How To Ease Mother-In-Law Conflict
Feeling tension with his mom? He can help; here's how.
Ah the mother-in-law. She loves her son and wants what's best for him, which may or may not include you. The cliché, of course, is that you and your man's mother will have a rocky relationship. She'll critique your cooking, your taste in clothes, the cleanliness of your home, your child-rearing skills, your career choices. While this may not be true in all cases, a study by a British psychologist found that 60% of women felt tension with their mothers-in-law, compared with 15% of men.
Psychologist Terri Apter studied 49 couples and 156 individuals over 20 years, and found that women felt their mothers-in-law were irrationally jealous, while the moms felt that their son's wives didn't understand where they were coming from. No surprise there. Apter attributes the tension to doubt on the part of the materfamilias—moms worry that they'll lose their sons to their new wives, that their traditions and ideas won't be valued. The best way to assuage their fears? Contact. Sons who keep in touch help their mamas feel included and reduce conflict between wife-y and mommy. Video: How To Get Along With His Mom
Of course, not all MIL relationships are strained. This week's New York Times Modern Love essayist tells of her incredible relationship with her lover's mother. After her boyfriend of a year dies, author Dianne Nottle developed a close relationship with his mother that lasted years longer than the one she had with her son. "In some ways," she writes, "I was a better daughter to her than I was to my own mother."
Discussion
my MIL, my opinion this is, is the very best. best as in very delinquent. the woman takes pride in using her son for financial gain. refusing to hold a steady job to survive by means of paying her bills, way of life independently. If a job is upheld, it is solely for purchases at department stores, buying wigs, for herself and the up keep of the home which he gave her. Up keep in , purcahses unnecessary accessories for her style of decor. yes he gave her the house , which we use to call home. Mind you, our family has expanded, need for room evident. Instead f renting, selling, he gave it to her. two house payments , her bills plus whatever she wants, the woman gets it.
needless for me to say a word about anything as a fight ultimately erupts between he and i. It has put a strain significantly on my marriage. Over time have learned to swallow and accept the BS. evety long journey does have an end
Years after serving her finances on fine china, he is about to loose the home she never contributed to, aside from creating exorbitant bills. Lovely.
A stay at home mom, not by choice. however he is always gone, has to work after all MIL has to remain happy. Sure she does.
making time as a family is not practical. MIL coughs he presents as the kleenex to her aid. NIce.
The story is so much longer. To lament will be pointless, had to share my MIL woes...woosa !
Did some one say marriage is a bed of roses?
Ok this is a question for my daughter. She married her high school sweetheart and they now have two children age 22 months and 2 months. It is a constant battle with her mother-in-law. Her mother-in-law smokes pot and both her and her husband drink to no end. The day that my daughter came home from the hospital they came over and stayed until 11 at night. She even told them in a nice way that she was tired and needed to sleep. Her father-in-law was so drunk that he passed out on the couch. She does not want to keep her husband from his family, but she has to protect her children. Just last week her husbands younger brother had a friend over that does drugs. He was 19. He left from their house and went to collect on his drug money. He was shot in the face and killed. Would you want your grand children in this environment? I stay out of the mix but I am concerned for the safety of my daughter and grand babies. Her husband does not do drugs or drink. He works and goes to school. He is always having to listen to his mother yell and scream at him about her grand children not staying at their house. He grew up in this environment so he doesn't see anything wrong. I am thankful that he is better than they are but hate to see this cause conflict between my daughter and himself.
My in laws are pretenders at their conveinence...they don't call or spend time with our kids, never call to ask how they feel or how was school today. They pretend as though they are happy when they see them come but seems more happy when they are leaving. My kids love their Grad parents and so I don't tell them any different to put stress on them.
I have a mother in law that tells me that I have stolen her baby.. After 8 years 4 kids and him turning 30 this year I thought things would have changed.. She still could care less about spending time with me.. I don't want someone around my kids that doesn't like me or doesn't "have the time" to get to know me.. She verbally is rude to me.. except now that she knows my husband (her son) won't take it anymore... but won't say it to me anymore.. she has written mean letters come to my house and has torn me up and down for things that are not her buisness.. I am a very clean mom.. I support my husband. Her husband left her when she had her fourth.. I think she is secretly hoping my husband will leave me.. But he and I have a very strong friendship/ marriage. She wants to take over when she is in my home and I won't let her.. why can't she just sit back and enjoy being at our home and not try to make it hers. She is rude and uncaring.. she has said that my husband can't think for himself. That I make all the decisions in our marraige. Number one that is not her buisness and number two we make all decisions together.. sometimes when we disagree we'll go with his idea and sometimes we'll go with my idea.. I asked her if she wanted me to divorce him and you know what she said??? "IF that is what needs to be" Who says that.. especially to someone's face???
To say it simpler my life would be so much better and easier if she would just go away.. Go bother someone else and leave our happiness alone..
I have the In Laws from hell! They are pathological liars for one and on top of that they are very dishonest people. They pretend to be one thing in front of people, but are the total opposite. They talk behind people's backs and then pretend to be their best friends. My FIL stole thousands and thousands from his own mother's bank account so he could buy a beach house, then tells people how hard he worked to get it. (the house)
They can't hang onto any friends because after a little while these friends find out who my In Laws REALLY are and drop them very quickly. They blame the world for everything, when in fact they cause all their own problems. Recently, they saw a lawyer about doing their will. When my husband saw them my MIL actually told my husband that once the lawyer told her that they would need to put the house in the kids names to protect it from a nursing home (in the future), she told the lawyer no way. She told my husband the reason is because she has heard that some kids kill their parent's for their home. Oh My God, my husband was SO insulted. He will never forgive her for that. She then went on to say that she checked with the lawyer to make sure that I couldn't ever get a hold of anything she decides to leave my husband. I confronted her and told her that I have never stolen anything in my life and I don't want anything from her anyway. I have had it with these people. We actually saw a draft of the will(OK we snooped) and my husband is devastated. His brother gets mostly everything and is the trustee for what little my husband will get. He doesn't have a clue what he ever did to them for them to do this to him. He has been good to them to the point of being extravagant. He has doted on them for years, but he didn't give them any grandchildren, which the other brother did,so that's being held against him. My husband is a professional man whom doesn't drink or do drugs. He has NEVER been disrespectful to either one of them. I feel so bad for him. He keeps saying that he doesn't know what he ever did to them for them to hate him so much. All we hear is how wonderful the brother is and how great their grandchildren are. They are flunkies who have no friends. My FIL spends a fortune doing projects around my Brother-In Law's house, but never does anything for my husband. Recently, my husband was laid off and when my husband told his father, he said to my husband," Don't come to me for money, the bank's closed". Can you imagine. My husband has never asked him for one red cent!!!!!
So the battle goes on. What I have said here is nothing compared to some of the things they have said and done to us. We are about done with them. My husband keeps looking for his father's approval though, so it could be a while until this all ends. (BIG SIGH!)
I love people and get along with almost everyone, but these people are certifiable. I have done everything in my power to get along with them, but I am done with them.
You should consider taking a look into the mirror, you called your brother in law and his wife flunkies with no friends. A self-righteous attitude like yours is not easily hidden, and I'm sure that is why they have snubbed you.
I do not think that is a nice or fair comment to make. Her story could be absolutly true. My Mothers family is riddled with mental diseases and many of them social disorders. Some people just love to create drama. My mother lived with her family yo-yoing her heart for many years before she just had to make the self-preserving decision to detach, and that is what I hope her husband can do, so that he can move on with his life. Please don't be so snide to people you don't even know!
Sounds like you need to stop obsessing about the will and how your In-Laws spent their money. It's tough for your husband, but he needs to learn how to stop pinning so much importance on his parents approval and enjoy the wonderful people in his life, like his lovely wife.
My MIL has always been hard to take, she was upset at our wedding due to i was young & she didn't want her son to marry me - she hoped we'd break up which we didn't. . she wasn't thrilled w/me cause of my age, cause she thought i was "too young and immature" . . . we proved her wrong.
we've been married 35 yrs. and she FINALLY told me about 10 yrs. ago, that she was 'wrong' about me, i wasn't a immature person when we married and that she was really sorry . . . ok, 25 years later?? HA .... she treated me like i was scum, even before we were engaged, ( "please wait a few yrs to marry her, you'll change your mind about her and she's way too young. ". .) ---luckily he has a spine and ignored her. I could write a book about how she tried to meddle, and manipulate us all this time, she does that to other family members but not us, i put her in her place within the first few yrs. of our marriage, my husb. backed me totally, and she learned to leave us alone & not try to bully / or boss us in our marriage. She became afraid of me, which was good!!!! things got better after we had kids, THEN she thought i was important person since i gave her more grandchildren!!! I'm now a MIL and treat my daughter in law like a friend, i've never criticized and refuse to treat her the way i was treated. I'm not a mean person but i would never treat people the way i was treated by my MIL . I just endured her cause she's my husband's mom. She's in a nursing home now, has dementia, and nice as can be!! everyone is stunned by her nice personaltiy . . . it's great talking to her , and it's sad , at 85, she's finally easy to be around!!!! ---the trick is, you have to stand your ground with ladies like that , let them know it's YOUR life and your husband's and not to meddle and interfere. take it from someone who knows!! ha.
I have a MIL who is just not that into me. She is always finding news about me whether true or false. She did not attend our wedding. She has moved from here state to live few houses from us. She started visiting us unannounced and has been prying in our lives like hell! I told her to give me a break and get out of my life because she annoys every bone in my body. She doe not help me with the kids. She only ask for them when she wants to take to show her coworkers! I tell you since I have asked her to leave me alone, we are so much better off.
