfish, hurtful decisions that you have made.
These comments are full of love and compassion for all involved.
I wanna say this is horrible and your a bad person, but they have a open marriage, which is B.S. anyway. Might as well not be married at all. She must be too selfish to not want kids, maybe? Why doesn't he just leave her and be with you? He doesn't sound happy with her, what's the point of sticking around? Life is precious, and so short. I would hate for you to waste time with a man that won't give you what you truly deserve. To not have to feel bad about yourself, or what your involved in, or worry about her coming home and catching both of you. And most of all, I hope he isn't playing you for a fool. Maybe he is lying about her just to have sex with you. Do you really know him?, they say we really never know anybody in our lifetime. People can and will say anything to get what they want. No care about the one's they hurt in the process. I believe if he really is that miserable with his wife, and so happy with you he would leave her for you! Be careful.
@ Mols - Your comment was utterly uncalled for and you shouldn't judge someone when you haven't walked in their shoes. Furthermore, calling someone a pathetic loser and attempting to insult their intelligence for living their life without reservations or restrictions only makes me wonder what is holding you back from having an exciting life.
Moving on.
I too am a 23 year old mistress. I have been seeing a married man (that I work with) since the beginning of February. We have the exact same passion that you describe, same desire, and to be honest there are several similarities between my relationship and the one you describe. I will definately be bookmarking you to see what happens on your end. We haven't progressed to the "I love you" stage, and I would never, ever go to his house. He comes to my house because I live alone. He's 34, has been married once before and has two children from that marriage. He married again last October. I never thought that he'd be interested in me and he never thought I was interested in him...lol It was an amazing realization when we realized that we had been trying to get one another's attention and neither paid any attention to the other. I don't expect him to leave her for me, and they don't have an "open marriage." He's cheating and she would come close to killing him if she found out. Nonetheless, he's GREAT in the sack and the passion is breathtaking...So, I'm just going with the flow for right now. Although, just as you describe, I'm not really interested in other people...I am dating because I ended a 3-year relationship/engagement after he and I began seeing one another (my relationship sucked way before he and I), but I'm not going to sit idle while I wait to see what he does next.
brokenglass911- I am flattered that you took the time to make a futile attempt to insult me and insinuate that my life, although it happy and successful, may not be "exciting". It's obvious that you were very proud of your reply... That must've taken you all night. However, I have a right to my own opinion as do you, and if you and your buddy feel it necessary, or theraputic, to air your dirty laundry for the world to see, then I have the constitutional right to be heard, as well. Now.. in response to your comment.... I think you would agree that our ideas of what constitutes an "exciting" life would be extremely different. I have an extremely full life.... not always exciting, but extremely happy and loved... I was fortunate enough to model professionally for 15 years and travel the world... I have 2 degrees in business and art from college and made my bones with ladies like yourself when you were in short pants...Now, at 35, I live in the States and have a consulting firm of my own... I was blessed 9 years ago with my beautiful son, Ethan, and although his father (my husband at the time), are divorced, I can look him in the eye when we do interact because he respects me as a woman, and as someone that lives up to a moral standard... I am to be married in a couple of months after a three year relationship and know who I am, where I'm going and earn the respect of others by attempting to be someone worthy of respect... I am not claiming to be perfect by any means, so although my opinion may seem self-righteous, it is not because I'm a religious fanatic or Martha Stuart... I am just calling a spade a spade... FACT: This man is married to another woman and they have children together.... FACT: Although this prize of a guy is in an "open" marriage, his wife would kill him if she found out and the two of you have to sneak around.. (that makes ALOT of sense!) FACT: If this man can do this to his family, then obviously he has no sense of loyalty or respect for anyone and the fact that you are so easily sucked into someone like that says a lot about the apparent lack of respect you have for yourselves... I mean, honestly..... she said it herself... she wondered why she felt so awkward when she awoke at his house in another womans bed looking at pictures of their children and hoping she isnt't home early? Obviously, she KNOWS what she is doing is wrong, or there would be no reason to feel guilty and she wouldn't have to play house in another woman's bed... I'm hoping that the fact that you both are 23 may contribute to your immaturity about this matter but, then again, I was 23 once and never did I find it necessary to share anything with another woman.... least of all a man..... I was always able to get my own....
Thank you,
Mols
I have so many reactions to this story -
As a mom - I really distrust this guy. He's a lot older than the girl and older people can come across as more impressive than they are when you're in your first job out of college. He says his wife has agreed to an open relationship, but doesn't want to know any details, so the girlfriend has no way to check if this is true or not. Besides, he got the wife to agree to an open relationship after he'd been sneaking around having an affair for a while, which seems pretty scummy. He's been divorced before - did he cheat? And how in the world did a guy his age get married without discussing children? Is he just dangling that in order to get the girlfriend? Not that I'd want anyone I cared about to marry this liar. Third marriages have a 74% divorce rate.
As a wife - No one should ever feel they have the right to break up a marriage because it looks bad to them. It's very hard for outsiders to know what's going on inside a marriage. Real marriages go through difficult times and if you just look at them then, you might think they're terrible. A married person who wants to cheat is not going to be honest with you and tell you how much they love their wife or husband. They're going to talk about their problems and hope you fall for them. If you want to cheat with someone, you're going to want to believe them.
A man "who isn't going to tell you how much he loves his wife" doesn't love you and least of all does he love his wife. A woman who wants to keep a dog-faced liar, while casting aspersions on the victim as a "home wrecker" deserves the prize she is married to.
Actually, I think it is unfortunately possible to love your wife or husband and want to have sex with other people. That's just human nature. It is also human nature to slant what you say about your spouse without realizing it if you're intrested in someone else. It doesn't make you a "dog-faced liar" and it doesn't tell you anything about the person's feelings.
I think our society promotes a very idealistic view of love. You can love someone very deeply and still long for the feelings that come at the beginning of a relationship. Things like a person who adores you and doesn't know your faults, the feeling that you are one person and don't argue over silly little things, and spending time together without having to deal with the boring details of everyday life. At the same time, the love of the person who knows your faults, argues with you, and slogs through life with you is deeper and more real. It's just easy to forget that.
I don't think a woman who has sex with a married man is a victim unless he lies to her or she is very young and naive. A lot of the time young mistresses who are grown-up do seem to me to be surprisingly naive. At the same time, they know they are doing something wrong that might hurt other people and that doesn't stop them. So they're victims and wrong-doers at the same time.
I know, it's a hard but fun way to live life. I had the same experience at a younger age, and I loved every minute of it. It's an odd thing to say, but I totally understand your poit of view. It's soo bad, you don't want to be 'the other woman", but yet you're loving it.
I give you kudos, my dear, for being so real about it. It's great to see so many diffent points of view, especially one that I can relate to. If someone bad-mouts you on here, ignore them-you're grown, and you know what you're doing.
I only wish I hd the boobs to write like you. You go Girl!
It's good to discover new emotions and a side of yourself that wasn't there before...to feel wanted and desired and to share life with somebody. But why must it be with a married guy? I don't think you're trash, I mean, **** happens. But sounds like he can't commit, but he's also so indecisive he won't get out of a marriage that isn't working either. You could do so much better. So could his wife
This was really interesting to read. I feel a little conflicted about it. Being a married woman myself, it makes me a teensy bit afraid. But I am glad you shared this with us. I think it's important to hear all sides of the infidelity issue. I can't help but feeling like he's using you, but I'm not you and I'm not in your position. So what do I know?
Don't let the negative comments get you down! Just live your life, be in the moment, enjoy it, and write it down--it's all any of us can do!
Wow. Don't worry about being a home-wrecker because it doesn't sound like there was much of a home to begin with. They don't sound like they belong together, but be careful because it doesn't mean you two belong together either. But enjoy it while it lasts because the sex and passion sound amazing!
