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How to tell your spouse you want to open the marriage.
By Jenny Block
Last updated on Mar 11, 2024
I've been having a tough time trying to decide in what order to answer your questions and respond to your comments. There are so many terrific ones and I promise to do my best to get to them all. It seemed to me that it would make sense to answer them in "order." That is, from the beginning stages of opening a relationship forward. So, this week, I thought I might start at the very beginning with a question that I get all of the time. Unfortunately, it's not an easy one to answer. Here's how the email usually goes:
Dear Jenny,
My husband/wife and I are interested in opening our marriage/relationship. I want to talk to him/her about it. But I don’t know where to start. I'm afraid he/she will misunderstand and leave/be angry/be sad. What should I do?
Best,
(Fill-in-the-blank)
If you're in an honest, loving relationship, you should be able to talk to your partner about anything. That doesn't necessarily mean he or she will feel the same way about the topic as you. But they certainly should be willing to listen with understanding and without judgment. That, of course, can be difficult when it comes to this subject, as some people believe that it isn't possible to be in love with more than one person at a time or to be intimate with people outside of a primary, committed relationship. But it is possible. Maybe not for everyone. But there are lots of successful "alternative" relationships out there. And that should be an assurance to you both.
The trick is this: you have to be willing to bare your soul and accept that you don't have control over what your partner's response might be. Before you talk to him or her though, you must do some soul searching of your own. That is, to identify what it is you are truly seeking. Do you want to simply sleep with other people? Do you want to fall in love with other people? Are you ok with the thought of your partner doing these things? What might that look like in your life? Are you interested in being swingers, in being polyamorous, in living in a group marriage?
Are you still in love with your current partner? Are you looking for a way out of your marriage or relationship? Do your homework. Read the books. Visit the websites. Spend time thinking about what it is that you want. You will have lots to explore and learn together once you broach the subject. But your partner’s going to have questions — a lot of them. And you need to have at least a few of the answers. When you do finally talk to him or her, be sure it is in a calm, happy environment when neither of you is in a hurry to get somewhere or are already stressed to the max about other things. And you certainly don't want to bring it up during a fight.
Begin by assuring your partner that you love him or her. Explain that this is not about leaving them or loving them less. But instead about exploring how you might enhance your relationship and grow as individuals. Don’t expect it to happen in one sitting. Taking one small step at a time is key. There is so much to talk about. You will have to take it at whatever pace is comfortable for the two of you. And you won’t know what that pace is until the conversation gets underway. Remember that giving your partner a chance to digest what you’re saying and do his or her research is as important as the actual conversing that you will do.
Beyond that, all I can tell you is how it worked for me. My husband and I talked ad nauseam for months about how we felt, about how it would work, whether it was a good idea when we would attempt it and how would we do it. But the truth is this — we didn't know what would happen until we tried. All we knew was that we loved and trusted each other enough to give it a shot. The thing to remember is this: we're talking about the person whom you loved enough to marry, the person to whom you can say anything, the person who loves you unconditionally. Talk to them. Talk to them. Whether or not you decide to open your relationship, you just might be surprised how good it feels to, well, open up…
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Jenny Block writes for several regional and national publications, including the Dallas Morning News and American Way. She's the author of Open: Sex And Love In An Open Marriage.