The Smoking-Hot Reason To Avoid First-Date Sex
Why not having sex on a first date improves your love life later on.
The night's going great, you can't believe you're hitting it off so well on a first date, he's a great kisser, you take him home…
Whatever you do, don't sleep with him.
You've heard it before, but I'm not going to browbeat you about the immorality of going all the way on the first night. I'm also not going to say, as the London Telegraph does, that you're likely to drive away relationship material if, as the adage goes, the man "gets the milk for free." (If that drives him away, then be glad you're seeing the taillights.) No, take it from a man who knows: there's a hidden reason that—if you play it right—you should never have sex on a first date.
Holding out on the magic act for at least one night—and even for a number of candlelit evenings after that—will actually improve your sex life with the beau in question, both in the moment and down the line. When you know in advance that you're not doing the deed, you have no choice but to compensate by exploring the full range of the available possibilities—whatever you dictate them to be.
Setting up limits with new lovers makes both of you focus on the little luscious details that can often get rushed over in the enthusiasm to get it on (especially if you've had a few cocktails). And once you've let the sexual barrier be broken, it's harder to go back and work on the glory and wonder of engaging lips, of fingers tracing and teasing, and all the other delights that exist between first and third base. It's not that all men will ignore these things, it's just that a lot of them will be less motivated to give them the extra time once home plate is available.
By taking your time the first hookup (and several thereafter), you train each other to become better kissers, touchers, and lovers overall. You explore, you finesse, you linger and you discover.
The key, though, is not only that you don't have sex on the first date (71% of you don't anyway); it's how you break the seemingly bad news. For this maneuver to work, you can't yank on the reins after your bra and panties are already hanging off the headboard. It's vital that you announce it early, before you go anywhere near the bedroom. In fact, the absolute best time to tell him is the minute you've decided you want to fool around.
Understand that when you tell a guy that you're not going to have sex, he doesn't take it as a literal there's-no-chance you're getting in my pants; he takes it as a challenge, a chance to rob the gold from Fort Knox. From that point on, he'll not only want it, he'll want to get you to want it—and that will bring out the best lover he can be.
Discussion
I agree with Lolita. Why do people think "the grass is always greener" by waiting or that sex has to turn boring just because you had sex on a first date and wanted to continue with it later.
I make each day count and who knows what tomorrow brings. This whole "waiting" and "anticipation" business comes from the idea that life is something you're guaranteed. You're guaranteed the air you breath whilst you're living but you are NOT guaranteed that you'll be here tomorrow.
If you want to wait, then wait but don't live by such ridiculous "rules" set up by others. You will end up living the life of someone else. How in the world do you all think the whole "good girls don't" was ever started? Why do some people insist on turning the simple, enjoyable act of sex into crap like this.
So, a man wrote this article. Great! Good for you that you are searching for that perfect sexual experience and the "challenge" but you're missing out on a hell of a lot of good women just because you and men like you are so quick to dismiss them because they had sex with you on the first date. Some of you even play control games where you don't call the next day or my favourite - call "just for sex" because you know she's a "sure thing."
It is ALL mighty ridiculous, indeed.
I would consider any man who takes my saying, "I won't have sex with you tonight" as anything other than THOSE WORDS as a creep and frankly, quite weak, indeed.
Don't you have anything better to do than try to "prove yourself" to a woman who you are insisting plays mind games with you?
I am Aspergers syndrome and you know what? Life would be SO much easier if everyone communicated with the directness that we Aspies do.
There is a difference between rape and seduction. Nowhere in the article is force mentioned. In the scenerio presented you have 2 conscenting adults engaging in mutual stimulation. The goal is to stimulate and his goal is to perform at his best in order to get her to the point where she will reassess her limits and decide that she would rather have sex with him than not. What is presented here does not approach even date rape. If you do not have the fortitude to say "no" to sex once you have become stimulated then you have no business becoming stimulated until you want to have sex. A person's sexual wishywashyness is not grounds for a rape accusation. By the way I am a woman. But I take responsibility for ensuring that the limits I set are adhered to (unless the limit is no longer satisfactory to me).
I agree with the author. Although there is on occasion an overwhelming desire to sometimes want to rip eachothers clothes off and immediately satisfy lustful carnal desires- there is much to be said in delaying such immediate gratification. I sincerely doubt that any couple that has waited any respectful period of time(is it tomorrow yet?) to enjoy intimacy has ever wished they HADN'T waited. If you're right for eachother-the time will come. From a womans point of view(NOT ME),which I have to respect, it also helps to seperate those that want a real relationship from those that just want a good time tonight. I particularlly agree with the idea that the better you really know eachother*, the better you can enjoy and appreciate the sex. . . ......... * OK, most of the time. There has to be exceptions to all guidelines.Sometimes the *exceptions can produce ama-a-a-a-zing results.
"The challenge of course is willpower. I confess to getting a lot of pleasure out of convincing women to go back on their insistence that "there's NO way we're having sex tonight.""
There's a word for this, you know. Wanna guess what it is? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "grape".
This is something only a smoking hot person would say. Confidence can carry a relationship for quite along time. The better two people are at keeping a connection going without instant gratification, the better the sex will be again and again and again.
sometime if the chemistry is strong there is no way in holding ur self back even though it might ruin the relationship.
You can always hold back if you really set your mind to do so, even though the urge is strong.
Other things like outercourse? Isn't saying "Not on the first date" as arbitrary as saying "Definitely on the fourth date"? Sometimes the right time is the right time; sky rockets in flight and all that jazz.
Sorry, that was 2 Steve Carell movie references in one comment.
At Lolita,
Sex is like a dance, if you compatible, you will dance well together.
I'm all behind the author on this. It isn't about simply putting it off. He's saying that in the time it takes from the start of the first date until that point that the goldent doors to heaven have been flung wide open, that you both get the chance to learn more about each other, and not just physically, but sexually as well. First date sex is okay...but it doesn't leave me fulfilled. When my partner has learned how to tease and please me (and I her) then the sex is incredible. Until then, all of the petting, pawing, suckling, and other make-out tricks make for some really long and delicious foreplay. Besides, its always more satisfying when you've had to work your ass off for it!
