Photo: Maarten van den Heuvel via Unsplash
Balding can be beautiful too.
By Shannon Ullman — Written on Feb 07, 2018
The aging process isn't easy for anyone. But, it's particularly difficult for married couples who not only have to deal with their own aging bodies, but their partner's too. Keeping the attraction going takes work as you age, and even with a healthy diet and exercise, there's a few things you can't change. The wrinkles come, the hair goes, but it's your job to make sure the love lasts.
In the discussion of aging and attraction, women tend to be the focus. It's the females who worry about the laugh lines, sagging breasts, and flimsy thighs. However, men deal with aging problems of their own. For many, a troublesome head of thinning hair that leaves them bald and out of options.
While this wonder of the aging process is certainly bothersome to men, it can be troubling for their wives who may find their bald heads less attractive. In fact, some women find the balding of their husbands so troublesome that it's affecting their otherwise happy marriages.
In an effort to help these women, experts on sex, love, and dating, Cathi Hanauer and her husband Daniel Jones, have decided to give their take on this tricky situation. Cathi, author of Sweet Ruin, a novel about love, marriage, and adultery, and Daniel the editor of both the "Modern Love" column for The New York Times, and Modern Love, an anthology derived from the column, have been married for 15 years. Together they provide a his and hers take on reader questions. This time, they give advice about dealing with baldness and the aging process.
Here's the question they were asked, and how they both responded:
Question: My husband and I have been happily married for nine years, and I'm still very much in love with him. But lately, he's started to lose his hair and to my dismay—I've become less attracted to him. How can I change how I feel? And should I talk to him about it?
Her Take: Definitely not. It's one thing to tell your husband about something unappealing he can change ("Rat tails are sort of over, hon"), but the bald thing is for good. Plus, reverse the situation. How would you feel if he confessed it's a problem for him that your laugh lines are spreading, or that your breasts aren't as perky as they used to be? One of the most challenging things about marriage is the need to stay hot for the same person, exclusively, for many decades. (Of course, it's also what gives marriage its trademark security; therein lies the paradox.) As you age, you may both have to be more generous and creative to keep the attraction going. Every week or year won't be the same; married sex lives wax and wane. But if you love each other and he's worth it—and it sounds like he is— you'll figure out what works and do it.
His Take: I hate to break it to you, but the aging process isn't always hot. All you can reasonably expect is that your husband does the best he can with what he's got, by staying in prime physical shape and otherwise trying to look good. Then you need to deal with your diminishing attraction by whatever means necessary—couples therapy, weekends away, porn? As far as talking about it, my question is: to what end? So that he'll agree to get a hair weave? Or is this just a case of using honesty to make him feel terrible about something he can't control? Here’s an idea: go ahead and tell him his baldness is turning you off. Then say, "Now you tell me what turns you off about my aging body." If you think such a conversation will lead to marital and sexual bliss, then by all means, have it.
Dealing with a partner's balding process may be unexpectedly complicated. But, like most things in a relationship, the issue can be handled in a way that doesn't hurt either you or your partner. Aging in inevitable, but if your partner is worth it (which I'm sure they are) you'll be able to find a way to get past it.