The #1 Reason Guys Beat Up Their Girlfriends
Domestic violence explained: 8 things you need to know about dating abuse.
Rihanna may think that she's back to making sweet music together with her battering boyfriend, but she is sadly mistaken if she thinks he will never hit her again.
Men who batter rarely do it once, even if they are rich and famous. So if you're in a relationship with a guy who has pushed, hit or slapped you once, take it as a warning sign. You can expect him to do it again and again.
Here's everything you need to know about batterers, from domestic violence experts Diann Ackard, a PhD psychologist on the board of Break the Cycle, an organization specializing in the treatment of domestic abuse, and Candice Hopkins, director of Love is Respect, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.
1. Batterers have an intense need to control the women they love: The biggest misconception about these guys is that they have "anger management" issues. They don't. They don't blow up at work or at the driver who cuts into their lane. Instead they have an overwhelming need to control their loved one—how she dresses, where she goes and whom she talks to. That's why, before they actually start using physical violence to stay in control, they are often constantly phoning and text messaging the object of their affections so that they know exactly what she is doing at all times.
2. Batterers do genuinely love the women they beat up: In fact, they are often obsessively in love with their girlfriends or wives, which makes them even more jealous and controlling—they just don't know the proper way to express it. They most likely grew up in a home where there was violence. Apparently Chris Brown hated when his stepfather beat up his mom.
3. Batterers actually blame their girlfriends for forcing them to be violent: There's a very good chance that Chris Brown, to this day, blames Rihanna for starting the argument that left him with "no choice" but to attack her. In his mind, she had no right to look at the text message from his manager, Tina Davis. A batterer will tell himself and his girlfriend that SHE provoked the violence by looking at another guy, wearing a skirt that's too short or not cleaning up the kitchen fast enough.
4: Guy guilt works. Women blame themselves for provoking their boyfriends: They get brainwashed into believing that they've done something wrong—"it was my fault for leading him to think I was cheating." Apparently Rihanna blames herself for inciting Chris and has been terribly worried about how the incident and criminal charges could affect his career.
5. When batterers apologize it's another form of taking control: Guys who beat up their girlfriends can be dramatically remorseful—crying, begging for forgiveness and promising to never become violent again. Flowers and gifts like Rihanna's reported "$50,000 forgiveness" bracelet, can be typical. The apologies can seem so genuine that a battered girlfriend gets completely seduced back into continuing the relationship.
Discussion
I was speaking with a friend the other day ... we both agree as many here and across our country are of agreement ... that there is never an excuse to hit a woman/girl / child ect.... I did find the article interesting as for many years I could not understand why my father hit my mother... however it was out of control ... she is right uncontrollable control... is very sad as in the end they love their women which makes it even sadder ... wish they would all get help and stay away from women until they do as they cannot control their jealous rages ... They should wear a sign stay away I am crazy jealous control freak ... is easy to pile on these men and I always have hated them however the article does lend to a tiny I SAY TINY bit of empathy that is only for those who do not understand why they do what they do ... hope u are not offended ... the ladies should leave them ..... and once seen they should get help .... Do they belong in jail depending on the assault YES absolutley and in Mandatory therapy ....
Has anyone here been abused by a woman??? Do you think women abusers should go to jail??? I dont ... I think the man should leave .... I was in such a relationship for sometime ... she always apologized she hit scratched threw things ect ect ... once I looked like Rihanna ...yet did nothing ... Why did she do these things ??? To this day I still dont fully understand ... she says she cant help her self she just gets angry ... funny thing is she gets so angry she blacks out or is in denial as some of these men as she says she doesnt remember ... I struggled to make her happy ... it seemed after i fixed the first issue another would arise ... I was always fixing me and all the things that upset her ... was very difficult as I thought I loved her ... I have never been in such a relationship however after this one I can really understand why the women stay ... when things are good they are great and we fool ourselves that it will never happen again ... Is hard when u feel in love with the abuser ... it is almost impossible to leave ... to leave is like leaving your heart you ache ... I think we who stay in the abusive relationship need more help than the abuser way more as when they done abusing they ok ... we have more issues I think potentially deeper and more complex .... Is Sad And a very difficult situation... Please everyone do you really think this was the first time he hit Rihanna ??? I DONT THINK SO .... am sure based on my experience this has been going on for sometime ... Why did she stay for so long knowing how he was ???? NO she is not to blame.... am only sharing that we stay and stay and stay until it goes really bad ... yet we blind ourselves knowing the truth yet hiding from it ... I understand why she stayed .. she was and is in love ... what does that say about her? what does it say about me ... we both need help ... Is sad ... thank god she left ... wish I had left earlier .... Just sharing my experience and to give some realness to this discussion as there is alot of love, emotion, pain, suffering, and happiness, all wrapped within these tragic situations with two sick p
A difficult, disturbing topic. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse -- see my article here: http://www.relationshipbreakup101.com/2009/07/need-to-breakup-with-contr...
This is directed at rowdygirl.
On what physcological expirience do you base this on?
I do agree with this article.
Men AND women can have such a difficult time expressing their emotions and it gets frusturating.
I am in NO WAY saying that the violence is acceptable, I am just saying that sometimes people need help and do not get it.
So I would REALLY: A) Check your sources B) Do not go opening your mouth if you have no clue what you are talking about. We get it. You do not like violence.
I've had formal training on this subject because of my job, and the above stated reasons are very valid. There is a "cycle of abuse." We know that majority of abusers were abused. We know that majority of abusers that were not abused witnessed abuse as children. It's a cycle, and there is no amount of therapy or intervention that can stop or change it. If you're with an abuser - he or she will never change. We know that majority of incidents are not reported and I know first hand that the incidents that are reported are usually just for one party to "get back at" their partner and the cases hardly ever see a day in court. We know that men very seldom report domestic violence as well. In the end, there is no excuse.
I was hit one time by one man, and I literally beat him as hard and as bad as I could and I never spoke to him again. And I tell everyone that I date, if you ever hit me, you'd better be prepared for an ass-whipping because you're not going to sit around and beat on me.
I have no respect for anyone who stays in an abusive relationship.
I'm sorry but # 2 is WRONG. Men who batter do not love their women. The abuse is about control, not love. I was with my ex for 23 years. He was controlling, mean, verbally and physically abusive and it was NEVER his fault. I was to blame for everything, according to him. He had no problem saying the words "I love you" but his actions certainly didn't reflect anything but hate. I got out because the violence escalated and I feared for my life. These men don't change their behavior; at least not for the better.
Please don't ever confuse love and control... they are not the same thing.
This was a difficult read as there are NO REASONS for GUYS to BEAT UP GIRLFRIENDS!!!!
I found it rather alarming and disturbing too that the article (and all comments) focussed only on women as the victims of domestic abuse- and specifically men are portrayed as the abusers.
I feel strongly that any form of abuse is a control issue. Often abusers have been a victim of abuse themselves and the cycle of abuse unfortunately continues on for years- often affecting the innocent lives of others (children, spouses, etc.)
My ex-wife (a 22 year relationship) was a victim of early-childhood abuse--- physical, sexual, mental, emotional--- involving her uncle, father, 2 brothers and mother. When she began to deal fully with the abuse early in our relationship, she would not only attempt to hurt herself but would also scratch, hit, kick, bite, and verbally abuse me. I have the scars on my body today as evidence.
I was told she did this as I was a "safe" person to do this to , as she knew I would only love her and would not retalliate (and never did) as she was trying to gain control over some aspect (or person) of her life.
After much therapy including psychiatric hospitalization, she was able to live a peaceful existence as we raised 6 children together. However, she never confronted her abusers which therapists say was a necessary step to recovery.
When her father became ill, she told friends she was afraid that if she did not have the opportunity to confront her father before his passing, she would take her anger out on me.
She missed arriving just minutes before his death. (Sept 13)The next 2 weeks following his death saw the old behaviors and control issues return and we separated just 2 weeks after returning from his funeral (Oct 2) even though we had just re-financed our mortgage and made several investments for our future (in early Sept).
Unfortunately, believing in the strength of our love, I represented myself in divorce proceedings which commenced Oct. 5 agreeing to everything for the well-being of our family enabling her to take total control of everything -- I lost my home, investments, belongings, and am fighting for our children and their safety. I watch in disbelief as she takes our children to the homes of those family members who abused her and have witnessed her abuse our children.
Unfairly and unjustly, just as this article assumes, men are seldom protected as the victims of abuse and are portrayed as the abusers!
The legal system and advocates of children's welfare often hastily and unjustly take the position to side with the female even if claims are made based on lies and manipulations. As an educator, I empathize with the abusive treatment that many women endure but I am more frequently becoming aware of situations( in today's society) where men have been abused by spouses (who were abused as children) yet the male's concerns and stories have been left unheard.
Men and women can be manipulators, control-mongers, abusers as well as victims of abuse. This article may have been as easily written substituting the word "guys" with the word "individuals" who abuse!!!!!!!!
sexy0021
Your experience and article are so tragically true particularly in cases involving a mother with borderline personality disorder and a husband whose been emotionally beat up along with the children. These 'Mommy Dearest Moms" can make themselves look so saintly in the courtroom, and win in divorce court big time. There are materials that have been written for going through a divorce from someone who has a personality disorder.
My father in law was the most emotionally abused, masculinity castrated, enslaved human being to his domineering wife would definitely does not like me at all and blamed my infuence upon him for some self-assertion that he demonstrated toward the end of his life. Now, when she speaks of him, it is always in terms of missing what he could be doing for her. The only kind of man that my mother in law even liked as a possible husband for my wife was someone who was almost if not was homosexual.
You are right physical abuse is not a gender specific issue. I watched my father abuse my mother and his second wife . I have also seen men who were so abused that it was pitiful to see. The statistics are not accurate on this issue because many times men who are abused don't report it. They sometimes think that to admit that their partner beats them is unmanly. and sometimes unfortunately when they do report it they are not taken seriously, this makes it seem that men being abused is less of a problem than it is. It is unacceptable for anyone to hit or otherwise harm another person. I work for a police deptartment and I see some of this first hand.
statistics also show that many women don't report domestic violence cases, so it is under reported for both sexes. While the 84% of domestic violence that happens to women might be a little off (maybe closer to 70:30), the truth remains that this is still an overwhelmingly female issue. I do agree that it is a problem if our society doesn't take mens claims as valid as women, and that it does happen to women. But I wonder why we are so insistent to make women into the abusers too? The numbers and studies overwhelmingly show that women are the victims here. Why is it important to undermine that?
Actually YourTango has articles focused on women as the abusers
http://www.yourtango.com/20086950/when-a-woman-hits-a-man
But statistics show that the overwhelming number of victims of domestic violence are women, at an alarming rate. Something like 84%, so I think it is completely fair to focus on how it affects women. Partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women in 2001. So you can see why we focus on women. Although the topic for men is pretty taboo. I posted a blog post last week to encourage people to talk about the topic there.
http://www.yourtango.com/200913769/i-want-hear-you
hey sexy0012 loved you'r comment as i was a child that watched my father being terribly abused both mentally and physically by my mother. she was that way to my brother and i also but dad really got it. thank's for bringing this up! so true ! happen's a lot more than people realize mainly i think because men are too ashamed to admit it. yes it is so wrong i still suffer from it and my brother and i talk about it alot. and, i have bad dream's too.anyway just wanted to say thank you for saying something that most people are to afraid to speak about. and am sorry for what happened to you'r ex when she was growing up and for you too as well as you'r children.it's something we will nnever forget but just keep trying to understand.
I'm curious reading this about the statistics on men who reform themselves. Surely, there must be abusers who learn how to stop abusing, just as there are alcoholics who learn how to stop drinking, gang members who learn to stop gangbanging, abused children who as adults learn not to continue the cycle of abuse.
I read a study today that said that 71% of teens think that if their boyfriend hits them its because they deserved it. http://tinyurl.com/arfaaa
I think there is a huge gap between perception of violence and reality. A lot of people accept violence as a norm because they think 1) he didn't mean it 2) he really loves me 3) I deserved it.
