My Friends Don't Get My Relationship
For one woman, non-monogamy is an understanding, not necessarily a practice.
A few weekends ago, my girlfriends and I decided to have a drink night. For most girl crews, drink night usually starts out with a few friendly cocktails and pointless compliments on each other's outfits (the question, "oh my god where did you get that?" is a surefire sign that you need a few more drinks in you to make the night more interesting). Soon enough those friendly cocktails ended up being more than a few harshly honest pitchers as we started to commence into the dirty ritual every woman has been guilty of enjoying: talking crap about other girls. From "she's way too tubby to be wearing that," to, "he's way too hot to be doing her," we ranted on and on as if we were Perez on The View. We were cruising No Mercy Street. Eventually we started to soften up as we got onto the subject of our good friend Jesse, who had broken up with her more-than-perfect boyfriend Jeremy. It had turned out that Mr. Perfect had been cheating on her for six months with his hometown friend.
During a fifteen-hour train ride from Philadelphia to Orlando, Jeremy was taking a nap and Jesse decided to check her Facebook on his iPhone. Suddenly a text message reading, "I cannot wait for you to be inside me," appeared from a mysterious contact labeled "K". Still in denial, Jesse thought that maybe it was one of those inside lets-pretend-we're-gay jokes he had with his buddies. But after fuddling around with the screen she finally got into his inbox and discovered multitudes of dirty messages from "K". By the next train stop it had all come out. "K" was Kristina, an old fling from high school, whom Jeremy had been sleeping with for several months. His only explanation was that it was only sexual. Jesse made him get off at the next stop and find his own way to Florida. Then she gave him three days to move out of the apartment as soon as he returned to Philadelphia.
Good for her, I thought. My friends were shocked Jesse reacted so calmly. When she returned to Philadelphia she didn't talk about the breakup and moved right on. My friends started to dictate the proper solutions.
"She should at least give it a cry."
"Yeah, she needs closure."
Consecutively, each of my friends professed, "I have never cheated," followed by confessing, "Oh I've been the 'other' girl, but I would never cheat." As all eyes laid on me, I debated on whether or not I should be honest with my friends or just pull the innocence card. Instead I said, "Maybe they should have tried an open relationship, I mean, after all they started out long distance." My friends gawked at me as if I were Judas at Jesus' table.
"Liz, you're either with someone, or you're not."
I was immediately annoyed by that statement. First of all, I have had my fair share of being cheated on and cheating. But second, how could my friends judge me for suggesting a relationship based on openness and options right after a marathon of gossip and even confessing that they have been the 'other' girl? It was such a double standard. From then on, I decided to keep my mouth shut whenever the subject of monogamy ever came up.
Discussion
I told my friends but they just don't understand, and sometimes I wonder what they really think about it. It sucks that you have to hide it from your friends :-\. Sometimes I wonder if other people who think that are right, but then I come to my senses when I think about what I want and what my boyfriend wants.
Absolutely. Our friends are all fairly open-minded, and most of them are some stripe of LGBT, so while none of them seem too bothered, they all also say they couldn't do it. We're quite the topic of conversation when we're not around, but it's not mean-spirited.
There is something ntoxicating about knowing your guy is attractive to other women and yet he comes home to you. Same is true for him.
If she didn't have the sexy message to flash she'd have related another incident or just reveled in the feeling of being with an attractive sexy guy. It doesn't have to end in jealousy.
Some people WANT to hear all the details and don't consider it to be rubbed in their faces...if they don't like it then in an open relationship they have the right to ask for the details to remain sketchy.
As far as discussing this with your friends, it's a shame they seem to feel serial monogamy is fine but open discourse and honesty is wrong...talk about backwards priorities!
I'm afraid to tell our close friends, also. Any alternative lifestyle is hard to accept by mainstream people. The saddest thing is, some of them might be in open relationships, too, but are afraid to tell us! That is the irony of it all.
Frankly, I'm with your friends. Unlike you, most people get jealous sometimes and hearing all the details about other liasons is just going to do more harm than good. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to other people or even flirting with them, but why rub it in your significant other's face?
Good for you! Go with what works for you, although it is tough that you can't share your life with your friends. I'm sure that there are more people than you think that will understand your relationship. I find that I can't talk to my 'closest' of friends about my relationship, however friends that I just meet seem to understand better, there's nothing they know about you so they are more likely to understand and not balk at your situations and relationships.
