Open Marriage Is Not A Fad
Open marriage blogger Jenny Block responds to the essay, "Monogamy Is Good, And It's Here To Stay."
"Monogamy Is Good, And It's Here To Stay." I was leery about this piece the minute I saw the title. But as soon as I read it and saw the word "fad" used to describe the kind of relationship that I have been deliriously happy in for years (and the kind hundreds of other people I have met have been in for decades) I knew I was dealing with a classic case of fear and misunderstanding—a dangerous mix. I thought I might simply reply in the comments section, but I quickly realized that I had way too much ground to cover. So, below I have gone section by section in responding to Ms. Cline's piece. [Ed. Note: To read Cline's piece, click here.]
Why aren't you in an open relationship yet? Carla Bruni Sarkozy, wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, famously "prefers polygamy and polyandry." In July, Reveal magazine quoted Will Smith as saying that he and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith allow each other extra-marital dalliances. Oprah did a segment on open marriages. And both YourTango contributor Jenny Block and Village Voice sex columnist Tristan Taormino have brand new books out on open relationships. All of this talk of free love is enough to make chicks who prefer old-fashioned monogamy feel a bit, well, old-fashioned. But if history can teach us anything, the open relationship bandwagon will come and go, which is a good thing because most women still benefit from and prefer monogamy.
Cline's opening question immediately gave me pause. This is the tone of someone who feels either uncomfortable or threatened. Surely no one is actually asking of Cline, or anyone else, why they're not in an open relationship, which me wonder if perhaps Cline is questioning herself. I have never suggested, and would never suggest, that anyone in a monogamous relationship is old-fashioned, and I have repeatedly assured my readers that I have no problem with honest, intentional monogamy. I have been told that to those on the outside, people in the open relationship community can come across as a smug group who think they're more highly evolved than the monogamous. I am saddened to hear that, but it's all the more reason that reading and writing on this topic is so important.
The truth is, it's the lying that I think is a racket. And, if history can teach us anything, which surely it can, it's that open relationships aren't going anywhere. They've been around since the dawn of time. If it seems like they come and go, that's only because the press coverage wavers, not the relationships themselves. The fact that Tristan and I both had books come out on the subject this past June certainly brought it into the public eye, hence the appearance of a suddenly new popularity.
Discussion
Monogamy is not old fashioned nor is polyamory a new fangled trend. The last name Fitz- attached to a baby denoted an adulterous or non-legal birth of a noble. So this has been the "norm" amoung humans for many years...so is monogamy. Monogamy worked for my grandparents, my parents, my husband's grandparents, my lover's parents we know it works and we know it is not wrong or un-natural it is what works for those relationships. We know through history that having a mistress works and there are many accounts where wives were perfectly happy to know and have dealings with their husband's Mistresses...and that the wives were also free once child bearing was done to do the same.
Speaking of childbearing there are many accounts of childless couples in the past bringing in others to provide the children.
I know that some of the poly crowd would love to push the idea that being poly is the only "natural" way to be human and I am sorry for them actually. I believe, personally, that to be naturally human is to desire to experience any number of permutations of love...hence the old "college fling". To be human and natural is to think for one's self and make decisions about life and love for one's self. If you are happy and committed to being monogamous, whatever your reason's are, then you are natural and you are in a wonderful place! If you are happy and committed to being polyamorous, whatever your reason's are then you are also in a wonderful place.
I agree with people who are tired of being judged wrong or faulty just because you choose a different path. For myself as a pagan, homeschooling, polyamorous, stay at home Mom I say if you are happy where you are then God bless and keep you. Monogamy is not easier than polyamory, both are capable of being enriched by total honesty and openness regardless of who you sleep with.
I also agree with the comments that saying poly can't work for the majority of people is just as bad as calling poly people names...it can work for anyone who wants to pursue it. It just simply isn't necessary that everyone desire to pursue polyamory. It also isn't necessary that everyone try vegetarianism or living in a commune...if you have the desire then great, work it with everything you've got. If you don't then be happy where you are.
Saying most people can't be polyamorous is not the same thing as calling people names. It's a viewpoint about human nature.
Obviously polyamorous people don't all see things the same way. :-) Another poster is talking about how some people are just made to be polyamorous and it's not a choice. If that's true, then polyamory isn't something that can work for everyone.
My personal point of view: human beings are made to both want their partners to be faithful and to want to have other sexual partners ourselves. Most of us aren't going to find a partner who will agree to that arrangement. So we have to choose.
At the same time, I think that for most people the choice to allow their partner to have sex with others is going to be too painful. I think for most people, opening the relationship makes it more likely to break up. I know there are people who have found otherwise, but I have never seen a study that compared the rate of break-ups for polyamorous people with divorces. Some polyamorous people aren't concerned because they see the point of a relationship differently and it's okay with them if it might end or shift. The problem there is that some people might open up their marriage thinking they're going to strengthen their marriage or fix some problem, but instead they lose their marriage and it isn't okay with them.
I am not an overly religious person and I don't attend church on a regular basis so please don't think I am a Jehova's Witness knocking on the door here. I just don't understand where the morals are in the relationship, what is the point of being married to a man that you are hurting? The marriage vows are not being honored. It sounds incredibly selfish of you to choose to live this way. I think that children would have an incredibly hard time dealing with this, eventually kids will figure things out. I am sure it will have some effects if only to let them know that marriage means nothing and we can do what we want without any sort of consequence for our actions. What exactly is the point of being married if you want to have sex with and "love" a whole bunch of people? Now if you were to find another man or woman that you wanted to "love" would they join the party and hurt both of the people that you are in a relationship with? What if the ones that you love gave fifty percent of their life to another? Would you be fine with sharing them emotionally? I personally believe that we can not do what we want in this life and sleep with whomever we want and throw all rules and morals and meanings of sacred vows out the window and say, "oh well, I have needs and that is that". I don't know why you feel that being married is something to take so lightly. I am hoping this is just a "fad" because I see nothing good coming out of hurting all those people that just stick around and take it and taking the meaning of marriage and throwing it out the window. I also feel you feel that because you can not be faithful you feel no one can be. Cheating is not hardwired in us. It does take A LOT of work to be in a real marriage but self control and mutual respect is something that a relationship must have. Monogomy is not impossible for all of us and it just seems that you feel that way because it is impossible for you. I hope that everything works out for you and I do hope that you don't end up hurtung yourself and those around you when it all falls apart.
"Open relationships work for some people, monogamy works for others. This isn't a competition. Not for me anyway. They both can—and do—work." -
Jenny, you don't really stick to this. Your articles are full of the suggestion that monogamy is "highly unworkable," that cheating is more normal than "true monogamy", and that the divorce rate is so high because people are trying to be monogamous. I don't believe you when you say you have no problem with honest, intentional monogamy, although perhaps you are being defensive.
And why is lust a natural drive but jealousy just something we're taught? Silverback apes don't let the young males near the females. Jealousy is pretty widespread in human cultures and across history. From what I've read, polyamorous people spend a lot of time soothing their partners or controlling their own jealousy.
I know it's anecdotal, but after many years of marriage and watching other people in different kinds of relationships, it seems to me that monogamous couples are more likely to stay together. I've yet to see figures on how often polyamorous couples break up, but I bet it's higher than 50%. In fact, some proponents of polyamory don't seem to see that as a problem - life is about change and they're not trying to have one lifelong partner. That's okay, but then don't judge monogamy by a different standard.
Your last comment shows how stuck in the mono mindset people can be. Which is the poly "couple"? By being poly it suggests that more than two people are involved? So if one walks away is it a failure? What if one walks and other joins? In a way, there is no "failure" in poly, just moving on. Only when you say "I will love and be with you and only you for the rest of my life," can you truly measure failure. The rest is totally subjective. By saying that "I will love you and I may also love others" simply means that love "wins". However, since it's not a competition or a zero sum game, I'd prefer to say that "love happens."
The reality is that every couple is different and all couples make compromises in various areas to varying degrees. All polyamory says is that we are open to falling in love and maybe even sharing sex with other people and if that happens it doesn't mean that our relationship has to end.
I heard it said once that isn't interesting that legally, marriage is a contract yet, it is the least negotiated contract that we have. I say, let's open it up for negotiation.
I'm curious if we have something going on where we can push politicians to get this lifestyle if not legalized at least decriminalized. My spouse has mentioned on more than one occasion that this is an acceptable lifestyle and I've warmed up to the idea over the years.
So how about it. Why not decriminalize or legalize it?
After all, we're already redefining the definition of marriage. If that's good than why not this???
Really great to see this discussion going on [between the writers] ... Personally I agree more with Jenny; . Also would like to reiterate that it's not a competition! We should have freedom for everyone to love in a way that works best for them, that is their true self-expression. For many years I tortured myself trying to live in a world that to me said 'monogamy is the only way' all the while feeling that I just didn't fit in, would be a failure at relationships because it seems I was never content in monogamy - and NOT for lack of trying - and so I wonder how many other men and women struggle with that because of social pressures ...
I don't disagree with Ms. Block's general defense of polyandry... nor do I disagree with Ms. Cline's defense of monogamy. It is up to the individual to decide what is right for themselves.
What I do take exception to are people who aren't ashamed of throwing around blatant factoids to support their arguments. In this case, Ms. Block is even guiltier than Ms. Cline.
Ms. Cline at least put forth the effort to back her views up with some research in the form of topical cultural references (weak) and discussions with experts in the fields of human behavior (mediocre). In contrast, Ms. Block's arguments are peppered only with personal anecdotes, over-simplified analogies and vague historical references that not only are incorrect but also emphasize the fact that she has no real understanding whatsoever of history.
Ms. Block's position would have been far more sympathetic if she'd stuck to what she actually knew from personal experience. Instead she tries to hint that she knows more about human behavior and history than Ms. Cline and wound up making herself look very foolish.
"Polyandry refers to when a man has multiple wives."
Exactly backwards. Polyandry is a wife with multiple husbands.
Polygyny is a man with multiple wives.
I'm sure it was a simple typo.
As a man who was invloved in an affair for over 2 yrs before being caught (after 25 yrs of fidelity to my wife), I can tell you with certainty that thier are serious consequences that MOST people (regardless of whether they support open relationships) never take into account when they endeavor to make that leap into non-monogamy. Without a discussion about the root causes of infidelity (or non-monogamy) I can assure you the relationship is doomed. My experience is that the end of many marriages start when one or both partners refuse to listen to the needs of the other. This may or may not include extra marital relationships. Once a partner realizes that they are not going to be heard indifference sets in and the relationship is in peril. A breakup or in the case of marriage a divorce is emminent if both parties refuse to acknowledge the other persons needs.
Even if you and your partner are open about discussing the potential for trying this I would bet it is very rare that either person would say once they jumped in with both feet that both were satisfied with the result. One of the characteristics that make humans different than animals is the emotional component. In the end most normal humans want to love and be loved by another person who feels the same. Regardless of our physical drive to bed another we are attacted to, being initimately involved with more than one woman or man has consequences that you rarely understand or appreciate until you cross that bridge.
It is easy to intellectualize that you need the freedom to expand yourself, grow as a person, develop other relationships, etc, but in the end our most primal instinct is to feel less important when our key partner ventures out and spends more and more time with another person of the opposite sex for sex or intimate conversations. You have to know at some point the marriage will implode as one or our both will feel betrayed as the third party demands more and more time from that person.
I think it funny when the proponents of open relationships try and intellectualize the debate, rarely discussing the emotional components that are intertwined into us. We can say we love our partner and want them to be happy (whatever that means, even being with another partner) but in the end the damage is done, we feel cheapened by the experience and untimately unable to come to grips with the reality that our partner may leave them for the other person.
For the majority of people, open relationships will never work regardless of the arguments made here. That does not mean I advocate that everyone should at all cost disregard ever discussing or trying it. On the contrary I commend this website for having an open and honest discussion of this topic. It is obvious that this issue is here to stay and we must continue to deal with it.
Like other important life decisions it is paramount that those interested in this lifestyle truely have an open and honest discussion with thier partner before engaging in these kinds of relationships. Otherwise like with other high risk behaviors the consequences can cause devastating and long lasting effects on all aspects of your life.
It would be very interesting if this website could track the lives of 10-20 couples who have engaged in this lifestyle (regardless of how they were pulled into it). I would suspect that in most cases it was not something both parties were interested in pursuing. Most times one unsuspecting partner is dragged into it but it would be interesting to see the details of how they got into it (ie - how the subject was introduced and under what conditions). After they are followed for 1-2 yrs (regardless of the outcome - good or bad) an autopsy is done on the relationship for all to see.
I think when others have an opportunity to see the details of the day to day lives of people engaging in this lifestyle it will become very clear whether they want to venture out and experiment with there lives in the same way.
Marriage as a human institution is and has always had its challenges, but so do open relationships. Neither leave you with daily feelings of ephoria however we can learn from the past experiences of others and what works and why so that we can all make better educated decisions about what may work best for us. Isn't that what real meaningful personal growth is all about?
"For the majority of people, open relationships will never work regardless of the arguments made here. "
Why do people make such blatant, brash and unfounded statements? Where is your data? How do you know what will and won't "work" for the majority of people? First of all, how do you define if it "works?" What is the length of time they have to be together? Do all of the poly relationships have to remain intact for it to "work"? If a new pair bond is formed is that a success or a failure? What if multiple relationships come and go? Then what has worked and what has failed?
If I may quote Dan Savage, "...all relationships fail, until one doesn't" What we have to allow is for people to live their lives as they see fit. Polyamory is simply an alternative to the traditional serial monogamy lifestyle, or the pretend monogamy-cheating lifestyle like you had. Poly simply says, let's be honest and open to what is and what can be. If it's not for you then leave it alone. If others decide to try it, how about leaving them alone as well?
Noted in the article that Taormino's "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" is an "intimidating" 300 pages ...
and I see on Amazon that Jenny's "Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage" weighs in at 288 pages ...
Gee, I've gotta say, first, that I don't want to be in *any* kind of relationship with someone who can't cope with that many pages about relationships and sex.
Maybe there are flash cards for monogamy? "Forsake all others!" "Cheaters never prosper!" "Fornication is a Sin!"
I think even people in monogamous relationships benefit greatly by full discussions of what they are setting aside, and why.
Okay. I am not uncomfortable or threatened by an open relationship. I don't understand why if someone says they like monogamy you can't give them the same tolerance that you expect other people to give you. Judging monogamous people so harshly just brings that judgment back around.
