Open Marriage: One Man's Surprising Take
One of Tango's reader has chimed in with his approach to open marriage.
One of the most popular articles that we've ever had on YourTango was written by Jenny Block and discussed the taboo and personal topic of open marriage (click here for it). This topic and the author's experience have inspired a bunch of comments from our readership. We received an eloquent argument in favor of open relationships. We're not saying that we agree with Anonymous Coward but we think that he has a very measured approach to an unbelievably tricky situation. Feel free to comment here or on the original article.
I read through these comments, and I see mostly hatred, shame, and guilt from the "happily monogamous" crowd, and mostly sharing, loving, and life from the "you go girl" crowd. (Check out all Open Marriage Comments). My feelings are definitely leaning towards the "you go girl", and here's a slice of my life, so you can decide for yourself why I feel that way.
My partner and I are in an "open" relationship, in the sense that either of us can, at any time, take a lover.
We have a few ground rules, of course, the most important of which is the honesty inherent in the relationship. Without honesty, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no relationship, because there is no relating.
Speaking as the male in this scenario, I would like to point out my personal feelings on the subject of this article. If my woman were to meet someone she liked, were to want to have sex with that person, and the other person was similarly inclined, I would be offended if she did not pursue it.
Allow me to reiterate, for those who missed it the first time: I *want* my woman to "sleep around". As a matter of fact, it would upset me if she were to *not* pursue physical pleasure, if it was offered, and she wanted it. If I thought that she had turned it down out of deference to me and my feelings of jealousy, or out of some sense of duty to me, I would be absolutely horrified.
Our household runs on rational thought. Our feelings, just like everyone else's, have little to do with rational thought. This is an enormous barrier to communication, but if you can figure out how to surmount it, then you're in a very good place.
We communicate constantly, and to be quite honest, our external "affairs" are few and far between. Having the freedom to have emotions, on the other hand, has made this one of the easiest and best relationships I've ever been in. The honesty was specified up front, the trust built on that, and we have been quite happy for over 7 years now.
We have found that intimacy and sex are not synonymous. We have both been in relationships where sex was a substitute for intimacy, and found them lacking. We have both been in abusive, controlling relationships, and found them to be unhappy and unhealthy. I have the (ahem) special privilege of having been on both sides of that, having been both the abuser and the abused, at various points in my life.
Discussion
Ownership issues seems to be the difference between younger and older. Time and maturity tends to give one a different perspective about the guidelines that border relationships beyond jealousy. In all honesty "She" becomes more important and the things that make her happy rather than "I/Me/Mine". Once beyond the ownership and jealousy traditions of monogamy, you find that it's really ok to share. It doesn't diminish her in your eyes, you in hers, and women are that much more able at multitasking than men. In fact it makes her that much more vivacious knowing she can command the attentions of men other than the one vowed to "love, honor and cherish. If you can't get beyond immaturity and jealousy, you're right, an open marriage is not for you.
galois45 -- My partner 100% completes me. I am not in an open-relationship (but I'm not against them).
Fun fact: Humans and penguins are the only two living things that participate in monogamous relationships.
Here's another fun fact: Every living male is programed to "spread their seed." This is to get as many females pregnant as possible to continue and perserve their kind.
So, in other words, open-relationships are completely normal.
I don't think this type of life is for everyone by a long shot. In my case I was 54, but in excellent shape when I married my wife who was 19. I was concerned that as a friend told me ...I might be "robbing her of her youth". In addition I was worried I may not be able to "keep up" with her sex drive. In actuallity that has not been a problem as being married to someone as hot as she is has inspired me....apparently. Even though she was young she was definitely no bimbo....graduated third in her class when I put her through college. We've been married nine years and have three kids and are both very happy....so we must be doing SOMETHING right. I had entertained the idea of an open marriage so she wouldn't one day look back and think, "wow. If I just hadn't gotten married so young, I could have.........whatever". One day we had a threesome with a freind of mine and I was amazed to find out it really as in REALLY turned me on watching her receive pleasure from another man.Shortly thereafter she mentioned that one of her professors was hot and I blew it off with something like..."really?" and so she said, "No I mean this guy is REALLY HOT!!" and so I laughed and told her maybe she should pursue it," and we had several conversations about it...the effect if any on our marriage...etc. Finally I told her for her birthday I thougth she should treat herself to this guy. When she came home that first night after being with him, I was incredibly turned on. I had never seen a woman so completely wrecked. Her hair was a rat's nest and all matted to her cheek with c*m , her blouse was completely unbuttoned to the waist and her bra and panties were hanging out of her purse and she had this wasted far away stare in her eye. I jumped her almost as soon as she got inside and it was the wildest best sex we'd ever had. That was almost six years ago. SHe saw him about once every three months or so and then he moved. We had one more threesome and now she has finally found another boyfriend she sees about as frequently. I've already been with a lot of women and so I don't feel the need to be with someone else....although she says I have that freedom...and if the opportunity arose I may embrace it...although I am not out there looking for it. I think humans are far too complex to be monogamous and I think it is incredibly arrogant for someone to think they could ever fulfill 100% of another human's needs. My wife has no problem at all getting out of her lover's bed and coming straight to mine....but we realize not everyone can do this with no problems.We are not swingers and we don't do this all the time....like I said....maybe once every three months or so.....if that....the sense of freedom she enjoys is a sharp contrast to most women's and we are aware of this....but ours is not a fear dominated marriage like a freind of mine once told me..." Man if I was your age and married to something like that, I'd never let her out of my sight.".....I just don't think like that....I don't own her but find myself incredibly lucky that she wants to share my life...and I want hers to be as full as possible. WIll there come a time when one of us says...." Uh look this isn't working any more and I want to go back to a more conventional marriage.?....maybe....who knows.....is there a danger she m ight fall in love with her boyfriend an leave me....well....I doubt it....both of her boyfreinds are "players" and neither was looking to be tied down....is this for everyone? no.....but it has certainly worked for us
Whoops, I guess I should have read all the comments before posting my own.
to Jen:
I think you may have missed my point. My partner (I'm evidently not allowed to call her 'my woman' anymore) and I's relationship is based on honesty and trust... it seems to me that those items were sorely lacking in the experience you wrote of.
to Baron:
Actually, I'm not married... but she is. We've been living together for over 7 years now, and we're both here because we choose to be. If you can't understand or accept that, then it's no skin off our backs. I would like to point out that neither of us seems to mind not having a piece of paper to prove our love for one another, and as for the religious aspects of marriage... well, keep your church out of my bedroom.
to jaye:
I understand your point, but would like to point out that, in her own words, "I don't see 'my woman' being any different from 'my wife', 'my spouse', 'my girlfriend', or 'my friend'. I don't see how being referenced as 'my woman' is any different."
Sorry if you found it offensive; as we are not married, I was trying to find a way to describe her without being clinical and simply labeling her as 'my partner'.
To those who have expressed kind thoughts, thank you. To those who have expressed disdain, dislike, or other unharmonious attitudes, I'm just glad we don't have to interact anywhere but this website.
Also, I would like to express my surprise and thanks to tangomag for choosing to preface my comment with a single paragraph, and call it an article.
Here’s a secret: If two people have a solid marriage and each is committed to and values the other no matter who else enters the picture, then giving their partner the gift of freedom to love others, too, frequently causes them to love their partner even more for giving them this gift. The abundance of love they receive as a result of this generosity engenders more love and gratitude. This is how it works in my life and the lives of many, many other polyamorists I know.
I feel significantly more secure in my polyamorous relationship with my partner than I ever felt in either of my supposedly monogamous marriages where cheating led to a lot of heartbreak. T doesn't have to cheat if he feels a strong connection to another, and neither do I. Knowing that we have this option makes us both very happy and appreciative of each other.
A_C,
It sounds like you and your partner are not married. If this is the case then you cannot compare a living together relationship with a marriage. Like it or not, marriage changes the mindset of the people in it for it brings out all sort of expectations that are the product of upbringing and personal beliefs. I'm not bashing living together relationships, but like it or not, they don't have the same societal value that marriages have because marriage is an institution with a proven historical longevity despite present divorce rates.
"Open marriages" have a dismal track record and it is much harder to find examples of successful ones than it is to find examples of successful traditional marriages. Even Jenny Bloc alludes to this when she states that she and her husband do not have other folks they can use as guides, who have successfully preceded them.
Another thing about open marriages is that at least one spouse will eventually feel short changed by it, and this usually happens to be the husband when the reality of sexual supply and demand hits him right between the eyes. The fact is that it is much, much easier for a wife to acquire lovers than it is for a married man to do the same. When a husband gets frustrated at his lack of success to find another woman to be his lover and sees that his wife has a slew of male lovers, he will understandably become envious, resentful and may eventually lead him to leave his wife and file for divorce, especially if his wife refuses to end the open marriage. So unless a husband is fully aware of this sobering reality and still willing to go ahead with it, he is signing his marriage's death sentence.
Before everyone thinks that this guy is so with it with his open marriage--what the hell is all this "my woman" s**t?
She is her own person. Anyone in any marriage worth discussing would know that she isn't "his" woman. She is a woman. And I hope her own person.
"My woman?" My ass.
No 2 people are the same, no 2 relationships are either. "normal" is an illusion, further, mocking what you don't understand just shows the world your own insecurities. if open marriage works for you - perfect. if you need a traditional closed marriage - that's great too. if you want the historically more common, abet guilt ridden, affairs - well you aren't alone. we recently opened our 12 year marriage - we were bored you say? ooooh yes! but rather than let it tear our relationship apart we're using it to expand. i agree it might sound counterintuitive, but it has made our relationship massively stronger. i don't worry if he's cheating. i don't feel guilty flirting when i'm out with friends. because we don't have to hide, our relationship is more secure and we are happier.
on a last note - safe sex everyone! protection 100%
Also, Coward, you can have intimacy (cuddling, caressing, murmuring, focusing 100% on each other, getting inside each other’s hearts and minds, sharing life and love and warmth and happiness) without sexual promiscuity. Well, maybe not you. But normal people can.
And to the anonymous coward, my ex-boyfriend at one point in history, thought just like you. I have him to thank for 2 STD's. Asswipe.
I still very much disagree, find this kind of a "lifestyle" to be completely shortsighted and wrong, and if I have to keep reading about it on this site I will cease coming here.
I agree with Cyclops. It sounds a lot like being bored. So there are now two things that people confuse with boredom: mono and the need for a open relationship.
I've read many of the comments on the original article and here, and it really does seem to me that the people who want or started practising open marriage are basically just bored people in lengthy relationships looking for novelty. If your marriage is that unfulfilling to you, why don't you just leave it instead of having sex with other people and pretending that was JUST the thing that you needed? I would love it if Jenny Block would respond to this. All of the couples who posted that they were in open relationships were like, "Oh, we've been together for 8 years..." Why don't you just admit it... you're bored. There are ways you can work on your intimacy that don't involve having a total stranger play with your hoo-hoo.
i'm not into the open thing either but A.C. presents a thoughtful case ... good that there is a forum for stuff like this. i actually found myself thinking about this as a possibility where i never had before. i've seen a lot of hype and crap on this stuff that is out there - can't relate and don't care. despite his own self-given moniker, i laud A.C. Seems like it takes a considerable amount of trust, etc to make this sort of thing work. and maybe the reason it does is b/c since you know you can have it, you don't crave it. no forbidden fruit, so to speak.
I never thought I would be the one arguing for monogmy but, there is no way I would be comfortable with this. A threesome (even the bad kind) is one thing. This is totally different.
Marriage is a clergy creation, and artificial and unnatural restriction which leads to misery. Just read the angry comments above. Being married myself for 12 yrs, we started out "open" but with children ended the "openness". I hope as they get older we will again open the door to more experiences. It is not simply about the sex, it is about the trust, the taboo, and the excitement of something different. Those cold and angry souls should give it a try...
