I Knocked Myself Up: Pregnancy On My Own
A single mom describes her path to motherhood.
I was ready for kids at age 28—and well aware that women's fertility starts to plummet at 35. When I saw my doctor that fateful year, she asked me if I wanted children. "Yes," I replied. "Definitely." With a stern look, she snapped, "Well, you're not getting any younger!"
Thanks for the news flash, I thought. What kind of idiot does she think I am?
I was a romantic, procrastinating idiot, to be exact. Despite my clear intellectual understanding of the issues involved, it took me until age 38 before I seriously started thinking about single motherhood, and even then, I had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming by my biological clock, which was starting to sound more like a car alarm.
How did I get to this point? Thirteen years earlier, I dragged my then–life partner, Joan, to a six-week gay and lesbian parenting seminar in San Francisco, where we lived at the time.
We learned about the legal, medical, and logistical issues around having kids outside of a heterosexual marriage, then joined a monthly brunch group. Over coffee and potluck in Berkeley or Bernal Heights, 15 or 20 of us would sit around someone's living room discussing our childbearing dreams.
Here was mine: Having grown up without a dad (he died before I turned two), I really wanted a known donor—a friend who would be in my baby's life. Joan and I would then each bear a child, performing the inseminations at home, by candlelight, and we'd all live happily ever after. Right.
Ten years and three breakups later, I was single, living in Manhattan, and no closer to motherhood. I joined another parenting group: Single Lesbians Considering Motherhood. We were all 38. This being the big city, there was neither potluck nor living room. Twelve of us sat around a grim conference table and talked about the terrors of being single mothers.
My biggest fear went something like this: Was it fair to the child to have only one parent and no dad? Month after hideous month, I spun out elaborate scenarios of my future 15-year-old's painful psychological struggle with his or her unusual birth circumstances, and I'd cry for him. Or her.
Sure, everything I'd read about alternative families said the kids do just fine—studies show most have a surprising lack of angst, or even interest, regarding their unusual roots. But try telling that to the black hole of worry that had taken up residence in my psyche.
When I wasn't keening over my potential child's imaginary angst, I worried about myself. Was it fair to me to become a single parent? Could I even do it? Would I die of loneliness? Or die young—leaving my as-yet-unborn child alone? Would I become a crazy over-involved mom with nothing else in my life? Would I ever have a romantic life again? What if I couldn't afford it? What if I didn't sleep for 10 years?
One of the 43 women I interviewed for my book put it perfectly: "When I first made the decision, I'd go to bed and worry about what I'd cook for my 5-year-old."
I worried away the better part of three years. Then, when I hit 41, with my fertility window closing fast, I finally got my act together.
Discussion
I am 37 and single and what I want most from life is a family of my own to love. I come from a large family who love and support each other. I am the youngest of ten children and my father died when I was three years of age from a cerebral hemorrhage. My mother never remarried because after 25 years of marriage, he was the love of her life and her soul mate. Unfortunately for me I have not met someone I feel I can love and have a family with. Yet what I want more than life is to have a child of my own. Is this a bad thing? I am financially in a place where I can now do this, thanks to a lovingly aunt who has left me some of her estate... somewhere deep down I think this is meant to be and it is what she wanted for me. After reading this article, I feel such a connection with the writer and the various strugges and wants in my own life. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Because I see so much of myself and right now I am really struggling with my choices.
Just because a woman has a baby...it doesn't make her a Mother. I think that the question that needs to be asked is why would a single woman want to have a baby? The most common answer is "someone to love me unconditionally" and to me...that isn't healthy. There are far more things in life to fill that void than to bring a child into the world for selfish reasons.
Sorry Lyz, while I agree with you that heterosexual parents do a good job of screwing up their kids and then point fingers at homosexual parents (please, give me a break!)...I don't think the writer is being selfless. I think it is inherently selfish to have a child to "keep you company" when you are not socially and economically positioned to take care of one. Kid's are not pets. They are people and life is hard enough without bringing one into the world already disadvantaged. I don't say this because she's a lesbian, but because she is a single parent.
But Kat...wow. Get a grip. No wonder you raised such an angry son, you have a lot of anger yourself. You told him your stupidity led to his birth?! If you actually believe that than its a small wonder the kid is frustrated. You look at him as an unfortunate accident and a bitter angry enigma. I think the writer is off on a better foot, at least she isn't bitter and angry and actually wanted her son.
Kat, no parent has any idea what they are in for. And really you should know that most heterosexual parents do a good enough job of making their kids feel weird and isolated this isn't just a function of gay and single parents.
The writer's son is so lucky to have a mother who wanted him and loved him so much that she would risk ignorant criticism like this to bring him into the world. We should all be so lucky to have parents like Louise.
I raised a fatherless son. I had one under the usual circumstances but the father bounced before my son was born and I haven't seen him in 23 years. You have a one-year old. I have a 23 year old. I have standing to speak on this.
Since you were insemminated instead of impregnated by a gay man your son will probably be a straight boy with the normal straight male tendencies. And before you tell me you are going to raise an enlightened male, forget it. Once nature kicks in you might as well kiss those notions goodby. If he's any sort of male, you will not be able to overcome the teststerone and billions of years of evolution in that gene pool. Trust me (I've been married three times and raised two males). Things will seem great at times like "yay, I'm pulling this off." But the boy will become angry at you and at the world and when he's about sixteen, look out. I was stupid and selfish and so are you. You have no idea how hard it is on a boy to be utterly fatherless. My son said very little until he was about 20 but he unleashed one day and it broke my heart. I had no idea. I told him that's just the way it was and he'd better do the best with what he had because he had no choice. I also told him I was sorry and if it weren't for the fact that I was too stupid to live he would never have been born. That was the last time he ever brought it up.
You will find out the hard way like the rest of us do. And before you cite to a bunch of happy horse sh*t stories about family support, love, father figures, blah, blah, let me tell you right now. No amount of loving gay aunts and uncles or old grand pa types will substitute for a father. My son told me once that even a bad father was better than none. What's even worse is that you are a middle aged lesbian - now. Boys like pretty young mothers with long hair. This will make your situation even worse. Even now my sons get angry if I cut my hair above the shoulders. You're going to have one angry young man on your hands. Best of luck. I could write a book. But I will tell you, my fatherless son (I have another with a husband) is two months away from graduating from college. He has a 140 I.Q., is georgeous, has a gorgeous girlfriend and he's heading off into the sunset. It was just getting him there that was hard. And don't pamper the boy! (by the way). Let him get tough. He has to get tough some way and you sure as hell can't do it. And don't take the poor thing on Rosie Cruises or other such crap. Your best bet is to make the boy's life as "normal" as possible under the circumstances. Don't aggravate the situation (a lesbian couple I know hypenated thier last names and saddled their poor boy with the most hideous name ever invented even further isolating the child). You might not like "normal" but trust me, the boy will. You will want your son to be masculine and strong (as much as you won't admit it). Let him be around straight, traditional males who do all the things you hate. It's your boy's nature and you should not try to fight it.
You have no godda*mn idea what you're in for. Good luck sister.