Against Cheating: A Man's Perspective
A serial seducer admits that "monogamy is a majesty worth fighting for."
I'm single, 40, and have dated more than any good man should. Add to that the fact that I love women, I love seducing, and my ego is clearly invested in the power it gives me, and something tells me I'm not the man you'd think would advocate devotion and fidelity. But the truth is, I'm a closet monogamist. It doesn't come easily, it might not even come naturally, but at the end of the day, I think monogamy is a majesty worth fighting for. Many of the reasons are obvious—the comfort, having a good-guy reputation, the regular and maybe even condom-free sex—but there are some that might surprise you.
One of them is the fight itself. Monogamy is one of those rare things where both the reward and the struggle alone each justify the effort. Striving to be monogamous helps us focus on things that make us better people. Of course socio-biologists want to say that men have "natural" inclinations against monogamy, that when we were still wearing pelts, there were no relationships and the survival of the species depended on our attempts to impregnate as many hominid females as we could. Could be true, but what of it? In the same way that today I choose to grill my buffalo burger rather than eat it raw—and enjoy it a hell of a lot more that way—cultured man can benefit by not simply giving in to his prehistoric impulses, because now his nature is something different, larger. We've evolved so that sex can—and should—be a lot more than just the delivery of semen, and monogamy helps set us on that course.
Don't get me wrong: I'm aware that being monogamous is a lot more challenging than lighting a charcoal grill. I confess to having the stereotypical male skin-level desire: my eyes see, sometimes my insides shudder, and a few times a day some part of me can't help wonder what it would be like to sleep with this woman or that. We all know that most men are like this, but the civilized among us make themselves as immune as possible. The tougher thing to describe is the psychology and identity behind that desire. It took me a long time to realize how much attention I need as a person and that, despite all the confidence I have and successes I've had in various quadrants of my life, a lot of me still just wants to believe that I'm liked. As men we're taught to be independent and self-sufficient, but few of us are or can or even should be.
We need others for all kinds of reasons, and part of us needs to know that we can affect them. Seduction does that – for both men and women – giving us the sense that someone wants us, endorses us, will let us influence them. We know that men often try to seduce women like they try to make money, for power and prestige, but when you look deeper, you see that it's more than just belt-notching: sex and seduction help us believe in ourselves, form ourselves, and that can be a tough thing to give up.
Discussion
I disagree with the author that infidelity is always a symptom of a problem in the relationship. I think that sometimes it has to do with an individual's own problems and has nothing to do with the partner. A person can be so insecure that he/she is always looking for attention from others...and it's never enough. And if that person is so untrusting to actually discuss his/her insecurities with the partner, then he/she can enter a secret world which can easily include cheating. Sometimes it is caused by a deep emptiness that can never be filled and the person stays on a quest to find as many people to fill that hole to prove he/she can be lovable. Having an actual, loving, committed partner can even be threatening because it is too intimate and the person really can't share him/herself to another person in such a deep way. Self-disclosure, true intimacy, trusting enough to let down one's guard, and letting go of the ego is just too difficult for some - it is more comfortable to get involved in superficial encounters.
This is a no-brainer. Men cheat whenever women fail to meet their needs. This just shows the growing epidemic of the me me me generation of feminism which teaches women to care for their own needs at the expense of their partners. Whenever you fail to take care of a man's sexual and emotional needs, the man will no doubt look to get his needs met elsewhere.
Ask a woman today to cite her needs and she will name off a mile long list of wants. Ask that same what what makes a man happy and either she can't tell you or she'll name things that no man really cares about.. The fact that the majority of women fail to realize how important sex is to men just shows how selfish today's women are as lovers. It's no wonder men cheat. They have very little to look forward to at home: http://www.scribd.com/doc/21733512/Principles-101
Wrong. Studies show that men who are happy in their marriages and satisfied with their sex life STILL cheat. I encourage you to review the evidence before you so readily shove the blame on women. That kind of attitude is not helpful to the discussion and merely puts us back in the gender blame game.
If a man is dissatisfied, he needs to work with his partner to fix the problems, not look for the answers outside the relationship. The same goes for women.
Also, the women I know in committed relationships know what their men like and know what makes them happy. Women have as much of a sex drive as men and its up to both partners to achieve a balance in their relationship. This isn't the fault of a gender, its a break down of many things.
Also, cheating used to be institutionalized in relationships and that was back when the husband had the legal right to force his wife to have sex or divorce her. Clearly, the issue is a little more complex then just "blame the sexless women."
Dead on! And the anger shown is appropriate. People have evolved since we were wearing pelts so why shouldn't their sexual habits. Non-monogamous relationships destroy thousands of lives everyday. They help to spread disease and often increase the toll on society by creating children that are not cared for by their parents.
Redram-- I think you should see some sort of therapist to work out your anger issues with religion. Maybe even with monogamy? I just sense a lot of anger with your post, and I can say that its not very attractive from where I sit. I don't know what your situation is, but I think that you could use a chill pill before posting. I'm sorry you feel so jaded, but I don't think its necessarily fair that you blame religion for any fault you see with monogamy itself. There are plenty of atheist that are monogamous I would imagine.
I feel for this man, but what I think is lacking in many modern relationship is the glorious concept of self-restraint and true respect for our partners. Its not all about satisfying our immediate desires anytime the mood strikes us. Sex is only a fraction of the entire package when it comes to relationships. These days its pushed out front as the spokesperson when it is not prepared to be the CEO of the relationship. Sex should be icing on a very delicious cake, not some mushy excuse for cake itself.
Boredom, sexual stagnation and whatnot are all normal, predictable side-effects of marriage and monogamy. This doesn't give ppl license to screw around! It gives them license to be creative, innovative and interactive with their spouses/partners to create new and interesting ways to love each other. Its like letting soil get dry, and caked in the garden. Without nutrient-rich soil there can't be new and interesting flowers to bloom in every season of life. If you focus on your partner and re-energizing the love that is the baseline of the relationship then you can never fail in the bedroom!
What I'm saying is that this man (in the article) perhaps could not find lasting happiness because he got too interested in "all the new flowers" versus cultivating rich, fulfilling soil in which he could plant a relationship. If you are a jack of all trades (so to speak) you are the master of none. Focus, self-restraint, and honest-self evaluation is what makes monogamy work.
Sometimes I wonder if people are too lazy or just too selfish to work at relationships? Really, what gives?
Hello everyone out there that cares to listen to this one! My husband and I would have been married 30 yrs this July 21, 2009. But this January while away on business decided to have an affair on me. I beleive this was in fact happening as way back as Oct2008, and mabey sooner as way back as may 2008 since thats when the first of seven headcleaners were installed on our computer. He even went so far to buy a program to install on our home computer a G.P.S. to track me down that's right folks a g.p.s. tracking system oh! BUT NOT FOR ME !!!!but for him to locate me when he wasen't to be found himself .This way here he could know where I was at all times and he could do his thing with his Betty Boop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO THE STORY ENDS SHOULD I kick him to the curb if I can get him to move out, or keep him for security and live my own life out
which could include a new prospect and all that life has to offer being said money to do whatever, travelling
whenever not Including him always. Thank-you all for listening, as I await your responses.
redshoes2009@live.ca
Since he is so fond of keeping tabs on you do the same to him. Hire a PI and have his current activities as well as any past indiscretions investigated.
Be prepared for what you find. You may be mistaken. It may be that you are so injured by the single act that you have become suspious or you may find that it has gone on longer than you suspect.
Either way, if you want to save your marriage I suggest that the two of you seek counseling.
If you do'nt want to stay with him talk to a lawyer in your area. I don't know the laws in your area, but where I live after 30 years of marriage you would be entitled to enough in a divorce that you will be secure.
Redshoes,
I'm sure you feel like your whole world's been turned inside out! I'm sorry that you life has taken this turn and I am just writing to make sure that you have GOOD FRIENDS that will help you with your decision making. If you indeed have the choices you mentioned, then you have a lot to consider.
A very short term solution may be for you to ask for a few weeks to consider your feelings and options while he stays with a relative or in a hotel. Or, maybe you should take an extended vacation, however I would contact an attorney first so there's no question that you are abandoning your house, kids, assets, etc.
Marriages can recover from infidelity if both partners are enrolled in making the marriage work. It's difficult to trust again, and I admire those that have worked together to stay together. Only you know what your tolerance level is for having your trust betrayed.
Kicking him to the curb is easy, but I can tell you it won't satisfy any vindictive daydream you might have. I am a really nice person but I have an active imagination. I am happy, almost every day, that the guy that cheated on me and then dumped me is now really fat, bald, childless and has a cow for a wife. I know that's not nice, but my evil side really gets a kick out of it. He wanted his OWN kids and I was sterilized after my second child was born. They have CATS!! So many of them that the board of health got involved. He's allergic to cats, didn't like my kids and felt he could "do better" with a younger woman. Moooooo!
My girlfriends helped me through the angst and I'm a much stronger person now. Are you managing okay day to day?
I'll be thinking of you!
Is it just me, or are alot of these articles trying to justify a mans cheating right. The bottom line is this: If you know you don't want to be with one person all your life DON'T get involved! If you can't control or want to control what's between your legs, DON't get involved! Just continue to float around from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship for the rest of your life with others that feel the same way. A REAL relationship is hard work and takes maintenance! I believe in a REAL relationship, People should not give up so easily on eatchother when you hit a bump in the road. And of course take the easy way out and cheat. All of you cheating, meaningless relationship people do the rest of us a favor, break up with us like a human being first, then go so your oats elseware. Don't even waste our time, OUR LIVES are on the line.
I don't know about the rest of you, but this continued segregation of the sexes ("Man's opinion on..." "Woman's needs for..." etc) is starting to really annoy me. Not ALL men feel this way. Not ALL women think this way. This woman's perspective doesn't reflect mine. This man's values doesn't echo mine either. So why this continual appeal to essentialism? ("All women"/"all men" etc).
I know we like to separate the sexes, but I don't think that men and women have to always be separated so clearly. There are lots of supposedly "male" perspectives that I find myself identifying with; and lots of "female" ones I can't. Judging from these comments, I'm not the only one.
And what about homosexual desire? Or transgender people? Why are all of these articles on heterosexuality? And with such clear and mainly stereotypical gender roles?
I'd like to see articles that explore a more nuanced idea of relationships: like what Lyz says, "I don't think people who are for open relationships are for cheating" -- why not include that perspective? Writing about women and men, of all persuasions, and of various stripes, too -- these are the experiences that make life interesting, after all.
Thank you for this article! It was good to read a well thought out argument for monogomy where religion wasn't part of the conversation. It helped to open my eyes!
There is more to a relationship than just having sex.What happened to love and affection, trust and respect?
yes i agree totally its about having the right partner you can share every part of your life with.
Infidelity in any relationship is betrayal of love and trust and the partner is not worth the trouble.
Communication is key and helps partners to discuss their dreams and fatasies and work out how they can be brought to life or fufilled.(if it is possible and both partners are comfortable with making it a reality)
Call it being old fashioned or what ever i strongly believe/ agree with the writer (A guy unbelieveable) that monogamy is worth fighting for,not necessarily cos of your partner but also your self respect/ reputation{Not mask} not to mension safety.
Thots
moi
I think it is a shame that we are stuck with this relationship killer called monogamy.
This was something that was forced on the masses by that other killer called religion
Let's be real here people....we are animals just the same as all the others on this planet, we are more advanced animals....we have technology, we have tools, we have stress, we have suicides, and we have infidelity.
I think it is time to drop all the masks that we wear and just accept the truth of what we are and why we are.
Get over the sex, get over the god issues and let's work together to advance the human race. If you want to be poly that is fine with me, if you want to be mono that is fine too....what is wrong is you telling anyone how to live or act.
A man's sexuality is at the core of his masculinity and self-esteem without a doubt. There will always be temptations for both sexes. There will always be someone out there who will go out of their way to tempt you, as a means of fueling their own self-esteem needs.
In the end, infidelity is only a quick, easy fix. It shows weakness in the person who succumbs, and if you really want to boost your self-esteem you would go home and teach your spouse how to help you fulfill what you are lacking.
We have to learn how to teach each other how to please us, not only in the sack, but in our lives.
~Best Wishes~
http://openyourhearttothelove.blogspot.com
Thank You so much for writing this. This comment on monogamy is the best one I've heard yet. I recently lost 3 friends all of whom I'd known for over 10 years all behind a man's self-esteem and it's ties to his sexuality. I'm still in great pain because of it.
The temporary fix of an orgasm, and boost of self-esteem caused 2 of the 3 to ignore the facts of bonds, safety, respect or friendship. When people don't care, harm is caused. I don't care if people don't want monogamy. If they don't, then that's fine, just don't make promises of fidelity to another.
Woo Hoo! Awesome! And written by a man, mind bender!
As far as relationships becoming mundane. I am a firm believer in sitting down and communicating expectations, obligations, desires and fantasies. Make it a point for each of you, every so often, writing down a list of fantasies and dreams then exchange the list. Never laugh at the others wishes, or make them mundane or stupid. Use your imagination on how you can make it the most pleasurable experience for both of you. You might be surprised at your partners desires and how fun and exciting it can be. There is just too many possibilities of enjoyable sex to become mundane, not to say it doesn't happen, relate, communicate, don't wait for them to make the move or initiate. Don't assume....ever!
Relationships are not about you or them, but about 2 people the us, the we. If you don't have a minimum of 30 sexual positions in your common sex life, including mind blowing explosive sex without intercourse, then you need to add, explore, gain knowledge. If your mate is saying no more than yes then you are not doing something right. You can't go else where unless, as a couple, you are happy, fulfilled, complete. So again, monogamy is possible, with communication, exploration, education, and pleasure (not just sex) that's the key!
Just My 2cnts
Lynda W
This is a co-dependent manifesto. If he thinks that you can find your true self through another person, he has another thing coming. You should never look for completion in another person. That is an unfair burden to your partner, it is co-dependent and doesn't account for the fact that we all fail, we all screw up. If you are looking for someone to complete you then you are never going to allow them to have down time and less than perfect moments.
We choose monogamy because of trust. Because trust is the number one most important thing in our relationship, because I could not do this day in and day out, be the mother of his children and his wife and work, if I didn't know I could trust him completely with the most intimate part of me.
i have to disagree mango, i think what the writer is pointing to is the self reflection of the bigger picture that relationships bring out of the individual...it points to being human and having normal attractions to other people, but making sense of the urge, controlling the urge, and remembering why you took the commitment in the first place...its that huge sacrifice that your partner may never know about that is root of the trust your talking about...no one is perfect, and we are all always learning and coming accross obstacles. we become better when our life partner is the motivating factor to choices bigger than ourselves.. we trust that our partners can overcome these obstacles on their own, or that they will have the gull to say something before acting. no offense, but often its the people who have a rigid 'all or nothing' blind faith relationship that they wake up 10 years later and wow, "i can't believe you've been having an affair"...no one is 'complete' when they marry at 20...30....or even 40...In every relationship we find a part of ourselves, so to think we are pre-programmed robots 'ready' or 'not' is absurd..unless your perfect:D
